Parenting After a Stillbirth/Infant Loss

I have to go back to work on the 26th, my daughter's 6th birthday... I've been off since the day that I found out that Zachary had died in my belly... July 7th...

I knew this day would come but I didn't think that it would come with so much anger, resentment, sadness and anxiety. I'm losing sleep, my heart is beating a million miles a minute, I'm nauseous... and I still have 12 days to go.

I think part of the issue is that going back to work is a reminder that I should be home with my baby... It's heartbreaking. My employer has been very accomodating and they're even giving me my own office so that I can have some privacy, rather than having to go back to the cubicle I had before. I think about going back and I burst into tears. What if I get there on the first day and the same thing happens? What if I can't keep it together? What if my emotions get the best of me?

I want to be the strong, confident, happy person that I was when I left, but that's just not who I am anymore. I have no patience, I envision myself flipping out on someone who is just trying to relate. Everyone keeps telling me how happy they are that I'm coming back and how much I am missed but my feelings towards them and my job couldn't be more oppposite.

I feel like I have no control if I'm at work. I feel like when I lose my cool now I can just walk away from a situation but when I'm at work I have no choice but to face it head on and keep it together. I'm not sure if I'm ready to do that or even if I'll be able to...

That first day back is a hard one.  When I walked in that first day,  I intentionally got there early so that I wouldn't have to walk through the office and see anyone.  I think you're right that being back at work is a not so subtle reminder that you shouldn't be there.  You should be at home with your baby.  I will say that it helps a lot if your workplace has made everyone (meaning as many people as possible) aware of the situation, so that you don't have to explain what happened.   I work for a very large organization and I'm not sure how they did it, but I did not have to tell a single person what happened.  When I came back seven weeks later, everyone knew. 

I'm wondering, do you think it would help to send your boss an email explaining how you feel and what you would consider helpful and not helpful and ask that he/she distribute it to the rest of the office?  My boss contacted our HR department and got information regarding grief in the workplace and passed that out.  Also, maybe do you think it would help to show up unannounced sometime  before the official return just to bring cookies or say hi?  Then after ten minutes you can flee and fall apart it necessary.  Your actual return wouldn't be your first time back that way.

Other things I found helpful - I went back half time for awhile.  It made the transition easier. Also, going back to work helped me get back into a familiar routine.  As you know it's so hard to navigate life when you're not sure what normal is anymore.  Going back to work helped me with that.

Lastly, if you cry at work you cry at work.  My God, your child has died.  Would you think less of a coworker if he/she cried at work when he/she was grieving the death of loved one?  Of course not.  People really do want to help.  They just don't know what to say or do.  Once you've made it through about a week or so, it really does get better.  Others go on with their lives.

It's tough, I won't say it isn't.  But the way I look at it, we've survived the single most traumatic event ever - the death of a beloved child.  In comparison NOTHING is as difficult as that.

Wishing you peace and hoping that the transition is an easy one.

Joan

Yes, going back to work is hard. I had the same anxiety when I went back. It is a hard step to take but once you do it and get it over with you will feel better. A lot of people knew what happened but some didn't. I simply just told them I had to take some time off. Many people will offer their condolences. All I could say to them was thank you. I had to tell a couple people I didn't want to talk about it because I was trying not to cry at work. They understood. Mostly people just said they were glad to see me back. After a few days things were back to normal with everyone. Good luck! Let us know how things go.

Do you have a friend from work you could have lunch with before you go back and just ask her to tell everyone to give you some space?
-erica

I hope today goes better than you thought it would!

Hugs,

I also hope the first day back was less difficult than expected. I've found often in this journey that the expectation of certain things is worse than the experience itself. I hope that was the case for you.