Loss of an Infant

Today is Jayden's 16 mon angelversary and again just like last month be bypassed going to the cemetary .. for 2 specific reason this time. Reasons being that DH and I are going there tomorrow (1) decorate for holloween/ fall, and (2) to pay off the headstone.

How do I do this without a surge of emotions? How do I do this without feeling like this is truly the last page of the chapter?

I just don't want to admit that it's already been 16 mons !! Where did the time go? Has my baby boy been an angel for that long amount of time already? Has it been that long since we had to say goodbye?

I am back to square one I feel with all these questions and all these emotions. Just when I think that maybe I am healing something happens, something is said to reopen the hurt.

Ugh! I'm not sure where I was going with this post but just felt like sharing/venting/ babbling because I know you ladies understand days like this.

Thanks for reading my "nonsense".

 

Jayden Alexander has recieved his wings. We will always love you and cherish you- you are forever ours!

.. ..

 

Well today was the day!

The morning started off a bit strange for me. I had a nose bleed for about 20 mins off and on (2nd time in the last month). Anyways...

We went up to the cemetary and asked for the remaining balance. So the lady comes out and tells us we have 87.42 left on Jayden's headstone. As I am writing the check my hand is shaky and I am so hesitant to write it because I know that this is the end of this chapter for us.
Well I write it out and hand the lady my check and she has the nerve to say "isn't is nice to have it paid off, I love it when I am able to pay things off". I wanted to turn to her and say "THIS ISN'T LIKE A CREDIT CARD, OR A CAR, OR A HOME OR SOMETHING, THIS IS NOT EASY FOR US TO DO!!"  But I didn't.. instead I looked over at my husband and just rolled my eyes.

But it's done, we paid it off.. my heart aches because as much as we were trying to put off this part it has happened.

Besides anger towards that lady and sadness in my heart I have no other emtions about it. Guess I'm sort of numb now.

And I attribute the nose bleed to the stress and probably the weather.

 

Jayden Alexander has recieved his wings. We will always love you and cherish you- you are forever ours!

.. ..

 

What a stupid lady.  I would have probably done what you did and just rolled my eyes and let it go, but honestly, wouldn't it be nice to not let something go for once and just go off on people? 

I hope you are doing better.

I'm sorry that you had that experience with that lady and that you're going through a tough time... I hope now that the day is over that you are feeling a little bit more "normal"

(HUGS)