I'm not sure what's going on with me. I have had in the past episodes of depression, dysthimia, and undiagnosed anxiety. Took Wellbutrin, got into therapy, things were great. Then I met my husband and relationships are the biggest stressor. I'm just not good at them and quite frankly, we were always different. I'm deep, accountable, reflective to a fault, serious, etc. He's more sponteneous, zero accountability for when we get in fights (it's me not him accusations), he's a slob, bad with money, rather have fun. I'm more of a things gotta get done, priority girl. I guess more or less codependent where things have to get done first over fun.
Anyway, I was 90% happy during my pregnancy but he also helped out more, treated me like gold, etc. Then the baby came, I was super anxious/protective of him and it felt like my eyes opened with my husband. I immediatley just didn't like him, only focus on the negatives with him and the way we live (finances are super tough, no retirement and we're 40, etc), he's lazy, and now things are back to where I feel like I"m a nobody. It went from super affection to rubbing feet DAILY to now nothing but criticism.
He says I competley changed in the last 6 months (our son's age). I say it opened my eyes to where I'm wondering if we should be together so yea, my DH BUGS ME TO DEATH. Nothing he does is right, nothing he says is right, he just annoys me to the point where I feel like I'm weighed down, have no future, our son has no future, I worry about his bad habits influencing our son, etc. I just want him to go away. I get mad that he just moans about babysitters and us being able to go out. It's like he wants our son to be 12 and mobile and easier. So I'm on my own doing a lot of things. I feel he can't read our son and what he wants, that he follows the strict guidelines I set (3 hour feed time to the dot, etc) instead of going hmmm it's 2.45 hours and he's screaming, maybe he should eat. Then he flips out saying I set him up for failure.
We have been fighting weekly sometimes daily since the first week our son came home. My husband insists there's something wrong with me and I need to be fixed. I want him to go to counceling and/or marriage therapy yet he doesnt' call saying $ is the issue.
I reentered solo therapy because it all became overwhelming, I'm miserable and see how negative and unhappy/bitter/angry I am. but it's not helping hearing "you need fixing, it's YOU, fix YOU, YOU better fix yourself" ALL THE TIME. When he's got some major issues/communication problems to deal with to and he won't admit it or fix it, it's all back to ME.
I don't know what's going on. If I have some sort of anxiety disorder, post partum issues, or if really in fact, my son opened my eyes to the truth that in reality, I have to get away from my husband as far as possible because in the end HE is the problem and I'm only reacting to his junk.
Anyone else have this? Should I call the OB? I'm soooo sick of dealing with people who blame me when they too are so messed up yet do nothing. Here I am in therapy and thinking of meds, yet not one person around me changes . How is that helping anything?
"So I'm on my own doing a lot of things. I feel he can't read our son and what he wants, that he follows the strict guidelines I set (3 hour feed time to the dot, etc) instead of going hmmm it's 2.45 hours and he's screaming, maybe he should eat. Then he flips out saying I set him up for failure."
More than anything else you typed, this jumped out at me. IF you are not allowing your husband to develop his own rhythm and bond with baby, yes, he is ABSOLUTELY being set up for failure. He cannot read your mind. If you've set strict guidelines that baby not be fed and then get upset with him for NOT feeding baby before said time, no wonder the poor man is confused and upset.
That said, you are not alone in feeling the way you do about your husband. (http://www.courant.com/features/hc-mad-moms.art0may13,0,1205031.story) I felt the same way. After all, why shouldn't I be the one in charge? I carried the little bugger for 9 long months, gave birth, and now he wants me to do what? Leave him in charge? Is he nuts? But you know what - my husband and I grew together. He learned to jump in before I asked, paid attention to the routine and understood that if baby cried, baby was hungry/sleepy/etc. BUT he only started doing this AFTER I stopped nagging him. Dads are people too - no matter how poorly we think of them - they are people too and they matter.
I think your Baby needs to spend some alone time with dad. I would suggest starting out small - go out to a coffee shop for an hour. Then maybe to the mall for two the next time out. Mothers are instinctively maternal. Dads kinda have to learn it so we have to learn to give them that chance. They aren't going to do it the same way as we do - BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT US. My husband's been caring for our kids for almost 5 years now and they're all still here, our marriage is still intact, and we're all surviving. Sure, stuff may get forgotten here or there, lost in the shuffle of life. But it's the big picture that matters, hon, not the little picture. When junior is 18, he's not going to remember screaming for 15 minutes when he was 6 months old. As long as dad is trying to learn and trying to participate, let him.
I'm even willing to bet that your husband's desire to have fun and his ability to just let go is probably one of the things that attracted you to him in the first place. I know that was the truth about my husband. He too is horrible with money, loves to have fun, and yeah, does things a lot differently than I would. But I've learned to let it go and just live life to the fullest right along with him. I know what his strengths and weaknesses are - and what mine are. I'm a lot like you - focused, responsible, very A type personality.
