Positive Parenting

I've been a lurker for a while now but have been just taking it all in.  We have an 8mo DD that we have decided to do AP/PP with, which is completely different from what we both grew up with.  I've been a stepparent for the last 6 years & have not been a PP with them, I just didn't know any different options & spanking was already being used with youngest SS.  That being said, I need to get some ideas on letting DH's parents know about our PP choice & that we are against spanking DD.  She is quick to pop little hands & tushies & this will create more issues in an already tense relationship.  She has already made several comments about me "spoiling" her because I would hold her a lot as a newborn & that we better do the CIO or we would really regret it later on.  Not to mention I know that I am going to get the "well you didn't have a problem spanking SS so what is different" statement (they are no very supportive of my stepparent role).  I understand their point, but honestly never thought about the effects of spanking & all that goes with it until I realized I could not imagine spanking my LO.  Not the best reason, but the honest reality.  I want to make sure I convey that I expect our choices to be respected/honored while DD is in their care, which is occassional.  BTW, DH won't have this conversation as he hates conflict & would rather avoid it all together so that's not an option.

Thanks & I'm SO glad I found this board!

Danielle

Hi Danielle!

Welcome out of lurkdom! Whatever it takes to get us into the PP mode is a good thing. I'm glad you found it!

I've always found the best way to approach anyone about a known differing opinion like this it to bring the problem to yourself, not the other party. Make casual comments at how well the children are behaving and that you think this new approach is working. How it's a hard road to travel but give a couple things you're doing, not spanking, praising when they do something good, etc. Hopefully, the conversation will be encouraged by the grandparents and you can work in how you'd like them to help you with it?

I'm not sure this is exactly what I was looking for but maybe this will help with an angle to approach the situation?

http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/0,,7557gf0f,00.html?ice=iv:mb:msg:ww

Hi and welcome!

I had much of the same issues with my inlaws, who were very stuck in their thought processes.

As was DH truth be told.

As for dss, do you all have primary custody? 

Is the spanking working?

I would cease, right now, all other parenting types except for PP, if that is what you are choosing for DD.

Having two sets of rules/parenting styles will be torture for the kids!  I know from experience as that is how I was raised.  My lil sister (my x stepdad's dd) had totally different expectations and consequences (or lack thereof) than we did.

Causes a LOT of resentment.

I would also suggest, and this might sound harsh, but if ya'll are NOT the primary household, you should never be spanking the stepkids anyways.  While I am sure you love them, this could cause problems for DH and the X.

My sister's DH has never discplined her eldest, his stepdaughter.  There were very fine lines drawn in the house when they got married.  Always being clothed, never giving baths, etc.

Not because something MIGHT happen but because it could be used as a weapon.  It is a horrible thing but in today's society, it is protection.

As for the inlaws, there has been a TON of independent research that has come out in the last several weeks about spankings.  How it can lower your IQ, etc.

Real research by real universities.

Is MIL able to "hear" anything like that?  My MIL believed everything written in the Star magazines, so stuff like that never worked for her.

I told her flat out we do not spank, that it contradicts my beliefs but also isn't logical.

Grownups tell the wee ones, we don't hit - hands are for hugs, etc. 100's of times and then use the same hands to hit/spank.  A 2 yr old does NOT get that.

When my son got to be the age where a spanking might happen by FIL in their home, we stopped going there.  I was honest, that Danny made him crazy.

My MIL kind of understood but was hurt, more by FIL than me.  It didn't help that MIL was terminal at that point either.

Danny spent the night there once without me and I hired my niece to stay as well.  I never trusted them with him alone for more than a doctor's appt. 

But they were elderly, bigoted, uneducated, stubborn old people.

I also don't think your DH is being fair.  These are HIS parents and not yours.  This isn't YOUR battle except to protect your DD.

I would explain to DH that unless HE lays down the law with his folks, than DD (and the stepkids now that they won't be spanked) will NOT being going to their home for unsupervised visits.

Period.

Danny hasn't been to FIL's in over 2 years.  FIL has no patience and blamed Danny for something breaking when we were not even there. 

When he confronted Danny and Danny said he didn' do it, FIL called him a liar.

Totally unacceptable in my world as Danny knows better than to lie. (He has never had a consequence for telling the truth).

FIL complains but I ignore him.  FIL comes to our house 2-3 x a week, and for hours every Saturday.  Danny and I usually do our Mommmy/me time and disappear.

In laws are hard and I think DH needs to man-up on this one!