We decided we want to try for a child. DH and I have talked everything over and our bottom line is we do think in 20 years we'd look back and regret not trying - that's the deal breaker for us.
So, I took my last BCP Saturday, I await AF and then we'll start trying. It's exciting and should be the happiest time of my life...
But my issues with my mother are eating away at me and causing serious anxiety that is making me second guess our decision. Her lack of boundaries, neediness and my fear that she will make her 1st grandchild her life and reason for living make me sick to my stomach. Some will say, that's what grandparents do. However, no one can comprehend how much I really think she'll try to burrow her way into our every day lives. And atleast childfree I can manage it and control her. I fear once I have a child the guilty that it is the baby's grandma and I can't NOT let her see the child... will make me feel like I have less control.
And beyond all that, she's been wanting a grandchild since I started menstrating (or that's the way it feels anyway) - she's lonely and alone - to fill her time she works the nursery at church and watches family friend's kids... I believe ALL that will stop and she'll think her sole outside activity should and will be interacting with her grandchild and our family.
I could really go on and on... but I know my chances of replies is dwindling with each sentence. I'm at a loss... I've done the therapy (which taught me to set healthy boundaries and such with her - and I'm not even completely comfortable with all that) and it's causing a strain on my marriage because I have so much anxiety about this.
Some days I really do feel like my life would be easier if I'd just cut her out of it all together... and then the guilt rises up in me and that little voice says "what a horrible daughter you'd be then". I can't win.
Let me first say this: I for one do not think you would be a horrible person, daughter or any of the above by cutting your mother out. Ok.. I might catch some heat for that but heres my reasoning... you need to remember that your main focuse should be on YOU first and foremost and your DH. If your mother causes you so many problems you really should conisder limiting her interference in your life, just remember @ all times YOU are in control ultimately... don't let guilt run you, i've done that SO much in my life and it really gets you nowhere and really doesn't fix any problems. You say you can control her in your life now, it won't be any different when you have a baby. She may WANT this or that, but you can still control the tempo. I really believe that when you grow up and have you own family that its your first priority above anyone else. And if you belive that her being appart of that will affect your family negatively I would limit or cut that out of the equation. Don't let your mother be the reason for any friction in your marraige, and certainly don't let her take motherhood away from you either. If it means you have to cut her out to go on and have your marriage and motherhood.. imo... you should do that. GL
Thank u to crystal_voice for the beautiful blinkies!
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, and from some of your wording, you need to remember to trust in your therapy program.
You do not have to cut her out. Although you may have grown up with dysfunction from your mom/parents, she obviously has never been in therapy, so she really hs no idea how unhealthy her thinking and behavior is.
That being said, you just need to remember that you have boundries set, and that you will not allow anyone, including your mother to manipulate you with guilt or her impulsive control-freak issues. You are not a child anymore, and it is not "cruel" or mean to insist that she respect you as an adult. People like her will fall back into trying to put on you the world's biggest guilt trip, but you probably learned in therapy why people like her resort to that kind of junk.
Remember---you cannot be forced to do or feel anything that you do not choose to. You cannot be responsible for her words, actions, choices or feelings. She owns them, not you. Stay respectful and kind, but stay firm within yourself and your boundries. As absurd as it is, in some ways she is the child and you have to be the loving, yet firm adult. She is a textbook "codependent", IMHO, and this is just how they go through life coping with their own issues. She'll be all childlike and needy to fill the hole where her own self-esteem is supposed to be, and then be all resentful and "hurt" if people won't play her game. It doesn't mean she's a bad person, it just mean she has big issues going way, way back.
So get your power back. That doesn't mean you need to "overpower" her---it means that you need to tap into your inner core strength. By doing so, you will not be a horrible daughter, you will be a self-confident, emotionally healthy adult. And if you stick with that philosophy and mindset, what a wonderful gift to give to your child! :)
And please, please focus on this awesome time---trying to bring a soul into the world with the love of your life! This is a sacred time. Honor it with all of the peace and positive energy you two have! If you think of it this way, all of you worry about the issue with your mom will seem like nonsense compared to the wonderment of trying for a child.
So best of luck to you and your husband! Sorry to be all philosophical and stuff. I hope I've helped a little! Keep us posted!
Yay for deciding to TTC, and ((HUGS)) for your feelings about your mom clouding this wonderful time. I can understand where you are coming from somewhat. I just spent the weekend with my parents so my feelings about them are on the surface anyway. My mom is miserable, really no other way to describe her, and I am the only bright spot in her life. I'm the only child, so a child that I have will be the only grandchild. Right now she doesn't live anywhere near me, but I hope to change that someday and that would mean her being around my family and child more and that frankly worries me.
"And beyond all that, she's been wanting a grandchild since I started menstrating (or that's the way it feels anyway) - she's lonely and alone - to fill her time she works the nursery at church and watches family friend's kids... I believe ALL that will stop and she'll think her sole outside activity should and will be interacting with her grandchild and our family." I feel similar feelings to that. I love my mom and want her to be involved, yet I don't really agree with her mindset and parenting ideas so I also don't really want her taking much of a care provider role but it's my mom so how can I not, right?! It's frustrating and sometimes I wish that I had that best friend/mom relationship with her that other ladies have.
I don't know your situation as well as you, but if you can possibly make things work, it would be great for your child to have their grandma in his/her life. On the other hand, I completely agree with pp, if her involvement would harm them in any way, you can and should take care of you and your family (DH and child) first and foremost and not feel guilty about it.
Thank you all for your posts! My husband and I sat for 2 hours Monday night talking about it all. And after hundreds of hours talking about my mother the last few years... something has HOPEFULLY clicked for me.
It's like you said, Scarlett, "She may WANT this or that, but you can still control the tempo." That was what my husband kept trying to get me to understand. So what if she runs around making the grandbaby her life and trying to burrow her way into our life. That doesn't mean she will/can. That's up to us. So sure, she can make it should like she's a pseudo-mother to my child... whatever, she'll only experience what I allow her to experience. That makes me feel like I have a little control! :)
And like Seven said "Remember---you cannot be forced to do or feel anything that you do not choose to. You cannot be responsible for her words, actions, choices or feelings. She owns them, not you. Stay respectful and kind, but stay firm within yourself and your boundries." That's super important for me and I want to remember it.
Kathy - it's so nice to know people can relate and well, validate what I'm feeling! The guilt (that comes from being my mother's emotional host the first 26 years of my life) tells me I'm NOT being a good enough daughter because I don't let her do whatever she wants... so to hear I'm not crazy to want these boundaries... is comforting!
