Hi--I should introduce myself first. I'm Aimee, been married to my wonderful DH for 7 years. We both came to the marriage with a child (he has DS, I have DD). We always wanted to have 1 (or more) together, and last May we had DH's 13 year old vasectomy reveresed (he got it when he was 23). After 4 months, we conceived our sweet Andrew. The pregnancy was perfect, everything was great, and then (I'm sure you can see this coming as I'm posting it here) he died. I went to my 38 week appointment alone (everything had been so great, my biggest concern was getting in and out quickly enough to get to work on time) and there was no heartbeat. He was born the next day (May 23, 2009) with his cord wrapped tightly around his neck 3 times. We miss him terribly, and love him every minute.
So, my question--everything I read is about younger children. Our living children are 13 and 14. Stuff comes up and I can't always deal with it well. DD and I are very close, and when she wanted to ask questions, talk about Andrew, how unfair it all is (she really perseverates on this one as one of her friends' mom is pregnant with her 6th and it's her second "affair baby"--long story) I just fell apart. I can't always stop crying once I start, she's been so sweet and thoughtful, but I don't think I'm being the world's greatest parent right now. Just this past week I started the process to get her counseling, and contacted a place called Solace House (it's for children of all ages who are dealing with grief). Yesterday on our way home from the art museum she asked "Mom, do my teachers this year know about Andrew?" and I said "I don't think so, do you want me to email them?" and she wasn't sure (although I think I will just to be on the safe side). Both kids are in the 8th grade, and sometimes I can't tell if their [mis]behavior is because they're teenagers or because of the grief.
Any ideas? Advice? Thanks ladies, you are all wonderful!
I'm sorry you have to be here but glad you found this board.
I think it is wonderful that you are seeking counseling for your DD. So many parents forget that there other children grieve the loss just as much as they do.
As far as behavior goes ... it is probably a mix of grief and being a teenager. Not only is their entire world changing and getting shaken up but now they have the knowledge that babies don't ALWAYS live. They have a bit more understanding and probably don't have the feeling of being "invincible" that other teenagers do. Your kids know something bad can and does happen.
There are so many feelings associated with grief. My little sister was 6 (I think) when my little Annie died. She still says "It's not fair sissy, Annie had to die" and for Annies birthday this year we went to the cemetery and her questions always make me cry as she asks "Can Annie see us" and "Will Annie know who we are when we get to heaven" ... of course she also added in "Is grandma with Annie" ... luckily I didn't have to answer any of those as my mom was there.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you are doing a great job being a parent, seeking counseling to help your DD is a great thing and she is lucky to have a mom that cares so much about her. We are always here for you to talk to if you need us.
Hi Aimee. I'm so sorry for your loss. How are things going with your dd? I'm sure with teenagers, it has to be a combination of all things. I remember grasping at every straw to find fault as a teenager.
Aimee, I am sorry you are going thru this, but glad you found this board. I would agree it is probably a mix of both being teenagers & dealing with grief. Our daughter was stillborn 5 years ago, & at the time our boys were 3 & 6. They are now 8 & 11. They still feel sad once in awhile, they still talk about her a lot, they make sure that our daughter, who is now 4 knows about her angel sister. For me, honestly I had no idea how to deal with my grief, much less deal with theirs... I felt like I hurt so bad & was so confussed... they had no idea how to deal with it. If it was that hard for me, it had to be pretty tough for them also, I was the adult, I was suppose to have the answers. There were many times where I simply admitted I had no idea! We struggled thru it, taking it one step at a time. I think they are well adjusted now, we can talk, I still don't know how to deal with it always, & THAT IS OK! You are grieving, but yet, we don't always know how to grieve. I found that most people expect you to just get over it, move on. It is ok to hurt, it is ok to be sad, it is ok to feel the loss. It is great you are seeking counseling for your daughter. Right now it could be good for her to have someone else to help her grieve. While you are figuring it out for you. You don't have to be super-mom! The thing that makes you a great parent is you are providing your daughter with counseling when you can't counsel her right now. You care & are seeking to do the best. In reality, none of us are World's greatest parents at most moments in our lives, we mess up, we struggle... but if you just keep trying, that makes you a great parent. Don't be afraid to say "I really don't know" or "I don't have answers to all your questions". Hang in there! Hugs, Laura
Thanks for your reply--sorry it took me so long to get back to you (work is super crazy right now and I'm barely able to keep up). Your sister's questions are my own (esp "Will Andrew know us when we get to heaven?")
My DD is doing OK, it seems like she's very cautious around DH and myself. I probably would be too, if I were her--b/c one never knows when I will burst into tears. It's almost like she's stifled. She doesn't ask for much and she tries so hard to be "perfect." Which is more worrisome. I'm hoping counseling helps her get a lot off her shoulders. We'll see. . . and I'll KUP.
