discussion title:
Am I missing something?
I need some advice.. I don't know where to start really. I guess I'm just frusterated at my husband. He works like anywhere from 10-13 hour days, and then stays after work and has some drinks while talking to people that he works with. No big deal, but this is everyday. He rarely has a day off. Anyways, so like after working, he'll drink and talk for 2 1/2 -3 hrs. He does not call me to ask how I've been or anything. Then he'll come home usually at like 12:30 or 1:00 am, and act like nothing. We'll do something sometimes if I'm lucky, then we'll go to bed. He sleeps in his mornings if he does not have to work, and won't get up to spens thime with me or our daughter, and says it's cuz he's sore and tired. then he'll be off to work again. And it's the same thing everyday. I tryed to say things, and he knows that it bothers me. Like lastnight I called him and it was maybe like.. 12:00, and he had gotten done at 10:00, and I asked when he was comming home, and he said when his friend was done drinking. And I started crying and he asks why, and I said it was cuz I missed him, and wanted to spend time with him, and he asked what should he do, and I said do whatever you want, I don't want to tell you what to do. And he did not come home until close to 1:00 am. I was so mad I have not talked to him since our talk on the phone lastnight. And may I mention it's V-day, and he has not called. So lastnight I wrote him a letter explaing how I feel like he does not care about me or our daughter cuz instead of comming home, he stays and drinks with people he see's all day. And I did not get a response, cuz I put it in his coat pocket, so he probably read it sometime tonight. I don't know what to do. We never do anything anymore cuz he never has a day off. He's working alot cuz we need to cash, so I really don't get mad that he works alot, it's just that he stays and drinks for hours instead of coming home. He does not have a drinking issue, I know that he has to relax, but how about his family?!?! See, it's 12:30, and he is still not home. I feel like we are growing distant because of this. And I have a jealousy thing, and I always think he's staying after work to be with someone else. He never did this before.. it just started like maybe a month ago. I really need some help on what to do. It's killing me; it really is. I really feel like he does not love me anymore. We never even talk anymore cuz when he gets home I'm so pissed, and I do'nt even want anything to do with him, and I know that this doed not help any, but I'm just so mad that I don't care. If it was me doing this, and it was him staying home with our daughter he'd be pissed, so why does he think it's ok?!?!? Just just he's the "bread winner"? That's BS it that's how he see's it, what about his family? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE give me some advice on what to do. Do you think he may be cheating? That's what I'm starting to think. Why else would he not care about coming home?
discussion title:
Am I missing something?
message #:
3077.2 in response to 3077.1
Something is definitely up. Whether he is cheating or just out with friends, I don't know, but the fact that this just started a month ago means to me that SOMETHING has changed. It might just be a product of stress from working so much. You guys need to talk about it, whatever it is. MAKE him talk to you. Wait up for him and when he gets home, tell him it is time to talk. Try to be calm and not mad because you don't want him to get defensive and clam up. Use positive language - tell him that you are concerned, the he is important to you, and that kind of thing. Try to use phrases like "I feel" and "I think" because that is less confrontational. Before you can get anywhere, you have to get the conversation going to that you can figure out what is really going on. He is working hard so that you can stay home, right? If this problem is indeed a result of stress, is there anyway you could work even part time so that he can work fewer hours?
discussion title:
Am I missing something?
message #:
3077.3 in response to 3077.2
Well, the day after V- DAY (Tuesday) we went to my doctor appt. and things went well between us. We were talking and he even called into work to give his shift away. Maybe it was me getting all worked up over nothing cuz he's been working so darn much. We went shopping and he bought me things for a late V-day gift, and ordered pizza and watched a movie. So I don't know maybe after him working so many hours he just needs some time with the boys and drink for a bit. But it made me feel more cared for when he called in, I thought it was really sweet. But thanks for your reply, I think I just freaked out.
discussion title:
Am I missing something?
message #:
3077.4 in response to 3077.3
I'm glad things are better. Like I said, it could be from stress. As long as you guys keep each other in the loop about how you are feeling and what you need, then you should be fine.
discussion title:
Am I missing something?
message #:
3077.5 in response to 3077.1
Hi there...First, I should tell you that someone that frequents this board has "reprimanded" me in the past for my candor, so as a disclaimer - as I usually say: This is not intended to be mean-spirited or "rude", but rather an honest opinion based on your post... The first question I would ask is why is it you don't think he has an issue with alcohol? Just a little FYI...you don't need to drink b/4 noon or even every day for that matter to have the disease of alcoholism. If you think it may be a problem consider checking out the "Dealing with an Alcoholic" board here...its a great resource, even if you only want to ask questions! As regards your jealousy issue...I guess that is really your own to deal with. Building up ones own self-esteem usually takes time and often requires professional help to understand why its in the gutter to begin with. Lastly, in my experience, a marriage is doomed if you are not able to learn to communicate with one another. I would say communication - honest communication, is the foremost difficult thing to acquire in a marriage, at least in most I'm aware of, including my own. More so when only one person is putting forth all the effort. I have found that when I have difficult issues to speak with my DH about, I need to really think about it first and determine what is motivating me (i.e. am I really pissed off about something and want an answer or am I trying to make him feel bad or otherwise manipulate). This way I avoid entering a conversation with hostility and/or ill-motives(real or perceived). I try to stick to the facts. I realize its a while since you posted this, I hope your doing better now... Just some thoughts...
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