Loss of an Infant

Good Morning Ladies!  My name is Amber and I am a member of ivillage but have been on Medium Size Families.  I have been having a rough time lately as on the 25th of this month my Angel Jessica would be turning 5 and the CL on that board told me about this one. 

A little bit about myself.  I am happily married.  I have been with my DH for 6 years.  I have 3 beautiful daughters, Deanna who is 7 and in the 2nd grade.  Tayla who is 6 months old. and Jessica who is my Angel up in Heaven.  I am a stay at home mom.  I love working on different types of crafts.  I just recently learned how to make korker hair bows!  I really love cross stitching but right that is difficult with a 6 month old that is so active.  lol.

My story:

On Mother's Day in 2006 I woke up and found my daughter had passed away through out the night.  She was 19 months old.  What had happened was we were working with her on sleeping on her big girl bed.  She had done so well on it for her naps for several weeks that we decided to try it for the first time at night.  Well we had a huge storm that night.  DH keep going in and checking on her and she was fine, well when I woke up that morning I got myself ready for church (we are very active in church) then went to get her ready.  Well I couldn't find her, so I thought she was playing hide and seek, she loved that game.  Well then I freaked out cause I just could not find her.  I finally found her inbetween the wall and the bed.  Evidentally when we set her bed up it didn't get completely pushed up against the wall and she fell down it and the bed rail pressed up against her throat to where she could not breathe.  My DH at the time was a first responder at that time and tried to get her to breathe again as did the fire rescue that came but she was too far gone.

To this day I blame myself for letting her sleep on her bed instead of the crib, its just so hard not to. 

I can't really talk about her or the situation anymore cause I am usually told its been over 3 years now its time to move on or harsher words are used and I am told to get over it.

I hope I am able to join this board, cause from what I have looked at you all seem like a really good support group! 

Hi Amber,

Of course you can join our board! Sadly you are welcome here. I cried reading your story, as it hits very close to home for me. My son Jonah also passed away due to a suffocation accident while he was sleeping. He was 4.5 months old. I blame myself everyday for what happened. It's been hard this last year and a half, but I know I will see him again someday soon.

This really is a great board. All the ladies are just wonderful, and such an awesome support. Sometimes it can be a little slow, but we always find ourselves back here eventually ;) I look forward to seeing you around.

 

 

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Welcome to the board, Amber. I'm so sorry you found your way here, though, and that you lost your precious Jessica. I'm just so sorry. =(

I've been a part of this board for a little over 4 years now and like Julie said, we all have a way of finding our way back here. No one else in the "real" world understands the pain that we moms in mourning feel. It doesn't magically just go away one day and everything's better again. You lost a huge part of your life, so whether you grieve for 6 years or 60, do what feels right for you and don't let anyone rush you past those feelings.

(((HUGS)))

WHAT?!?! People tell you that you should move on? That it's been over three years and so you should 'get over it'?? How insensitive, naive and plain hurtful is that? I am SO sorry you have people in your life that would say that to you! I don't see how the pain of losing a child is EVER something a person can get over or move on from. Sure, it might get a little more bearable day to day, but the pain is always going to be there. But I suppose you have to be one of the unfortunate ones to go through it to truly understand that.

You are definitely welcome on this board. Welcome with open arms and many many shoulders to lean on. Although our stories are all different, we are all the same deep down. We all grieve daily on what should have been and what was taken too early. We all know too well the guilt that every parent who loses a child puts on themselves. We can all tell each other that we shouldn't do it, that there is no way it was our fault, accidents happen and all that. But we all know that no words will take away that guilt and that regret, we will continue to feel it because it's just impossible not to. But we can also remind each other to remember the love and the good times that we gave our children. I can definitely feel the love you had (have) for Jessica in your post. If you feel up to sharing photos of her I'm sure I can speak on behalf of the rest of the ladies on this board when I say we'd love to see them.

Many hugs, and I'll be thinking of you and Jessica as her fifth birthday comes around.

View Benjamin's story http://mourningoutloud.blogspot.com/

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