Single Moms

Hello Ladies,

This is my first time to this board.I hope I came to the right place to discuss my situation. I will try to be brief. I turned 40. I am single and childless. I was engaged about 3 years ago in a 7 year relationship. He decided he no longer wanted to be married and have any more kids. He had 3 from a previous relationship, all teens. God has healed my broken heart. I have no bitter feelings towards my ex. I haven't met anyone that I have wanted to be with. Let alone make a baby with. So, I am making plans to adopt a baby or babies. Some people in my circle are supportive. Others aren't. Like one friend said I should adopt older kids. I don't want big kids! A baby is my first choice. She had a baby 9 months ago. Is living with her boyfriend, and they can't seem to get down the aisle. She doesn't work because baby will only take breast. Period. So they have major money problems. The other person in my circle is a relative. She had my little neice totally unplanned. And is in a very big financial bind. She doesn't enjoy being a mom and complains about taking her to the doctor etc etc.  HOw it isn't all easy. I have told all of my single friends, I am aware it isn't all easy to raise kids. NO one has said it was a walk in the park. 

But it isn't all bad either! There are some joyful times as well as hardtimes when it comes to kids.  I am in the process of changing careers to something that is more family friendly. I work for one of the big 3 automakers. We work 9 and 10 hour shifts. NOt family friendly at all. I am one test away from getting my teaching certification. I got my college degree over 15 years ago.  Teaching it actually pays more than where I am working. I am going for the Pre-k to 1st graders. I love the little ones and I enjoy it. I have done sub work and this is where my passion is. I also do bartending parttime. My financial plans are pretty solid. When I teach, I can be a steady bartender parttime. Which is extra money I plan to set aside for my baby fund.

 I know I probaly shouldn't pay any attention to these 2 ladies. They are close to me. But they make it seem like being a single mom is the worst thing in the world! There are people who don't quite get me wanting children. Wanting to be a mom with or without a husband. Or better yet planning to have a baby with or without a babys daddy.  I only wish I had adopted sooner. I am actually pretty happy with my life. I am not "needy" for male attention. I am very attractive, and can have sex with probaly any man. I desire to be a mom more than a wife. Is there anything wrong with this? Could it just be envy and jealousy?

Thanks!

well, i'm not a single mother, but i do know a woman who chose a path similar to yours. she went to school and set up a home based business and adopted 2 children. she has her own home all paid for. however, she also moved in her widowed mother as well. this is a good support for her so she can avoid daycare costs.

why not try and get your feet wet first? you already know two women in need- why not help out and babysit during the majority your free time. granted they're not your kids, but it may give you an idea of what you're getting into. or maybe you could sign up for a big sister program.

i hate to say it, and maybe the moms on here can provide more insight, but for most of the single parents i know personally, well, they have had to make sacrifices in their sex lives. they have to cancel dates because junior has the flu or there's no intimacy because judy had a nightmare and needs to sleep in mom's bed tonight. this can happen in a two parent home as well. are you ready for a 20 year sacrifice?

and babies dont stay babies forever- they grow up. so i know you want to adopt babies, but well they do turn into kids and teens. if you are bothered by raising teens, then maybe parenting isnt for you.

Thanks for the reply. I was hoping to hear from single moms. As far as getting my feet wet, I have over 60 neices and nephews. YES 60. I am the youngest of 12 kids.  I am a legal guaradian for several neices&nephews,  in case something happens to their parents.  I am tired of babysitting them. I have longed to have my own children for several years now. It's different from babysitting someone else's children. Totally different. As far as teens go, I don't want to adopt any teens. Only younger children, babies if possible. Younger ones will be easier to raise as teens, because I am their mom and have raised them. They have my values, my rules, my parenting skills. Teen adoptions tend be really bad, for all the parents I know. They have been mistreated by foster homes etc and are not receptive to your parenting structure.  Thanks again for the reply. I have support from 2 ladies I talked about and my family is very supportive. They are excited for me. I shouldn't let 2 moms that hate being parents ruin my outlook. They didn't use a good form of birthcontrol and got pregnant by mistake. Me, I am planning on adding kids to my life. I actually want them. They are not a one night stand mistake or something. I am also 40 years grown and know what I desire from life. I desire to be a mom, more than a wife. I could care less about being a wife and girlfriend. Just a mommy right now.

Thanks again, I will wait for the reply from actual single moms. You may want to check out another board. There are plenty of boards for married moms. I dont' think there is one for single moms by choice. Which is what I am.

hotcarmel

I am not a single mom by choice particularly, but I did divorce the boys' dad when they were 1 and 5.

For the right person, a single mom is overall pretty great.  :)  There are some major drawbacks but they can be overcome.  To me, there are some things that you have to look seriously hard at before deciding to become a single mom by choice.

I wrote out a ton of things, but after re-reading your post, it sounds like you have a lot of what I wrote already covered.  :)  So, I amended my list to this:

Physical endurance, a strong back, and a sense of humor. 

Physical endurance:  I promise, from the time they are born until, well I'm not sure when exactly it stops because mine are 23 and 18 and it's still going on, you will sleep less and worry more than you have in your entire life.  You will be up all night some nights, catching throw up in your hand or waiting for your 1st time driver to come home safe and sound (and usually after curfew!) and still have to go to work the next day.  You will put in 8-10 hours at work and put in another 6-8 hours at home.

A strong back:  Toting, lifting, carrying babies/toddlers and all their paraphanalia is no easy feat.  Lifting up a broken hearted teenage son is even more difficult.

A sense of humor:  Finding the humor in every day trials and tribulations will keep you going.  It teaches your kids a great way to look at life.  And when you can laugh with your kids, you seal a bond for life.

I wouldn't change being a single mom for the world.  I had things a lot easier than lots of single moms--my ex in-laws are my family, I am friends with the dad and his wife, and I have a great job.  So it's easy for me to say being a single mom is peaches and cream.  Even with all of that, some days it just sucked.  But, that's life.  If it didn't suck sometimes, you wouldn't recognize the really great times.  And now that my boys are grown, I look back and realize we had *lots* of great times.  And we will have lots more.