Donor Insemination & Donor Egg/Embryo

We were presented with two donors yesterday. For me it's difficult to tell if I feel a connection to one because she's better than the other or is it because she's the right one? How did you decide and how do I know I'm choosing for the right reasons?

Yay for choosing donors!  You're on your way!

Our situation was a little different, b/c at SG we get a donor database and choose from there, rather than being presented w/ potential donors.

But I would say, w/o looking at the donor profiles, think about what is important to you. Do you want your donor to resemble you or DH physically?  Do you want your donor to have specific skills or strengths?  Is science ability, or athletic ability, or musical ability important?  Is it important how your donor feels about the process and why she's donating?

Then once you have an idea in your head what you're looking for, look at the profiles.  When I was looking, I kept a tally of pros and cons ... so as an example b/c I wanted someone who might help me have a blue-eyed baby, having blue eyes or blue-eyed relatives was a pro, as was having interest/talent in math and science.  Having a health issue or family history was a con.  Obviously some pros and cons are more important than others.  Then looking at the pros and cons, I formed a gestalt opinion on which donor I liked better.

In other words, it was part head/logical and part heart/emotional.  While I could list for you the pros of our chosen donor, it was mainly my gut feeling on her which led us to choose her.

I think if you're feeling a connection to a donor, there's probably a good reason for it, and maybe going through the logical steps will help you figure out why you like that donor.

Also remember that the donor isn't the end all and be all of who your child will be.  Your DH will also be contributing, as will you!  And every child is his/her own person.  My DD was conceived naturally, and is genetically half me ... yet she is  VERY much her own little person, with her own quirks and preferences.  And I don't worry at all about my next child not necessarily looking like me ... b/c truth be told, my DD doesn't look all that much like me!

Good luck!  Trust your gut :)  I wish you the best as you progress through this process, and look forward to hearing your updates :)

 
 
  
 
Powered by CGISpy.com

    

   




 

Carolyn,

It's tough to be presented with 2 donors!  I would put their profiles aside and make a list of what's important to you and DH - maybe rank them by high, medium, low.  Once you have that list see which donor has most of those items.  How similar are the 2?  What are the major things that are different - eye color, hair texture?  Is it important for the donor to resemble you? 

My clinic only presents one donor at a time so I didn't have to choose - and there were things about my donor that were not my first choice - like eye color - her eyes are brown and DHs eyes are brown.  My eyes are green.  I was disappointed that my baby would have a very slim chance of having any eye color other than brown.  But there were so many positive things about her profile that I was able to get past the eye color.

Good Luck - I know this is a tough decision!!!
Cathy

Thank you both for your input. We had to put together a list of our must haves for the practice and donor 1 matches all of our must haves. Donor 2 has most of them. On paper donor one is exactly what we said we wanted even has the same blood type as DH and I. Neither donor looks like me (we are able to see baby pictures but no adult pics) however both my RE and the donor coordinator feel that both these women resemble my DH and I and they have met them in person. I think I'm just scared at this point because I'm recognizing that this will be our family and in essence I'm giving up on my own eggs, even though I know if we were destined to have our own babies we probably would have had them by now. (we've been trying for 5 years)

As our pre-counselor told us, this is a grieving process for me and perhaps I'm just facing the reality of it now. I think I'm just scared. I think I was hoping for more of an a-ha moment -does that mean it's wrong?

I didn't have an a-ha moment.  I definitely second guessed myself a bit and in the early days of my PG I would look at every young woman I saw at the mall near my clinic and wondered if she was our donor.  But once I started to feel him move I forgot that the egg wasn't mine. 

BUT - the first few weeks after Jake was born were really tough.  Complete strangers would tell me how much he looked like me and that really hurt.  Even my own mother still says he looks like me!  It's so much easier now - I'm his mother - and nothing can change that.  I carried him - I nursed him - I comfort him when he cries.  He's mine and I wouldn't change a thing about him!

Go with your gut - they both sound like good candidates.  I know how hard this is - you're putting all your hopes and dreams into this and you just want to know that you are making the right choice. 

GL,
Cathy