The next time you feel your blood boiling about something your husband has done - ask yourself: Is this worth my time and energy? What will getting upset about this get me? Will it solve the issue at hand or will it make it worse? And ask your husband what the BOTH of you can do to resolve the situation. Work with him instead of against him. The difference will be amazing.
Have you tried to sit down with him and actually have a conversation about parenting with him? A two-way conversation where you both listen to each other. No arguing - no cutting the other person off, no getting huffy, no name calling or nagging - just listening and expressing your feelings about what's been going on. Use phrases like "When you do X it makes me feel X. Let's try to work this out together so X doesn't happen again."
And what's wrong with babysitters so the two of you can go out? I think that would be healthy! This baby has joined your marriage, not the other way around. I get that you're super protective of baby, but he will BE FINE if you go out to dinner while someone babysits. It'd be healthy for the both of you.
(((hugs))) Know that all of the above was said with a compassionate and understanding heart and in response to what you chose to share with us. I admit freely that I don't know the root of your situation - only what you've carefully exposed in your post. Know that I do care about you and want you to know you are not alone. Know that I do want you to be the best mother you can be.
I am glad you have posted here to share your story and look forward to getting to know you better. Please give silence and listening a chance. I also want to give you an assignment. In the morning, write down three things you are grateful for before you even get out of bed. In the evening, write down three things that made you laugh. This will help you to refocus on the positives in life and some of the things you write may surprise you.
I also want you to get a copy of The Love Dare. (amazon carries it) It's faith based but you don't necessarily have to involve that part if you're not into the bible. It's a 40 day challenge that has changed my own marriage from one that was very very similar to the one you're describing to a completely awesome entity in which we communicate with each other and work very hard at not being negative with each other. In fact, the first dare is to not say anything negative at all about (or to) your partner for an entire day. I dare you to do that tomorrow.
Thank you. I was actually thinking of the "say something you're grateful for when you wake up and when you go to bed" on my way to Lowes. hehehe
My DH does have one day totally alone with our son. It's called "man day" because we can't afford to do a nanny 5 days a week. I get one day at home from work and my husband gets one day alone with our son except he brings him here, there, everywhere and I do see the effects it has compared to when I"m at home. I try to understand because my husband has to work (he sees clients, etc). But I also see my son get all out of shape from sleeping in the car seat,etc.
For communication, we both have significant issues .However, I have years of therapy under my belt so it starts off fine, honest, etc. but my husband is the one who believes in flying off the handle, screaming (in front of our son sometimes), and then if the word divorce is mentioned, he's threatened to take our son away from me saying I"m nuts. Nice. Makes me really want to trust my husband. I always feel like he's a con man or something .I don't belive anything he says. It's been years of him thinking it's fine to grab my butt in public or whatever and brush off my feelings ,etc. These are serious issues and they just have built up my anxiety/feelings of hate. I tolerated it for years but now with our son, it's like I just feel so mad and say "no more. get out."
I gave him phone numbers of counselors for himself or marriage and he hasn't called them. Instead I have to fix me first. It's a stalling tactict because he 100% believes there is NOTHING wrong with him. His own mother won't talk with him because she's tired of the outburst, victim talk, blamming everyone but himself for everything. It gets old. Then he turns it around and is always saying "you're just one more woman who disappointed me." Ugh SHUT UP AND GET SOME HELP.
I just don't know what to do. I've had my son for 3 days alone while he's out on a golfing excursion. And yes it's hard managing him by myself but truthfully? I'm finally at some peace to feel good about myself. Makes me wonder.
I think the bottom line is I feel like I have no partner. I have a 38 year old brat under my belt. I have no friends really to go out with because they live far, have their own lives or the big part--I don't reach to them. Combine all of it and I'm stressed. This is why I wonder do I really need meds? Or do I need a change in my life?
I just want to do what is the best and healthiest for my son. If it means therapy and meds, I'll do it. But to me it's more about my situation minus my introversion, that is the cause of this.
Nobody but you can decide if you need a change in your life.
You have to decide at what point you are done with putting up with his crap. Where would you go? What would you do? How would you support yourself? I would think that if his own mother won't talk to him that you would have a good case for custody but that's just my opinion. If you're really on the fence, call a divorce attorney for a consultation. But ultimately, this is YOUR life and now your son's as well. You need to do what's best for YOU and for him. Your son's safety and yours is of the utmost importance.
Know that I am here for you and if you ever need to talk and don't want to publicize it, feel free to email me at ppdacceptance@gmail.com, k? ((hugs)) Take care of you.
