Stillborn

hi ladies.

i have been "enjoying" (for lack of a better word) reading peoples blogs.

i have wondered if there were other people close to my situation that would be will to share there blogs with me.

here is my story as of the last few months.

Im doing pretty good actually. The only problem is … I have to keep very busy… so my mind doesn’t start thinking about autumn. That’s a bittersweet thing to have to do.. but it’s the only way I can keep sane.  . And that gets exhausting after awhile

I have been struggelling because my sil is pregnant again.. the one who had a baby around autumn due date.

And I now have another sil pregnant. found out a couple of months ago.

One is due jan 8

The other due may 8

Autumn was born jan 23 due may 9 so… right around my sensitive days.

I know those dates are insignificant.. but they aren’t to me.

So I don’t mean to be sad at there news. Not at all!! Its just another little reminder of what I want and what im missing.

And it pretty much sucks to feel so bad about not being so happy for them.. and for you.

I went to the doc finally… to see whats taking so long. I got my period in june and july.  And not in aug. it was due the first week. So I was way excitd that it didn’t come. but every home test came up negative. I was going bizerk!!! So I went to the doc. He gave me an ultrasound and it was empty. Tears rolled down. My hubby was there. It was a tough visit.

 Then he checked out my uterus and he said it is very very thin. So I need to take some pills after my period comes and then go back to him again..and see if the pills will help. I asked him when I would be able to get pregnant.. as to not get my hopes up to soon.. and he said 4 to 6 months.

Well I still have not received my period.ugg

I feel like going back to him and saying.. I think I need pills to start my period!! But I havnt. It is very expensive.  And I feel guilty spending money when I have 3 other kids and a family to take care of. So I have not yet gone back. Im ok with this choice im making.

I keep telling myself I don’t want anymore babies so that I do not spiral downwards. It helps a ton. But its not the truth. But its whats keeping me going. I can finaaly go to church the first hour and go home happy. I used to go home bawling.. so I am healing and it feels so good to not have a constant blanket of pain. I still cant go to any family function with 3 babies there and 2 pregnant. And I have FINALLY come to a spot in my brain where that is OK!! Im ok not being there.. I no longer feel guilty. Yea the thought could come creeping in but I have to fight fight fight fight!!  To be happy again. Most days I when the fight. About 1 day a week I don’t.. maybe 2

I have come to a point in my life were I feel pretty much normal… as long as I don’t think of babies and anything to do with that. i am so extremely grateful for my husband of 12 years. its been hard and difficult but we have made it thru the first year and a half! after loosing autumn ! i love my 8,9,10 year olds. i thought i had all the mothers love for them before autumn died.. but now knowing they can be takin away in an instant.. i love them even more.

This is not a vent.. im just letting you know how im doing..

I pray for you… .. everyday.

Every single one of my friends are either pregnant or have had a baby…((( well that not really true.. but it feels like it))))whos also had a stillbirth…. except one.. who I live close to… we are in the same family circumstnces in many many ways. So its comforting to have her.!!!

Im ok with everyone being pregnant.. its just hard..

Hope you are feeling ok

Think of you so often!!

Man how I miss talking to you…. Oh how the word bitter sweet.. is in and of itself oh.. too bittersweet!!

 i miss chating with all the women that were here with me around may of o8. are you guys still hanging in there. id love to here updates. i know how it is.. not being on this site as much.. but id love to know how every one is doing.. i miss you

or email me at ajoutdoor@gmail.com

thanks

jen.

 mom to autumn bornstill 1.23.08 @ 26 weeks

((Jen))

I'm sorry.  It really is such a roller coaster ride.  The two year anniversary was difficult for me.  It seemed like people who remembered so well at one year were gone.  So many people forgot.  I guess that is just what happens, but it doesn't make it any easier.  Thinking of you and Autumn.