Loss of an Infant

My little baby (6.5 months old) Abby died yesterday.  She was very sick and went through a lot the last 4 months.  I won't go into everything - if you are interested you can read all about her on her carepages: (www.carepages.com/carepages/LuckyCharm)

We have another daughter who is 3.  We are not sure if we should take her to the funeral.  I suppose it is different for each child, but how do you know?  We just told our daughter and she seemed to take it well - as well as she could, she keeps telling us she misses Abby.  We do too.  I told her about the funeral and asked if she wanted to go.  Is that appropriate to ask?  She said she wanted to go. 

Just wondering what others experiences are.

TIA.

Jennifer mom to Lorelei (6/6/06) and Abigail (12/14/08 DS)

 

 

I believe you made the right choice in asking your daughter.  She is very young, but she is old enough to understand the loss (she has told you she misses her sister) and she is old enough to express her desire to attend the funeral.  I would probably sit down with her and explain to her specifically what a funeral is and what to expect when she goes.  I believe you have already begun the healing process for your 3-year-old by fostering a climate of honesty and not talking down to her.  Children are much more sensitive and capable of complex feelings than we give them credit for.

That being said, I am so sorry your sweet little girl was so sick and that now she is gone.  There are no words that can express the depth of sorrow that we feel when our babies are taken from us.  My daughter was stillborn in September and I am just now beginning to live a somewhat normal life again.  If you visit here often, I believe you will find a wonderful community of support.

Joan

I'm so sorry for your loss of your sweet Abigail.   What a beautiful baby girl.

Our oldest daughter Kelsea was almost three when our newborn daughter Sydney died.  We had known that Sydney was very sick for 10 weeks before she was born but we weren't sure how long she would live.  She lived for 5 days.  I don't recall that we asked Kelsea if she wanted to go.  We might have.  However, we did make sure that we had someone on standby at the funeral who Kelsea loved and trusted that could take her out if needed.  That took a lot of stress off of me because I knew that if it got to be too much, Kelsea could leave.  As it turned out, she stayed thru the whole funeral.  Is there someone who might be able to do the same for you?

My deepest sympathies to you and your family.

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I'm sorry I don't have an answer to your funeral question because I don't have any other children just yet, but I wanted to express how sorry I am for your loss.  This is all so fresh for you and to be able to be so honest with your other daughter I think is a good thing (like the pp said).

Sorry again, and feel free to stop by when you need some extra support.  We are here for you.

Hi Jennifer,
First of all, let me say how sorry I am that you have lost Abby. I am sending prayers your way.

My daughter was 7 months when she passed away and her older sister was 3 years old, just like yours. We decided not to take her to the visitation (which was open casket), because we were not sure we wanted her to see the body. But we very much wanted her to be a part of the funeral services. She even had a part in the graveside ceremony. I had the florist make up a little nosegay for her to lay on Emma's casket at the end of the service. I don't know if she remembers any of the funeral now, but she is there in the pictures, and that is important to me.

I hope that helps you make your decision. I remember asking our pastor about it and he pretty much said, whatever you decide will be fine. He felt like that was our decision and there were no right or wrong answers. I think if she wants to go, then it would be good to let her. It will possibly help her process some of it.

Just a side note. Be prepared for her to ask you questions a long time later. Kids process grief differently at different ages, and apparently they will go through different stages of it as they get older. So we had to re-explain things and answer more questions as Elise got older.

Miriam

My business: www.thebabyhabit.com