Hi everyone, it's been a while since I've posted on here but I am in need of some support so what better place to come than here! Here is just a little background for now.
I am a single mom with 3 kids, my daughter 20; and my sons 15 and 8. I explained to my DD that if she is going to school full time then I won't charge her rent so the money that she makes from working can pay her car payments and insurance and whatever else. She doesn't help out around the house and spends most of her time in her room. Her b/f is staying with us right now since his parents moved up North but I did NOT give permission for this to happen. As strange as that sounds...he just slowly started to stay more and more until WHAMO!! Now he has planted himself under MY roof with no job and no car! DD is VERY disrespectful to me every time I try to talk to her about how he doesn't pay any rent or help with any bills. She argues with me about everything under the sun! She constantly pulls out the drama with crying and saying that I hate her. I am so tired of her BS that this last incedent that I'm about to share with you was the last straw.
We have a lot of cats in a small 3 bd apartment. These are her cats, except for one. One of her cats has been pooping and peeing on everything and I have told her to either find someone to take it or I'm taking her to the pound. Can you guess what happened? Yep, I took her to the pound when DD wasn't home. She didn't even notice her gone for almost 4 days. I know I shouldn't have lied when she asked me if I took her to the pound but I did. I never thought in a million years that she would have went there looking for her. DD just doesn't do things like that. So I got busted by my own DD!! She then had the nerve to tell me that I have to pay for her to get out, I told her hell no, of course. Long story short...last night guess what she walks in with in her arms? A new kitten!!!! OMG!!! I am beside myself on this one! She has NO respect for me or my rules and I really don't want her living here with her b/f anymore.
I already know that I should never have allowed her b/f to be here so please go easy on me abou that ok? I really need some advice on how to approach her without blowing my top. Any suggestions?
I know as a single mom it can sometimes be hard to allow our kids to be angry with us. It's hard for any parent. But sometimes, we just have to let them be angry.
First thing, when you are both calm, talk to her about what each of you expect from the other. Tell her that since she is an adult (minus the eyeroll I would be very tempted to display) she needs to start taking responsibility for herself. Since things have been very tense between you two, you want to come up with some ground rules so that you, she and her brothers can all co-exist in the same house.
There are things she needs to learn to do because someday she will be living on her own. She is responsible for washing and drying her own clothes, towels, sheets, etc. (you can pick a couple of days that will be her wash days if you want.) She will be responsible for fixing supper for the entire family one day a week. This includes either shopping for the groceries or giving you a list of what she will need, cooking it and cleaning up afterwards. (She may already be doing these things, but I'm guessing not.) She may be 20, but she still has chores because she lives there. She's simply not having to do them all as she would be having to do if she were living on her own.
As a matter of fact, NOW would be a really good time to start getting the entire family doing for themselves (if they aren't already). The boys should be doing these sames things--washing their own clothes, cooking supper, regular chores, etc. These are life-skills they will all need some day.
Tell her b/f cannot live there. Period. He simple can't. You will give him a week (or 2 weeks or a month) to find other accommodations. Make sure you set a definite time frame and be prepared to stick with it. Let her be a drama queen, but don't get sucked down to her level. Walk away from it. It won't kill her and it won't kill you. Grow a back-bone mom. She may be an adult, but she is still living in your home. (Normally, I advocate for more freedom for a 20 yo living at home while going to school, but that is with the understanding they are acting more like an adult. Obviously, your dd hasn't quite gotten out of the teenage rebellion stage.) It should have never gotten to this point, but you already know that, and you now have to just go forward from here.
I understand you are upset she brought another kitty home, but she brought it home just to tick you off. Since you already have "lots", what's another one? I personally wouldn't pick that particular hill to die on. Not saying you shouldn't be upset (I know I would be) but there are bigger issues here to deal with.
Let her spend time in her room. Again, not a big deal.
If worse comes to worst, she will pitch a wall-eyed fit and threaten to move out with her boyfriend. Tell her it might be a really good idea. Does she think they could afford to do it? (And do NOT be sarcastic when saying that) Offer to help her figure out a budget and see where they might be able to live. And, that as long as she's going to school, you will be glad to help her with her tuition.
It is funny how often parents get run over by their children, often because of how much love a parent has for the child, and the child has yet to experience the love you feel when you have a child yourself. I understand wanthing to make your DD happy, and for her to have a fullfilling life as that is the goal for all of our children. But what your are doing is NOT leading her to develop the tools she needs to have a productive happy adult life. Your DD is not going to show respect for you until you show respect for yourself. I see in so many instances parents unable to ''put their foot down'' as you would say but once you take the LEAP into being strict and following through with your words with actions, life will become easier for both of you. For every action she decides there are always consequences. You need to make that clear and follow through. If she keeps bringing home pets be firm and tell her NO and take her pets back to the shelter. Dont tell her no once then allow it another time, this is sending mixed signals which are telling her,'' if you do it enough it will finally be considered OK.'' just like the boyfriend situation. He stayed over enough and finally it just became OK. If she is unwilling t o clean ever, make it clear that this is no longer allowed and that you will be throwing anything away if it is left out. She may not believe you, but once you throw away enough stuff, she will get the hint to put it away. Let her throw her tantrums let her cry, just DO NOT break down. If you break down and give up, she has won and she will never learn. Then her children will end up doing the same to her. You must demand respect from her! If her boyfriend is not going soon enough(like after two weeks) take the door of the hinge. It is your door, your house, and no one is paying rent. I bet they will be out alot faster if they have no privacy!!! Tell your DD before you do anything so she knows anything she does she will have to own up to her actions. If she doesnt cook or clean anything, dont cook for her, and put her dirty stuff in her room. It will be a battle. Be prepared. She will not like being told what to do, and she will try to break you down since she knows she has been successful at that before. Also be vocal with her boyfriend. Make him uncomfortable, tell him you dont want him living there he does nothing productive and you are NOT his mother. That is enough reason for anyone to want to leave! it will be hard and you have to change yourself before they will change. But dont get into fights, tell her what the consequences are, and follow through wit hactions. dont threaten just let her know the rules and then follow through with the action. Youve done enough ''talking'' and it has gotten you here. time for some TOUGH love darling! let us know how it goes.
I would do some research. Where are the homeless shelters in your area? Are there rooming houses in your area, and what are the rates? Are there cheap apartments? What are the subsidized housing options?
Then I would leave a note for dd and her bf to meet you at a place and time where ds won't be present. Keep the meeting businesslike. Explain that no official arrangement to have bf stay was ever made, and that you have reservations/concerns, and don't want him to continue staying. Then present whatever information you gathered during your research. Suggest bf make arrangements to move into one of those options. If dd objects and threatens to leave with him, agree, acknowledging that it might be a good idea. Then set a time limit for him/them to move, and wish them all the best with their choices. Now leave the meeting site and be busy doing something else so they can't engage in anything melodramatic.
That would be what I'd do. I might also see if you need to present some sort of note to them/him officially outlining the move out to cya. Just curious, but on your lease, what is the policy if an extra person moves in, do you have to notify your landlord? Mention that, if there is one... It would be part of the business of being the tenant, and you would be expected to comply to whatever your agreement is. If you didn't give the bf permission to move in, then he has to go, period.
