Hi. I'm new!
I had a beautiful baby girl towards the end of June. She is really really lovely, everyone says so. I exclusively breastfeed, had a great pregnancy and birth experience, have no history of mental illness, have a very involved and supportive husband (of 8 years), we are financially secure, have good relationships with our families...and I just feel like crap all the time. I cry a lot. I can't make decisions, have become unsure of myself in social situations (have trouble making eye contact, for example), I struggle to talk to and touch my daughter. I say "my daughter" because that is what you are supposed to say, but she doesn't feel like mine, or like I am her mother. She is just this baby that has sucked my life into her little body.
One of my best friends had a stillborn little boy on September 1st and I totally lost my grip on reality. I feel overwhelmed, totally buried by guilt guilt guilt. I can't get over her tragedy, I can't stop feeling miserable about disliking motherhood when it is something she is being denied. It is so unfair that there are women out there who would be GOOD at this and are not blessed with fertility and here I am with this perfect little girl and I just want to give her back.
I went to the doctor in tears a few days after this happened to my friend, I was so afraid I was going to fall apart and take this baby with me. My doctor put me on disability and referred me to a psychiatrist. I'm in Europe so things aren't the same as in the states. My husband has taken over my maternity leave and is home full time with me while I am on disability. Finally after waiting waiting waiting I got an appointment two weeks ago with the specialist and went in armed with research - I wanted Zoloft because it sounds like the best choice for nursing mothers. The specialist said no, talk therapy first, then maybe meds later if you can't get over it.
Tomorrow I have my second appointment. I still want medication. I'm getting worse, not better. I don't understand why they would put this little girl in danger by making me wait months for help. She deserves so much better than this. She is so helpless and innocent.
But then I think, maybe they are right, maybe medication is too much. Maybe this isn't PPD? Maybe I'm just not cut out for motherhood. Is that so taboo? Is it so wrong to just admit that you made a mistake and should never have had a child? Surely we can't all be made for motherhood? What happens if I take zoloft but don't "need" it because I'm not clinically depressed, I'm just coming to terms with having made a disasterous mistake? Would it just not have any effect?
History is full of "bad" and "distant" "cold" mothers. Did they all have PPD or did they just realize too late that having children was doing no one any favors??
And if it IS PPD and my doctor continues to refuse me medication, when can I have hope of it getting better on its own? She'll be 4 months old soon. Do I have months left of this? Years?
My greatest fear is that my doctor is going to say that I am "all better" and send my husband back to work. As long as he is here I know she is getting the attention and love she deserves. I'm horrified that my problems could harm this little baby.
