Marriage

My dh and I have two kids together, 5, and 2 years old.
My dh loves our kids, but sometimes I just want to smack him over some of the things he says about them. My dd is 5 and slightly overweight, she is beautiful though, we are working on the weight, but to me she is sooo beautiful. My dh constantly spells out things like "look at her belly" he will spell that out trying to tell me to look how big my dds belly is, well dd will grab her belly. She KNOWS what he is spelling out and this kills me. When I tell him to not dare spell things out like that, that he is going to make her think there is something wrong with her body. He gets all defensive and smart mouths me about it.

Our 2 year old son has sensory integration disorder, is severly speech delayed, and attends speech therapy and occupational therapy. He is a very smart boy, but has a harder time taking things in than other kids. My dh will say sometimes "I dont know what is wrong with K, he just, he has just got some serious problems wrong with him"
"his problems must have come from you where you are dyslexic and things"

First off no one has ever said I suffered from dyslexia, I guess dh just diagnosed me himself for some reason.

Now to the problem- Dhs best friend just flew in from OK with his new 8 month old son. Dh visited them all day yesterday and came home to tell me how so very smart and beautiful this baby is saying "he is the most beautiful baby in the world" All through the day he kept telling me "that baby is going to be the next Einstein" "no wonder though, his parents are so smart" "that baby is beautiful, beautiful beautiful baby" "so so smart, you should see him, he is the most beautiful baby Ive ever saw" "our kids will probably never be that smart, you know with all their problems and all"

My dd has NO problems whatsoever. She was tested at a second grade level so I dont know where he is getting that BOTH of them have problems.

I asked dh so what is this baby doing that makes you think he is so advanced? Dh says "well he ate the whole jar of baby food!" Umm..thats it? I guess it just makes me mad that he has nothing bad to say about this kid and that it is the most beautiful baby EVER. What about HIS kids? He must not think his kids are beautiful or smart because he never says it, only says the bad things about them. This IRKS me to know end. What I would like to say to him is this : Why dont you fly back with your friend and his kid and be the second doting dad to the kid. Dh woke up early this morning to tell me "how very beautiful this baby is and he is the most beautiful baby in the world" blah blah blah, I dont really care how beautiful he is!!

Yesterday my dd felt bad and was acting sick. Dh said that we should not take her around this baby because he may catch it and I agreed it would be horrible to cause this baby to get sick just because dd wanted to see it as she was sick. So, we didnt go, BUT this morning the babys dad calls to tell dh that his son has a fever and is acting sick and he was worried the weather change from where they live may have made the baby sick. Dh turns to me and says "lets take K down there to see the baby" K is my son who is NOT sick at all. Why would I want to take my not sick son to see a baby with a fever when yesterday this baby wasnt sick, but yet my dd could not go around the baby, but who cares if my ds goes around this king baby who is sick. Who cares if my son gets what the baby has??

I am petty I know. But, would this upset you at all?

How is it that you are being petty? What your husband is doing is completely unacceptable. His negative attitude toward your children is extremely damaging and is going to lead to big problems as they get older. (Eating disorders, anger issues, etc.) And his attitude that other people's children are more what he had in mind is also disgraceful. Has it ever occured to him that his children might have wanted a loving and accepting father and they didn't get what they wanted either.

I think you might be having some identity issues yourself because not only are you not telling him that this behavior is unacceptable and it has to stop now, you are actually labeling yourself as the problem. And in a sense you are because you seem to think that having a husband and father around who pays attention should be sufficient for everyone's needs and that his negative behavior is just something that can't be helped. It can be helped, and you need to make sure that you stand up to him. Then if he makes no effort to change it, I suggest counseling. This is a bigger problem than you are making it out to be.

Good Luck,
Tobermory

kids are not stupid. they understand their parents' feelings, emotions, frustrations and all in all feelings. i can remember being only FOUR years old and getting a complex bc my mom always seemed stressed out. I blamed myself for it. I can remember far back as 4-6 yrs old wondering what did i do wrong? whats wrong with me? why am i not good enough bc i could SENSE displeasure from my mother and siblings.

your husband is spelling things out, but your DD can read into his tone of voice. she is not stupid! its like when someone begins speaking in another foriegn language in front of you then laughing. we get it.

ive witnessed my dear little second-cousin dwindle away emotionally and spiritually bc of her father's remarks and frustrations... and she is only 9 years old. he constantly complements and encourages the youngest and other children at their church, but i doubt she could ever remember the last time he told HER she was beautiful, talented, smart etc. she doesnt believe in herself, she never wants to TRY anything bc she already believes she will fail. when you ask her "why do you want to be a model? why not a teacher or lawyer?" she says "bc i want poeple to think im pretty". NINE years old. she also used to be a Straight A student and now only gets C's.

you and your husband should go to counseling. he needs to confront whatever insecurities and issues he has with his children and/or his past. the more he belittles and makes fun of them, the worse their "conditions" will get, and the worse their conditions (emotionally and mentally) get, the more he will be disappointed and belittle. vicious cycle. and it must be stopped NOW.

hopefully you spend more time with them than he does and you can reinforce encouragement and good words... good luck.