Pregnancy and Depression/Mental Illness

Thanks for posting the 6 strategies to reduce depression in PG!

<taking a deep breath here>

I am currently pg with our 6th. half planned and half surprise.

The 2nd strategy is one I am dealing with for the most part at this time and must say, it's kicking me in the rear! I never really had a close relationship with my mother growing up. I came from a ver abusive home. Dad was physically, emotionally and mentally abusive to all of us including my mom. Mom usually just turned away as he beat me and did nothing. To this day she just says "I didn't get it as much as I deserved." It breaks my heart. To this day it's a road block to us getting a real close relationship going. We are in eachothers lives but the "connection" just isnt anywhere like I'd like. She is still comfortable with hiding behind all bad things in her life are the result of others instead of taking any responsibility for her bad choices that only in turn had bad concequences. She is comfortable seeing herself as a "victim".

Father has since passed. Mom's remarried and burried her 2nd dh..and currently on to another relationship. 

Anyhow, I am now 24 weeks pg...and with each pregnancy she has been very vocal saying how she wants a girl. As if putting more importance on a female child than male.  This has put such a burden/heartache on me.

I think to myself..what about ME? Why didnt you care enough about your own little girl? Why when you had me you so easily tossed me aside for abuse and to this day wont acknowledge it.

I am pregnant with our 2nd little girl. And this has really put me in a tailspin.  I am having a hard look at what a mother daughter relationship is..and realizing.. Im still learning and STILL having to fight demons from my past.

My husband has been a rock through this pg in particular. He knows the pain I am in and has been super supportive but I am "STUCK" in this funk that doesnt seem to be passing. Meds would help. sure but the reality is..I could use to repair and get some sort of resolve which would negate the need for meds. I hate the idea of taking meds if there is a possibility of some other way. But every attempt at trying to "go back" to that taime with my mom... she feigns not remembering or that I am flat out wrong. She is unwilling to in any way help me heal. She just goes from relationship to relationship with no thought and in the process claims to be the happiest ever..only when she is in these relationships she drops me. Just like now.

Shes shown no interest in my pregnancy or horrible symptoms Ive been dealing with with it...other than making it clear she wants a girl.

Im an older mom...and frankly the admitting how much I desperately want a relation ship with  my own mom makes me fee ashamed and pathetic that I dont have one already.

I just had to vent.  The well I am sinking into each day is getting darker and darker each day. How can I be a good mother to daughters? What right do I have to inflict myself on them when I am so lost? How can I lead them? How can I show them to have pride in being a lady when all my own mother instilled in me was shame and guilt?

the admitting how much I desperately want a relation ship with  my own mom makes me fee ashamed and pathetic that I dont have one already

I think that admitting you want a relationship with your own mom shows honesty, strength, and courage.  That is nothing to be ashamed of- I think bringing a daughter into the world forces you to think about your own mother/daughter relationship and it's only natural to wish that the relationship was better.  Acknowledging that your relationship with your mother is not ideal is a big step.  Hopefully you can use that relationship as an example of how NOT to raise your girls.  I know many women who had strained relationships with their mothers yet have beautiful relationships with their daughters because they chose to do things differently.

I hope you will continue to post here.  It sounds like your DH is a great source of support but you are welcome to lean on everyone here, too. 

Thanks Reena!

You're right. It does force us to look at the relationship we had with our mothers. Its just  being left with so many unanswered questions..even sorrow for the "connection" my own mother was/is missing out on with me, her own daughter. I feel strong to a point but then feel almost like I am betraying her by seeing/acknowledging her shortcomings as a mother by altering my childrearing ways. Odd. I know!

I just wish I was like many other women, who model their parenting after their mothers because they feel their moms did such a good job. I hate using my mom as an example of "what I plan NOT to do" with my children(girls). It just feels empty in a way.

I am thankful that my hubs is so caring. I also appreciate your kind words.

Hi there.

I wanted to send hugs and offer a couple of additional boards here at iVillage for you to visit that may help you as you grow as a mother and a daughter. My own mother had nothing to model her mothering on - she lost her mother at 9 years old to a car accident. Her parents were in the midst of a divorce. Somehow she muddled through and I turned out ok (I think). I know that you'll be ok and that your daughters will be ok.It's hard to watch those we love not love themselves. But that's when we need to love them the most and lead by example and not follow their destructive path. It's hard to break that cycle.

Here's one for raising girls: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-ppraisegirls

And here's one for Domestic Abuse (which you may find helpful in coming to grips with what happened to you as a child): http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldomesting

You may also find this one helpful (it's about dealing with difficult people): http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-cadifficult

I hope you'll continue to post here and keep us updated as you can!

Warmest,
Lauren

Thanks so much for the links Lauren!

I will definately be checking the sites out. I had no where to begin to look. Im new to the boards so still getting my bearings.

You are so right. Breaking the cycle is difficult.

I really do appreciate your taking the time to post the info for me. It means a lot to me!