Loss of an Infant

I know I have only posted here a couple of times but I am really struggling right now.  It has been almost 7 months since we lost our baby girl and I think it's harder for me right now than it ever has been.  I love my 4 boys with all of my heart but when we found out (after we had waited 7 years to try again) that we were having a baby girl our hearts just soared.  In the 7 years we waited I had made peace with the fact that I would never have a daughter.  I would never have that special relationship that only mothers and daughters have and while I was still a tiny bit sad about it I was okay.  Then we decided that we wanted to add to our family and it would be okay either way...and it really would have.  But when we had our ultrasound and there was no extra boy equipment we both cried tears of joy that we were getting a baby girl with all the pink and ruffles and giggles and pony tails and all the fun that comes along with it.  To be given that joy and then to have it taken away 2 short weeks after finding out she was a girl just seems so unfair! I am still having health problems from the seizure and the medication they had me on for migraines caused me to gain 23 pounds in 3 months so we are trying to switch but my migraines are coming back---every day.  It just doesn't seem fair that after everything else I still have to deal with this.  I see cute baby girls everywhere and my arms ache to be holding my Bella and I know that my arms will continue to be empty because the circumstances of her birth left me unable to have more babies and we are unable to afford adoption. I was at my sons soccer game a couple of weeks ago and there was a darling two year old little girl there and her mom was pushing her to the ground and saying "oh, you're dead" and I felt like screaming at her to never, ever play that horrible game with her child!!   I am just having a big ole pity party tonight and just feeling like it's soooo unfair!!!  I am crying every day, I can't drive anywhere in my car alone without crying.  I can't help remembering how excited my boys were to have a baby sister and that we would have loved her so much and that there are so many babies born to such horrible circumstances...my boys talked about how we wouldn't have to baby proof the house because they would never put her down. :)  I am also agonizing because I can't remember the two weeks after her birth...I can only remember a few things after I woke up the morning I seized.  I try to walk myself through it but there is nothing there.  I think I remember holding her tiny hand on my finger and thinking how perfectly formed she was and that she had all of her fingernails. 

I'm sorry, I'm just rambling on, it's just been a long couple of weeks and my husband is working super over time and I am just having a really hard time right now.  Thanks for listening.

Sandra

Sandra- I don't get on this board much anymore so I don't think I've seen your other posts. I'm very sorry for what you are feeling. I know that when my daughter passed away it seemed to get harder every month for at least the first year, so I think what you're feeling is pretty normal, unfortunately. I think the 2nd six months are harder then the first 6 months. Same with birthdays, I thought her second birthday was much harder to deal with then her first birthday. My daughter was born at 24 weeks after my water had broke at 15 weeks. She spent 9 weeks in utero without any amniotic fluid and was still absolutely perfect when she was born. So tiny, 1lb 9oz.

I know that I probably didn't make it any easier for you but just know that you're not alone and we are always here for support. Hugs

Sandra -

I'm sorry that you're going through a tough time. I can completely relate to the feeling that you describe. Our Daughter was sick from the time of her birth throughout her entire life and she was a medical mystery. No one could figure it out or why she was the way that she was. There were often times when she'd have test results come back that were "mutually exclusive results" or results that were "incompatable with life" ...

I distinctly remember feeling "WHY ME!" Why did this have to happen to us? Why does this have to be our FIRST child? Couldn't this have been our third and so we at least knew that we could have children? And good God, could you just please tell me what's wrong with this child so that I could work to "fix" it or deal with it or know how to move forward? It's sooooooo unfair to leave me in this situation where I am totally incapable of knowing how to move forward or move back. And why did she have to die? Do I deserve MORE pain then I've already suffered? This doesn't happen to ANYONE I know... why should it happen to me??

All this basically to say that I can relate. I do think this is part of the grieving process -- for me, after this stage I got really angry and also felt really guilty. But I've now arrived in a place (almost 3 years out...) where I don't feel that anger/sadness/questioning all day every day... For me... finding a place to vent those feeling and being heard was a really important part of my journey. And I used this board for some of  that too.

Hang in there...  we're all here for you!

  

 

  

Thank you all so much for responding.  I have been in a dark place for a few days and it's so hard when people in my every day life seem to think that I should have moved on and that life should be normal for me by now.  It's so good to be able to come to a place where people understand and can tell me that this is somewhat normal to be feeling worse now than I was before.  Ugh, nothing personal, but this club sucks. :(    I hope nobody takes offense to that.  I didn't mean any of you, I just meant this situation!  You are all awesome and I'm so grateful for your kind words,

Sandra