Loss of an Infant

I'm really going nuts here today. Trying to keep it together and act normal, but afraid I'm going to lose it at any moment. As if things were not hard enough with all the worries I have about having a newborn, and being oh so paranoid about her, now I'm so freaked out about Isaac as well.

It all started last night. I went to bed early with the kids. We all sleep in the same room. Chaya's in a bassinet next to the bed, and Isaac's crib is on the other side of the room. Yes, he's almost 4 and yes, he's still in a crib. Because he moves so much in his sleep it's impossible to keep him in a toddler bed. We are also all in the same room because we don't use the 2 rooms upstairs anymore since Jonah died because I won't stay in our old bedroom so it's for storage now. And the other room is an office, because I won't let Isaac sleep upstairs when our room is now downstairs. Not that we really plan to stay in this house for much longer, but anyway . . .

So DH stayed up last night watching movies and fell asleep on the couch. At around 5 am he wakes up and comes into the bedroom. Out of habit, we always check on the kids if we get up in the middle of the night (another paranoia born out of Jonah's death). Well Isaac in his sleep had twisted into the most uncomfortable position of his head bent back and shoved against the side of the crib. DH went to move him into a more comfortable position and Isaac didn't move or make a sound. So he pushes on him a little to get him to twitch or something. No response. DH (who was the one to find Jonah BTW) then starts to yell "Isaac!" Nothing. His voice then turns to panic as he is practically hitting Isaac and yelling his name. I woke up and all I heard was the same tone in DH's voice as the night he found Jonah. I literally jumped out of bed from a sound sleep screaming "NO NO NO! NOT AGAIN!!" and flipped on the light. That's when Isaac FINALLY woke up. I start bawling and DH is holding him trying to tell me that it was okay, that he was fine, but I was totally losing it. I am not an over-dramatic person. I'm used to being able to control myself in most situations. But I totally and completely lost it last night. The baby started crying and I could not respond to her until DH brought her to me. I did not sleep at all after that until DH got up with Isaac and I managed to flit in and out of sleep for the rest of the morning.

I feel like this has set me back a whole year of recovery :( I feel like I'm going to break down crying any moment. I just don't know how I'm going to make it through Chaya's infancy. I look at my little boy and want to cry thinking of losing him. I am trying so hard to trust in God right now. But there is that feeling of being so afraid of lightning striking twice.

   

 

 

 

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That must have been horrible!  I teared up reading your post and Isaac is okay.  I am overly paranoid having lost Bella at 21 weeks and having her live only 45 minutes, I can't imagine how I would be if I had found my child that way.  Even now if my kids are a few minutes late home from school or something I am freaking out.  Hopefully it will get easier with time, I have no comfort to give you there, I just wanted to sympathize with you this morning and give you a ((hug)) because that must have been awful!  I can't even imagine.

Sandra

Hi Julie -

I'm mostly a lurker here, but I related so well to your post and just wanted to send you some hugs and support.

Our three children are about the same ages.  I, too, have a 4 year old son and an infant daughter (4 months old today).  We lost our second son, Elijah when he was 10 days old in 2007.  He would have been two last August. 

I'm not sure how your Jonah died, but you mentioned your husband finding him so I'm guessing it was a bit different than how we lost Elijah (born healthy, but developed respiratory problems, reason unknown).  The fears I think, are similar.

I can't tell you how often I have woken up both my children from a sound sleep screaming for my husband and in tears because they didn't awaken right away or respond to my voice.  For me the first two months were really stressful.  I never slept, because when she was asleep I just stared at her to make sure she was breathing.  My 4 year old is back to sleeping in his own room, but I check on him at least a dozen times a night.  I don't know when I'll let my daughter start sleeping in her own room, unless I start sleeping there too!

Be gentle with yourself today, especially. Although Isaac is just fine, the experience last night was terrifying for you and your whole family.  Are you home alone with your kids today? Is there someone (you trust) who can come over and give you a hand so you can just go in another room alone and have a good cry?

I'll be praying for you today that God brings you some peace and calm. 

Gina

Oh Julie, that must have been absolutely terrifying - I can't even imagine. =(

The first 3 mos. of Megan's life were filled with so much anxiety - I worried over every little thing! The first time she slept in, I woke up and jumped out of bed freaking, convinced something had happened for her to still be asleep. It's just SO hard not to have that knee-jerk reaction after what so many of us have been through. The worry is just awful.

Hang in there - and we'll be here for you!

(((HUGS)))

I read your post the other day and I'm sorry I only now get to reply to you.  I was wondering how you were doing and if things have calmed down at all.  I totally understand.  I am constantly checking on Chloe to make sure she is breathing.  You talked about lightning striking twice, I fear that every single day.  As much as I like to think of Chloe in various stages of her life, I ultimately come back to whether or not she is even going to make it past 3 months. 

I'm sorry you had to have that experience, but I am glad that he was alright.  I guess there is nothing comforting to say.  We are going to go through lots of moments like this, but I think the important thing is to not let it set you back (as hard as that is).  I hope you are feeling better since then.  Update us if you can and let us know how everything is.  Take care mama!