Ezzo Parenting Debate

Hi everyone,

I haven't posted in a long time but I wanted to chime in here. My kids are now 7 1/2 and 12. I follow this message board because my inlaws ezzo and they have children who are 4 and 7 1/2 and the other family has a 7 1/2 and 10 y/o. It has been a struggle for us to watch this and to try to let the cousins play together. Family expectations are so different and theirs are so rigid that we have rarely been able to socialize as a family.

I don't know how much can be attributed to parenting styles and how much is other things. Research has shown that children raised by authoritarian parents have issues with lying, cheating, sassing...imagin what kind of stress that can put on a marriage. Also, statictics show that kids raised by strict authoritarian parents, tend to end up with higher rates of drup use, sexual activity and teen pregnancy. I pray that is not the case with my nieces and nephews, but let's imagine the stress that could put on a marriage.

My take on putting your marriage first. I can only say that my children have only been an enriching part of my marriage. We are AP and have been from the beginning in most aspects....although that is not what we called it. I love Dr. Brazelton who is not quite Dr. Sears.

My kids are secure in their parent's love for them, and I attribute that to AP. They are both great kids...motivated, smart, hard working, cooperative, empathetic, sympathetic etc. They have their challenges (one is a very anxious and over sensitive child and the other is oversensitive and so determined that he needs a lot of redirection). I don't know how much of their good and "bad" characteristics I can attribute to AP parenting. Much is biological, much is other environments they are in.

What I do know is that being secure in your parent's love can help overcome many challenges. My dd comes to me with issues/questions/concerns that I never would have taken to my own mother. She knows I will listen and give her advice that she will feel comfortable wtih.

My nieces and nephews are defiant, angry, sassy, smart, liars who are very difficult to be around. Two of them are adopted and I know nothing about their biology...which I know, from my own children, plays a significant role in "who you are". They all love their parents unconditionally and vice versa. I don't know how much you can attribute their personalities and choices in life to their parent's style and how much is biological and other environmental factors.

I know my FIL thought we were heading down the wrong path with our style of parenting but now every time he sees my children, he can't help but comment on what great kids they are. He always comes expecting to find an out of control 7 year old boy and finds a very thoughtful loving one (although determined). The other 7 year old boys in the family have many more issues and he is stunned at the difference.

The most disturbing part of my inlaws parenting style was food issues. They still insist that their children eat what they tell them to eat...to the point of holding them down and putting it through their clenched teeth when they were 18 months old. They had the high chair rules....worked out that athey could use our high chair when they visited back then because my very active 18 month old crawled out twice and chipped his two front teeth....we gave up on using the high chair for him. Made life challenging for the brief part of his life, but I think it was the right choice. When my children are in their aunts and uncles presence, the same rules apply and I have one picky eater. So, I am constantly intervening on behalf of my child.

My picky eater is eating more and more, but we respect his choices and offer him healthy choices. Again, I am not sure if it is AP or authoritarian parenting that makes us who we are....but I feel comfortable with the AP style as a mother. And so far, I am feeling it has been the right choice not only for my chidren, but for my marriage.