Hi there. We lost our son, Sam, almost 2 weeks ago. He was stillborn at 18 weeks, 2 days. I was hospitalized to deliver, induced, laboured...etc.
I'm doing remarkably well, I think. I'm not a total basketcase all day like I was the first week. I've returned to working part-time, from home, until I feel ready for full-time work again. I'm very thankful for that, that i have a job that allows me to do that.
The problem over the past few days is my 9 year old daughter. She has caught me crying a couple of times (like, just a few tears, not hysterics or anything) ...she saw my reading my new copy of "Empty Cradle, Broken Hearts" today when she got home from school. And she's being very vocal about wanting me to just "get over it".
The things that are coming out of her mouth...it's really not like her. Well, it is like her, in the pragmatic sense...she's a very serious child at times...but for her to say things like "Mom, Sam is buried already...stop crying about him now." "Mom, just stop thinking about it." and "Mom, you need to just forget about Sam.".....I'm telling you, I'm ready to explode on her!!!
I've tried explaining to her that I have to grieve. I have to cry in order to one day feel better. I am very sad, because Sam was my CHILD....just like she is my child, and I would be sad if she died (okay I felt bad after that one, hopefully she doesn't get a complex thinking she's going to die too...but I don't think so, she's very intelligent for her age, she doesn't jump to that sort of conclusion). And her response is just "Oh well...you need to get over it."
Now we DID let her see pictures. We did not let her see Sam...he was too small, and we thought that might scar her. She DID participate in his commitment ceremony...she DID see pictures of him in his casket. She DID cry when she found out he had died, and when she came to visit me in the hospital, and when we buried Sam. But she's pretty much over it. She says she doesn't like to think of Sam because it makes her sad, so she wants us to just get on with our lives without him.
Anyone else ever deal with a kid like this? My DH has been *amazing* through this...this ordeal has brought us so much closer as a couple. But my DD....she just wants to sweep it under the rug and carry on. What do I do? I want to be a good mom to her too, but when she's telling me off about grieving my second child....it's like this nightmare sibling rivalry scenario or something....
When I lost my boys, they were my first, but now, knowing that there is a pretty good chance that it could happen again someday this is something that I've been thinking about a lot. I might not be much help, but maybe it will do something for you.
I really think that I would just keep doing what you are doing. Make Sam as real as you can to her. It's probably hard for her to grasp that he was a living, breathing baby that was just to little to survive. Tell her that Sam is your son and he is her brother and that he is a part of her life just like yours. Find out what she thinks about Heaven (or whatever) and talk to her as much as you can. I've heard stories of kids who say or do weird things after an experience like this. I know adults who's lives are profoundly changed by a sibling that was stillborn or by their mother's miscarriages. So I think that what she is expressing is normal. She wants her mother back the way she was. She wants her life to be normal again with happy parents and a baby on the way. That's understandable. I know one person, in particular, who's child asked every pregnant person they saw if their baby was going to die too. Another person's daughter tells everyone in detail about what it was like when her sister died...people who are strangers even. So just like adults, children deal with it differently.
I'm sorry again...I'm not much help. Keep the lines of communication open. You'll get through this, I promise. The days and the nights get a little easier each and every day.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I can only try to give you a little perspective from Aliya's viewpoint. I have two boys and they are so VERY different. My older ds, 10yo sounds a lot like Aliya. It's all about them. When you are grieving, you're not paying attention to her. My 7yo is much more compassionate and understanding.
I would continue to talk to her. Keep telling her that you miss Sam and to please stop asking you to move on before you are ready.
Melanie, I am so sorry for your loss. I don't really know how to help. But can share a little bit of how it was here. My oldest was 6 & younger was 3 when our daughter was born into heaven. They both grieved very differently. In fact, our younger son grieved worse after our 2nd daughter was born, because he understood then, what we had lost. They both still grieve her loss, but in their own way. One loves to sit in her rocker when he is struggling with anything... that is where he finds peace. The other likes to go visit her grave & he finds peace there. They both are very adament that their little sister know about her angel sister & have told her about our angel since she was born. They talk to her about being our rainbow after the storm... she was our blessing that ~Payton Jo~ helped Jesus pick and sent her to our family. So, I guess for me I would continue to grieve Sam, he is your child just as she is. Make him as real as you can for her. Let her know that it is okay for you to continue grieving as long as you need to. That it will be a life time thing, when you think you are doing better, it will hit out of the blue! Little things will set it off at odd times, & that is okay! Just as it is okay for her to grieve in her way. If she would rather not talk about him, that is her choice, she can walk away if it is bothering her. But she may not tell you how to grieve, that isn't okay. Just as your world came crashing down, so did hers in a different way. She went from having mommy to herself, to now having to share her with some unknown... and it makes mommy sad, so she wants to get rid of it as soon as possible to get "happy" mommy back. Unfortunatly life will never be the same. But you both will learn to live with a "new normal" that includes grief. Find a time when you are both calm, sit and talk with her, explain that grief is natural, you can't just turn it on & off. Then set some safe boundaries for both of you. Just as it is okay for her to walk away if she doesn't want to see your grief, it is okay for you to walk away if she is being rude about your grief. Keep explaining you need to grieve to heal. Also, keep re-assuring her that you love her, that even though you are sad, & can't always find your smile, you still love her. You will be there for her if she needs to talk. Maybe she doesn't want to talk because she doesn't want to be the one to make you cry, explain that tears aren't all bad. That they are healing & it is okay for her to talk to you even if it makes you cry. As hard as it is, try to keep the same boundaries you have always had with her... continue to discipline. She could be just trying to see if the foudation of her life has totally crumbled or if even thru the hard times it will still be there to hold her up.
I hope some of this helps. My thoughts & prayers are with your family right now! Keep reaching out to your husband, & let this strengthen the two of you. If your daughter sees the two of you still loving each other & growing closer, that will help her with feeling secure also. Hugs, Laura
I have a five year old daughter and she has reacted very much like your daughter. She was ready to move on before we even had the memorial service. Sometimes when things in her life get tough (in other words, she doesn't get her own way), I can hear her talking to her brother in her room. When people ask about him she tells them that he's in her heart. Other times when I try to talk about him to her she asks me to stop because it hurts too much. Yes, your daughter wants her Mom back the way she was but that's not realistic. I think at the age of nine, she's old enough for you to sit down with her and speak frankly about your feelings. That's what I did with my daughter and I find that she is much more compassionate towards what I'm going through.
