I lost my son, Zachary, at 36 weeks 5 days on July 8th, 2009. I think I've been doing fairly well with my grief up to this point. I was lucky to have 15 weeks of maternity leave and I went back to work this past Monday. For some reason being back here just makes the sadness and grief that much more real and raw. I guess being at home I was able to control every aspect of my day. If something made me sad or angry or frustrated I could move on and focus on other things. If I needed to cry, I could... At work I have to cope and I feel like I'm having a hard time doing that. I thought it would be good for me to be back here, good to have my mind on other things. Instead I feel more sad. I miss my daughter because I only have 2 hours a day with her now, whereas on mat leave I have 5. I feel jipped. Before I left I was able to tolerate my boring, unproductive days because I knew I was going to be off for a year with my beautiful baby boy. I looked forward to long walks in the crisp fall air and spending time wiht my two children and now being back at work just depresses me. I cried all day yesterday.
I haven't sought out any counselling services or anything yet because I feel like I have good days and bad. Some good days I just want to pretend that my life is normal and that nothing bad happened to our family. I fear that if I had a counsellor and I happened to have an appointment on one of those days, ripping that scab off would be more detrimental to my recovery than just allowing myself that good day. I wonder if I'm going about this the wrong way.
My coworkers tell me how strong I am and I deny it. It's all an act to make people THINK I'm still sane. If I'm sane then I can move on and have other children and enjoy the simple things in life.
I can't wait to get pregnant again and feel hopeful when faced with all things baby-related, I'm tired of feeling sad and angry like I do right now. I miss my old life. My life, my personality, my relationships from before this tragedy took away the spark I once had...
Maybe I need a change. A new job where nobody knows my situation. New friends, a new neighborhood... In a perfect world I could live under a rock in order to avoid being exposed to all the things that make me so sad.
This sucks. This really sucks... and though my DH tells me to stop feeling sorry for myself, I can't help but wonder why me? Why us? Is there really some higher being out there who believes that we are strong enough to handle this? I can't imagine why "he/she" would think that!?
I am sorry that you are having a difficult time right now. I lost my son Aidan at 29 weeks 3days on March 27, 2009. He was my first child. I had 12 weeks maternity leave before I came back to work. Some of the feeling that you are experiencing, I had them. My due date was June 9 and was supposed to be on maternity leave until November. I was expected to be out the whole summer, but instead I had to return to work. I am happy that I work as a counselor and my co-workers were very understanding. I remember the 2nd week at work, I came in and my thoughts were "why are you here, why are you work, you don't have any children to take care with the money you are making." I got in my office and close that door and cry, and almost every weekend was a crying weekend, but as I writting this post, I can tell you it does get easier. I take it one day at the time, and if a day I wake up and I am not in the mood to deal with work, I will call sick or speak to my supervisor and let her know what type of day I am having. I know it is difficult, your son Zachary should have been with you and it is a very difficult situation to deal with, but you can make it. When you feel like crying, cry and let your co-worker know that you are not strong and that it takes all in the world to wake up and put on your clothes to come to work. I do not know if you can have someone at work who you can speak to because that helped me a lot, some of my co-workers were willing to let me share my feelings with them, and sometimes it helps and that allowed me to go through the day.
As for counseling, I think it will be good, and you can also look for a support group for you and your husband if possible. I remember one day when I saw my counselor, I was having a good day and we had a great session that was the first time I did not cry in her office, and I thought that I would stop crying since I did not cry the whole week, and I told her that, and she gave me the best advice ever. She told me that "I will go for days, weeks or months without crying and then I will remember something and I will start crying, and that it was ok. That is part of grieving". So when 3 days later, I started crying when I received Baby R US information, I know I was okay and I went with that feeling. Therefore now even though I have more goods than bad days, I know that the bad days could always come and that is okay. Having a counselor did help me.
As for your last thought, I do beleive there is a higher power, and I choose to call it God. I think he is in control of every situation whether good or bad. I can say for myself that I do not know the reason why I have to go through this pain, but I can tell you that He is carrying through it. If I can be of sound mind and not crazy after I lost Aidan it is by the Grace of God. For I was unable to concieve for 6 years then got pregnant and then to lose the baby. Now, my doctor does not even give me a good outcome on having another baby, but my faith keeps increasing. I know the facts of the doctor, but I also know the truth about my God. My doctor herself stated when I was pregnant that she never thought I would be pregnant, she used to call Aidan (miracle baby), then guess that I have to believe that God as a living miracle waiting for me. He is making me go through this for a purpose and I wish I knew why, but I do not care about the why anymore, I just keep trusting him for who He is. I will keep you in my prayers, and I hope you have a better day tomorrow.
I don't post that often, but I just wanted to say that I had a really tough time going back to work, too. The first two weeks were the hardest for me - I find that stressful situations are incredibly hard for me to deal with since I'm still grieving. But, after that, it got better. And now I'm at the point that I'm glad to be back to work and distracted for a few hours a day. It's just business as usually now. But it was so hard at first. I cried every day on my way home.
I find I pretend that everything is ok, and that I'm just fine and everything is great - and that helps me get through the day. I don't talk about what happened, because I just need to function at work. Everyone is different. It's gotten so easy to pretend, though. Some days I even fool myself! But, anyways, I hope that it gets better for you after the first few weeks are over - all the firsts of seeing everyone again, the sympathetic freaked-out looks from your co-workers, and the awkward "no one knows what to say" stuff. It got better for me.
Renée
Baby Dylan - born May 27th, 2009 at 40 wks. 3 days
first i wanted to say im so sorry Zachary is not in your arms at this very minute.
my baby died 1.23.08 @ 26 weeks.
my husband owns a landscape company. after my baby died i went to go to work for him again. at first.. it was so hard. all i could think was.. im not supposed to be here... i need my baby back. days i would be at home all i did was sleep.. or be on the computer.. so going to work was helpful at times... another... bitter/sweet moment!
since my loss has been over a year and a half i have to say that it has gotten so much better!!! i dont think time.. really make it better.. i have just learned to fight for happiness better. which is still very difficult.
as for moving or a new job.... as you were saying... our church set new boundaries after 7 months of my greiving. so we went to church with all new people. i choose not to tell anyone!!! and the first 2 weeks i did that. and it was good to not have to be a "scene" but then on the 3rd week i just lost it. i couldnt deny that i had a baby a few months ago.. and tears fell as i saw people and their babies or as they talked about them. so for me.. i had hope to move away from people that "knew"... and start over.. but Autumn.. my baby.. is so real to me.. .i had to let out my feelings.. even though i wanted so badly to keep them in.. does that make sense?
i still wonder every singel day.. why me. the only way to answer that.. every day i say... i am blessed to have a baby waiting for me in Heaven. God must know im a pretty strong women. ( i dont beleive it somedays.. but i tell myself it so i dont go insane by asking it over and over and over.
Hi...I'm new to this site and when I read your post I can relate to being back at work and sad. My son was born still on 8/8/09 and I just returned to work on Sept 21st. Everyday is hard especially when there are many pregnant women in the office and then people run into me and ask how my baby is. I tell my story and it continues to be hard. I know my life has forever changed and coming back to work was the hardest thing because you feel like regardless of everything you've been through your life is still continuing on and that is the hardest for me.
