Hi Joan,
I have to say, I'm already doing that. My daughter is 9, was diagnosed with scoliosis in June. The prognosis is "we'll see what puberty does to her"...knowing she may be faced with painful surgery and having to wear an extremely confining back brace 24/7. Initially, when I was still pregnant, I thought "My poor child...well, we'll see...hope for the best". Now I can't imagine anything but the worst, including her dying in surgery, being paralyzed, living in pain forever. I'm trying to be positive, but the loss of my baby has me *very* pessimistic these days about everything related to my living child's health.
As another very concrete example...she's a very athletic child, and she short-track speed skates, this year she will be going to provincial championships (state-level, one rank below national). Last week at practice, she tripped and fell, and caught the back of her blade in the inner part of her upper thigh, right where a major artery is located. My heart stopped. I swear, my heart stopped...waiting for the pool of blood to form on the ice, waiting for them to tell me my daughter bled out. Of course, it didn't happen. She got up, skated over to me and said "Wow, that was weird, I almost cut my leg" and kept going. And the pressure in my chest stayed with me for the rest of practice.
Tonight she went to practice with her stepdad, I went for a massage...and the whole time, I thought to myself "She's going to die when I'm not at practice...I need to buy the Kevlar undersuit...she's going to forget her neck guard, I didn't remind Steve to tell her to make sure she has her neck guard... she's going to get cut and she's going to die." And yet again...she made it home alive. I called home as soon as my massage was over to see how practice went.
All this to say, I think hightened concern over your living child's safety and well-being is perhaps "normal"? I hope so. I'm trying my BEST to quash my thoughts when they start. She has a 5% curve in her spine now...I have to be positive and think it won't progress much more than that. I can buy a (albeit very expensive) kevlar undersuit for her skating, so I know she's protected in the major artery areas in case of fall/cut. I'm trying to consciously make an effort to think positive with regard to Aliya.
I was never a panicky or worry-wart mom, until now. NEVER. I was the most laid back mom ever, I didn't dwell on the "what ifs", I believe kids thrive with challenges and I allow my daughter to push her physical limits. I allowed her freedom, like going to the park with a friend, or walking to the corner store alone. Now...I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to be that laid-back mom again. I know I will never be the same person I was before Sam died, but I hope I can keep it from impacting the way I'm parenting my living child too much.
I hope we can both find some peace with this reality, parenting a living child after the loss of another. This is one of the main reasons why I joined this board, because I noticed my preoccupation with DD ramping up following the loss of our baby. I wanted to know if people became naturally "obsessed" with their living children, the way I seem to be heading. I hope it's something that can be dealt with, and am looking forward to seeing how others respond to this question.
Melanie, mom to Aliya (9) and Sam
Edited 9/29/2009 11:58 pm ET by melanie9910
Edited 9/30/2009 12:01 am ET by melanie9910
