Infertility Support

Hi all, I was thinking today after an "incident" between my DH and I we are on two different planets sometimes. And that we cope with things in totally different ways. I found the pointers below from a local clinic's website and connected with the 2nd point but was curious if you have discovered other ways to keep your relationships in tact?

* Communicate openly with each other.
* Realize there's no right or wrong way to feel. Getting in touch with your feelings will help you know what you need. Once needs are identified, clearly and specifically tell your partner how to help you.
* Ask your partner what she/he needs rather than assuming that you can/cannot give it.
* Recognize the psychological and emotional differences between men and women.
* See if you can teach each other some of the skills you've learned from your own life experiences as man or woman.
* Share more in the process of treatment. Share both the burdens and joys of your different perceptions/experiences of infertility. It will help to balance the intensity and bring you closer with a deeper respect for each other.

I can relate to all of these.

There points in some way or other is how DH and I have always been.

Yes I am the one that doesn't always like to talk about what is bothering me.. But with the love and guidance of my DH we will get it all out in the open.

We talk about everything. And with IF we both have to be on the same page. Yes neither one of our feelings, fears are wrong. But we have to talk about them and let the other know what is going on with each other in order to cope or deal with what is happening.

We know that for some reason neither of us is to blame it's just natures way of making life a test to see how we deal and handle it.

I'm not a big believer in God anymore, but I do believe he doesn't give us more then we can handle. It just may take us longer to figure out what to do.

But yes I agree with every point stated.

My Blog http://wendysnyderfinan.blogspot.com/

Wendy 39yrs ~~ Kevin 43yrs
Joshua 5 1/2 yrs


*Jan 09 --clomid 100mg Result=BFN *Feb 09--Clomid 100mg Result=BFN *Mar 09-- Au natural Result=BFN *Apr 09--100mg clomid Result=BFN*May 09--RE,150mg clomid, metformin 1500mg Result=BFN *June 09--150 clomid, metformin 1500mg Result= BFN *July 09--150 clomid, metformin 1500mg,HCG trigger shot Result=BFN *Aug 09--150mg clomid,metformin 1500mg,Hcg Trigger shot Result=BFN
*Sept 09--150mg clomid,metformin 1500mg,Hcg Trigger shot, cd 17 IUI Sept 6th adding 50mg progesterone suppositories starting Cd 18 Result=Sept 20th BFP Beta#1= 81.8 Beta #2=151Beta#3=446 Angel baby went to heaven 10/20/2009

Kelly, I agree that my DH and I cope with things in different ways as well and sometimes I find that so frustrating.  When something comes up that I feel one way about and DH feels about it another way or it appears to me that DH is a bit nonchalant, I get frustrated.  I emphasized appears because sometimes I think DH acts somewhat nonchalant, but he's actually not, he's just handling it a different way or feeling something a bit different than me.  I find myself having to remind myself of that before I get upset.  So, I identify with making sure to recognize the psychological and emotional differences between men and women and also with realizing there is no right or wrong way to feel.

I've found sharing more of the treatment process has really helped us.  Because DH knows the in's and out's of what's going on in the treatment and what each blood result, ultrasound, follie measurement, etc, means (even before we get it now!), I think he feels more involved and that gives us more chances to share our feelings that come along with the ups and downs in a cycle.  So, I think it does help to share the burdens and joys like the last of the points you posted said.  I know it helps me feel like we're in this together and I'm not doing this alone. 

Sometimes though DH does still have to remind me that I don't have to deal with and do everything on my own during a cycle.  I think it's just natural for me to want to get things done.  So, I'm always trying to remind myself that even though I'm the one physically going through this, I need to make sure I include DH.  Reminds me of an example, DH wanted to grab the medicine from the fridge for me in the mornings so I didn't have to get up and then wait for it to warm up before injecting.  Some mornings I would get it and not bother DH.  He would ask me later why I didn't wake him to get it for me.  I thought I was being nice by not bothering him, but found that he really wanted to do things like that for me and feel involved. 

 
Me (29), DH (30)   since March '06.
4/07 & 5/07 & 6/07: Clomid 50mg - All BFN
8/07 & 9/07: IUI #1 & #2 with Femara - Both BFN
10/07: IUI #3 with Femara - BFP!, m/c :(
3/08: IUI #4 with Femara & Follistim - BFN
4/08: IUI #5 with Follistim, converted to IVF #1,10 eggs,7 fertilized ICSI, 2 transferred - BFN
6/08: IUI #5 with Femara & Follistim - BFN
7/08 to 9/08: IVF #2,10 eggs, 5 fertilized ICSI, 3 fertilized std, 2 transferred - BFN
10/08: IUI #6 with Femara & Follistim - BFP!, loss :(
11/08: IUI #7 with Femara & Follistim - BFN 
2/09 to 3/09: IVF #3,14 eggs, 8 of 10 eggs fertilized ICSI, day 5 ET of 2 blasts - BFP!, loss :(
DH's chromosome testing abnormal, moving forward with DS
8/09 to 9/09: IVF #4, canceled due to drop in estrogen after 10 days of stims

Where we are now: IVF - Started stims 11/02!
E2 & follie check on 11/05

If you were to ask DH he would say I tell him too much about the treatments but then after the fact he will say I didn't tell him everything, ugghh.

DH tunes out anything other than the info he needs at the time. So later on he will say "you didn't tell me that" & I get frustrated because I did already told him but he just wasn't listening to that part. 

Although I do get frustrated with him I realize that is how he processes things.

For that reason we are polar opposites: He just wants the summary of whatever the topic is & I am an analytical person & I want all the info even if I don't need 90% of it. 

Our relationship has faired pretty well thru IF. The past year had put a few minor "dings" on the outside but at our core I think we are pretty solid. One of the things that helped us is being to step away from all the IF stuff, even if only for a little while, and just be able to laugh together.

Nat

I think the point that is the most valid of those listed is

*Recognize the psychological and emotional differences between men and women.

When something doesn't go well or as planned in a cycle, I am devastated, almost like the whole world is against me and DH completely does not understand this.  He would always say, "well, we're still doing it, just not WHEN you wanted to, right?"  But, I just want to rant and rave...
Men and women definitely process things differently and I know that my DH is a full on problem solver.  If he can't fix it, there is no use in getting upset over it. He has told me that he doesn't need to know EVERYTHING going on, just tell him what he has to do and when.  I used to get mad when I would be upset about things and he would just seem so disinterested in what I was feeling. I found that just saying it didn't make it sink into his brain.  That was when I started writing him notes...It lets him read it and gives him the time to process what is going on with me and the emotions I'm feeling/dealing with and THEN he is better able to talk to me about what is going on.  And I feel good b/c I was able to get it all out on paper. 

Our relationship has only recently started to suffer b/c of IF.  Mostly in the past year.  Mostly my fault.  I've pulled away from him out of frustration at not being able to DO anything.  Since we are just sitting here in limbo, I am sad, angry, upset about every announcement of PG and he seems to be not bothered at all by the fact that another year has passed and we have no idea when we will be able to try again.  It makes me mad.  I want him to be mad too but he is just accepting of it.
He doesn't always respond when I vent, but I know it's b/c he can't fix it.