Deciding to Try

A little over a year ago, my husband & I decided that we eventually wanted a second baby. We sat down & discussed when we wanted to try again. Now recently, i reminded him that the time for starting on our second child was closer than we realized & we would need to start preparing during all of 2010.

Now last week, he tells me that he doesn't want to go ahead with the plan anymore because he wants to go to college & if he doesn't go now, he never will! He wants us to wait until we "get our life together" first because we can't afford another child Huh?

The only time we discussed him going to school was when he "told me" he wants to go but, when i asked him how we would afford it he couldn't tell me. He's doing nothing at all to prepare himself to go to college.

I am EXTREMELY disappointed! I was looking forward to this for 3 entirely & he has been so supportive all this time. I don't understand why the sudden change. Maybe it's because his single friend is in college, he feels pressure to do the same. I dunno! We are in entirely too much debt for college but he sees it the other way around.

We have most of what we need already for a new child since I kept everything from our 1st baby. I honestly don't see how our marriage can work if we are at 2 different points in our life! If we plan things out carefully and agree on it then he changes his mind when the time comes, how can we accomplish anything that way? I can't even bring myself to speak to him right now because I'm so hurt. He tends to go back on his word often and it's very frustrating.

He is 22 and I am 28, so there is a big age gap. I understand why we are at different points in our life but I explained to him that I would like to try again when i'm 30 because I don't want to be raising children while i'm old. We were only married for 6 months before the birth of our 1st child so we are looking forward to enjoying it when were done raising children. I understand that he wants to go to school but not now. Can anyone help me through this. Thanks!

I can kind of relate to what you are going through.  My DH is in college, a 2 yr program.  Well his 2 yr program is ending up taking him 3 years.  This change is having a huge effect on our TTC plans.  Although DH would support TTC when we originally planned to, the potential financial strains worry me.  As a compromise, I think we are going to TTC in between when we originally planned and when he will graduate, and work on some financial goals before we TTC. 

I think what you and your DH should do is sit down and have a good discussion about your goals for the future.  What type of program is he looking into?  How long will it take, what are the costs, and what sort of pay will he be looking at in the field he's studying once he would graduate.  Those are probably just some of the questions you should be going over together. 

And although his desire to go to college is something that you should talk about together, your desire to have another baby is one too.  Both of you have needs and wants, and need the other person to support you.  How could a baby fit into his college timeline if at all.  Is he on board to have another baby, and will he support you?  You both may need to bend a little on what you originally planned for, but if you work through this dilemma together, your marriage will end up stronger on the other end!!  Good luck to you!!

 

 

Before I saw anything else, let me make clear that I understand that you want to TTC on your original plan, and that being disappointed is a perfectly valid feeling. However, I just want to throw a few things out there to consider in interacting with your DH as you discuss this.

First, he's 22. At this age most people, but especially men, don't have the same ability to think long-term as someone in their late 20's or 30's. It's a biological *fact* that the human brain doesn't fully develop until the mid 20's, and women's brains develop earlier than men's. The last part to develop is the portion responsible for strategic planning and weighing long range consequences. Given that, it's not surprising that he was more enthusiastic about a plan to TTC when it was a year away. It wasn't entirely real then. Now that it's mid-range/short term, he's seeing the potential impacts on other areas of his life that just might not have been a reality before. But you, at 27 when you first talked about this, were more likely to be able to project that far out.

Second, you wonder why he is thinking about college when you are so much in debt. Well, there are grants and loans for college, but not for babies. And he may be looking at college as an investment that will help provide for the children down the road. It's not entirely illogical.

Finally, I understand that your thread title "He went back on his word" is mostly venting. But how we vent shows through to some extent in our interactions with people, even if we don't say those things to that person directly. I've always felt uncomfortable with the idea of a DH (or DW) agreeing to a timeline for TTC being considered a promise or someone giving their word. Circumstances and feelings change. And while it is perfectly valid for you to still really want this, it is also perfectly valid for him to have concerns or a change in feelings over the period of a year. He hasn't done anything wrong here, and IMO it's important to make sure you don't make him feel like he has. He already probably feels bad about the fact that you feel disappointed.

((HUGS))  I can relate to your disapointment and frustration.  I've been discussing DTT with DH for years now and a few times I've felt like he was on board and then had him backtrack and had it really hurt me.  I agree with what the pps said.  The far off idea of something is a completely different story then when it's coming up and becoming real.  Guys (and girls) often love the idea of something and then balk at it when it becomes more real.  I would definitely encourage you to discuss things with DH, but be sure to be in an emotionally calm place when you do b/c we say things we regret quite often when we are upset.  If it helps, maybe write things down first so you can keep your thoughts clear.

DH's wanting to go to college is a great thing, and it might be feasible to get financial aid like pp said and not have it be too much of a financial burden on you.  The long term benefits to your family, regardless of its size, is great.  On the other hand, he may be thinking of college as a way to delay TTC for a second child.  His age could be involved too.  He is much younger than you, so he may have thought a second sounded good, but the reality may be too much in his mind to handle.

Marriage is hard work, and you will often be on different pages, but it doesn't mean that your marriage can't work and won't be stronger b/c of all this.  I've felt your frustration and thought similar things myself, but after walking through it with DH we are stronger than ever.  I hope that you both can be open to the other's wants and needs and can talk about this in a loving and honest way.  Hopefully you can come to a decision soon that you can both be happy with.  ((HUGS))