Hello all! My name is Emily and I'm 22 years old and 5 1/2 weeks pregnant.
I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months, and things were going well, albeit slowly (no "I love you" and he makes it impossible for me to get really close to him).
I found out I was pregnant a week and a half ago. I was excited when I found out, even though it wasn't planned. I love my boyfriend, I have a good job, and all I've ever wanted in my life is a family.
I expected my boyfriend to want me to get an abortion, but I also expected him to support me if I couldn't go through with one. He's only 20, and already has massive responsibilities - he's a senior at university and takes care of his sick mother who is slowly dying - but he's always struck me as such a good person, such a family oriented person. That's part of what drew me to him - I won't date someone I couldn't see myself with long term.
When I told him on Friday, he just assumed I had decided to have an abortion, and asked when and how I was going to do it. When I told him I didn't think I could go through with it, that I already felt love for my baby and that I was strong enough to do this, that *we* could do this, he said that I knew having an abortion was the best decision, and that although this baby would be loved and cared for and absolutely beautiful, neither of us were ready. When I stayed firm, he moved to saying that even though he would be there, he would despise me and be ashamed of our child. When I still stayed firm, he started saying horrible things to me which I will not repeat, and acted like I was out to ruin him, that the baby was out to ruin him, accused me of doing this on purpose, and that if this 'thing' wasn't gone by next week he would never see me again. That he wouldn't even want to know the child's name and he would pretend it never existed.
This shocked me so much because he's always been so sweet, and he LOVES children. He is majoring in child psychology, his job is dressing up as superheroes and going to children's parties, and he always talks about how having children is going to be the best time of his life, how everything that comes before that won't even compare.
But he's also got this white picket-fence dream that I'm apparently sabotaging, because he's not planning to have kids for another 10 years. He's made this completely about him - how dare I ask him to take time away from his sick mom, from his school, etc. Before he decided to walk out, he was so melodramatic, saying he'd have to drop out of school and he would be ruined and shamed and so on and so on.
But he's held firm that he will not be there for this child, and I am of the mind that it is not fair to bring a child into the world without a father. I'm not judging anyone here, please don't think that - I know plenty of loving, wonderful super single-moms, but I also see that their children are deeply troubled because something monumental is missing in their lives.
And it's selfish, too, because I feel like I can't go through this alone. Things were not supposed to be this way. My child needs a father, I need a partner. I loved this man, I saw myself with him for a long time, I fantacized about having his children. I'm devastated.
I have made an appointment for an abortion, something I never, ever thought I could do. Before I told him, I told myself that nothing he could say would talk me into it, even if he threatened to leave, but he's broken me down. And he made me so mad, because he was so cruel to me, and then the second I told him I would have an abortion, he thanked me for doing it for him, and was like, "Oh honey, I'll hold your hand through all of this and you'll be okay" and is even having sex with me again and pretending like everything is okay, although he says that once this is all over and I'm recovered he will probably leave me. I know this board isn't about abortion, but there doesn't seem to be one on Ivillage, and I'm just at a loss to what to do right now. It feels wrong, so wrong, but I also can't stand the thought of ruining my boyfriends life, and even more, I can't stand the thought of my child not having a father.
I would like to think that he's just saying this because he knows I'll get an abortion if he does, and that if I can't go through with it, he'll come around, but I also know I can't bet on that. It's not fair to my child to hope he'll change his tune. He's young, and scared, and even broke down crying once with me and said he wasn't ready, and afterward he just laid with me and put his hand on my stomach. But then the next morning he told me that he had a decision in this too and that he would not be involved AT ALL.
I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can go through with this abortion, it might tear me apart. I have to try, but I may run out of the clinic. But I also don't feel as though I have the strength to do this alone. I wish to God that my boyfriend hadn't done this, that he could be supportive, because I would be thrilled if he was, and it wouldn't matter at all that this wasn't planned because I already love this baby, and I love him, even though he doesn't love me. I feel like there is no decision that's right. I have been crying for days, not eating, barely able to go to work. The morning he told me I would be alone, I called my boss from work, hysterical, telling her she has to come in because I was having a personal crisis. I have no idea what to do.
My family is supportive either way. I know that if I have this baby, I could move home and they would help me out in every way possible, but I can't live there forever, and it wouldn't change the fact that my child might not have a father. Either way, I lose, my child loses. Is there anyone who can offer support or advice?
