Postpartum Depression

First i apologize for not going through and reading past posts to see what other people's situations have been. I dont have a lot of time to be on the computer these days and i just was looking for some support before i consider calling the dr (seeing as i have had to be on medicaid and my post partum coverage is almost up i'm not sure if they'd pay for anything and i'm not working)

So here is my story and let me know what you think.
Gary is my SO, we've been together 2 and a half years. he is 20 i am almost 25. he has issues all in his own from a crazy upbringing but thats another story. but to tie it into mine, he HAS cheated twice during our relationship.

We have a beautiful 13 month old, Emily. She was an oops about only 6 months into our relationship and i was in my last semester at college while Gary was back at home an hour and a half away. HE had literally just gotten out of high school and just enlisted in the army when we found out. so he has the rushing to grow up syndrome in a way.

Then last winter was the 2nd cheating while i was on vacation. we'd had a really rough time on our relationship for awhile and i'd pulled away, here comes a girl throwing herself at him and he gave in to attention is the basics. well i did not handle that situation well and wanted his attention back onto me and the first time we had DTD since 6 months into Emily's pregnancy is when we conceived our second "oops" baby. obviously this was a big shock, and its not like our relationship was the most stable. we were just starting to consider trying again for emilys sake.

so needless to say we had a fragile relationship throughout the pregnancy, i didnt get to enjoy this pregnancy as much as the last because i had emily to chase around.

right after caleb was born we just fell apart and started fighting just constantly. over stupid things. and he was having a hard time making it through my baby blues. So in order to keep them from seeing us fight he moved out of my house where i live with my parents and back in with his brother for a few weeks because he finally goes to boot camp this coming up monday and he wanted to put off major fixes between us until after he is back when we can really put effort into it if we decide we want to.

so i've been basically on my own with a 13 month old and a 1 month old and i'm SUPER paranoid that while gary's gone he's sleeping around (i dont think he actually is but i cant help having the thoughts) i get incredibly angry when i get overwhelmed and he's not here. i dont have any thoughts of hurting my children, although i do get mad and yell worse than i should sometimes with emily, especially around bedtime. Caleb is a very attention-needy baby. I hardly ever have time to even eat myself. I also dont have a working car so i am trapped in the house with them all day every day. my parents drive me nuts because since i've been home its like they have gotten used to me just cleaning up after them and they've gotten messy an inconsiderate about what they leave around. They DO offer help, but usually by that point i'm SOOO irritated that i snap at them not to even worry about it. or the help they offer is just stupid to me.
I dont work so i have no income other than what gary brings in, which hasnt been much. it goes to him and his fun stuff or fixing his truck, and the babies. so really i dont ever get to do anything. i have been looking for work but of course thats hard to do when i'm adament about not doing daycare and i dread putting the burden of two small babies on one of my usual family or friend babysitters.
to top it off emily's had a cold for 4 days and i caught it yesterday and couldnt even keep my eyes open and she wouldnt sleep and then was up so much throughout the night. so today i just feel like i can't handle any more. i was wanting to call my dr. but like i said i'm not sure if my insurance would even pay anything. plus i'm breastfeeding and dont know how meds would effect my milk.

i just cant tell if ive got a mild case of PPD due to all the stress going on in my life or if its just that, stress. this week especially i've just cried so much i dont think i can cry anymore. i'm exhausted and most of all i hate how ANGRY i am so often.

   

 

What a heavy loaded plate you have!

It's quite possible that your circumstances have indeed led to the way you're feeling. Regardless of whether or not it was caused directly by the birth of your child, you're still struggling. Call your doctor and discuss this with them and ask what insurance may or may not cover. If meds are determined to be needed, ask for a generic brand. Many are available for $4 at either a Kroger, Walmart, or Target. As for breastfeeding, there are meds that are compatible. You can also research natural approaches:

http://www.wellpostpartum.com

http://www.rebuild-from-depression.com/blog

As for your marriage, that's a tough one. I had a really hard time with my own marriage after my postpartum experience. We ended up watching Fireproof and doing the Love Dare. We still have to get through the entire book (we keep stopping and restarting) but along the way we've learned a lot about each other and we've managed to reconnect. Trust is a big big part of marriage. I think the two of you need to have a discussion about trust prior to him leaving. It's not fair for you to be left hanging while he goes off to boot camp. I'd also suggest you visit the Military Families board for additional support from moms who have been where you are now. (http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-psmilitary) You may also find the Marriage Board to be a good place for support. (http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-psmarriage)

Biggest thing you need to do though is to call your doctor and discuss things with them. You also should call your local Department of Children & Family Services. I know you don't want to put your kids in daycare to work but I think that might be a good thing for you. The DFCS here offers childcare subsidies and yours might too. It can't hurt to ask and even apply. Maybe even working just part-time would be helpful. It would get you out of the house, provide some income, and help you regain a sense of self as you work through all of this. Although now I'm remembering that transportation is an issue.

I'm hoping that typing all of this out helped get it off your chest. We're here for you. Please update us or vent whenever you can/need to, ok? ((hugs))

Warmest,
Lauren