This is my first time posting, but I've been a "lurker" for some time now. It has brought me so much comfort to read everyone's stories on here and to know that there are people out there who truly understand what we're going thru. I've debated for some time about posting my story, but always seem to find myself lost for words. I think it's time....
Tristan was born still on September 6, 2009 @ 27 wks. Everything with the pregnancy was going as perfect as could be. This was our first child and we were so excited about finally being parents after being together for almost 11 years. I know that I'm only 25 and I still have plenty of time to have children, but I wanted him so bad. I miss him and being pregnant more than I could have ever imagined! This whole experience has been so unreal, from giving birth and knowing that he wasn't going to come out crying, holding him and knowing that he wasn't going to open his eyes or grab onto my finger, being wheel chaired out of the hospital, holding a box of keepsakes instead of my baby boy, having to pick out his little outfit and casket, to watching my husband and father carry him to his final resting place. It's still so surreal and I find myself getting very nervous for my due date, Dec 4th, to be here. I feel that I'm doing pretty good with things, I was able to take 4 weeks off work, but coming back a month ago now, was very hard. It was having to face a whole new group of people and have them look at you with all that sympothy. It was hard. My biggest problem now is trying to accept that my husband doesn't need to cry or talk about him everyday anymore. We knew that we were going to handle everything differently and that we had to accept that, but I almost feel like I'm a burden to him when I talk about it now. I can't seem to talk or think about him enough! I would visit the cemetary every day if I could! I find comfort in looking at his pictures just about every day. Yesterday I had a check up with my doctor and as I was waiting in the room, I could hear her listening to the women next doors babies heart beat and I completely lost it! I just wished so badly that I was there for my normal weekly check up and that was Tristan's heart beating. I try to tell myself that we should be thankful that if something was meant to be wrong with him, it's better that it happened now rather than later, but it's so hard to be thankful about a situation so horrible! I still can't stop asking WHY! Why did this happen to us, what did I do wrong and to deserve this. It's hard to accept that we'll never have an answer to why this happened. All of my tests and his autopsy came back fine. How can there not be an answer!!!!!!
I just pray for the strength to make it thru the holidays and my due date, but I know it's going to be so hard. We finally got the nursery taken down and repainted. I think this will help me. I found myself walking by the room everyday still waiting for him to be here. I've been searching online for some sort of box to keep all of his keepsakes in. I then worry about what I'm going to do with the box, he was my son! How do I just put this box up in the closet or somewhere like it never happened!!!!!
I'm glad I was finally able to post this, it's nice to just get things off your chest now and then.
I'm so sorry to everyone of you on here for having to go thru this! It's not fare and no one should ever have to feel the pain of losing their child. My heart and thoughts go out to all of you!
It's always bittersweet when someone new joins us. Bitter because of your need for this group, sweet because you have found us. I sadly welcome you.
One of the best things about this group is that it is a safe place to say how you feel. No one here will judge you and I can guarantee you that no matter what you say or how you are feeling there will be someone who has said the same thing or felt the same way.
You are so new at this. Please give yourself some grace. Don't let anyone tell you how you should or shouldn't be feeling. There is no set timeline for this grief. It is unlike anything else you've ever experienced. One thing that you will discover is that men and women grieve differently and that can be very frustrating. It's not that men "get over it" rather they just do it differently.
The one thing that I can tell you that I promise you is true is that it does get better. You don't get over it, but it doesn't get better today or tomorrow or next week, but it does get better. It's almost so gradual that you don't even realize it's better until you find yourself smiling or laughing. (I remember the first time I looked at my daughter's picture and smilled rather than cried. It was nice).
I hope you come here often. These are wonderful ladies.
my husband and i greive very differently. i like to talk and talk and talk about my daughter.. bornstill 1.23.08. my husband on the other hand doesnt at all.
only just a few weeks ago i came cring to him saying.. why dont you want to talk to me about Autumn. i alwasy thought he didnt because maybe i was a freak.. or i cried to much.. or he thought i should be over this...
and he looked me in the eyes.. and cried.. for thr 4th time in our 12 year marriage !! and said.... i dont like to talk or listen about her because it pains and hurts me physically.
so i have to look at our differences in greiving like this... i need to respect his "quiet ways" and he needs to respect my "talking ways" so we have met in the middle that i can talk about her about 2 times a week... we never made the number 2 offical... but somewhere in the middle to compermise.
for YOU it may be different.. maybe like once a day for a few minutes.. something you can work out with your hubby...a compermise because you are in such an early stage of your healing process.
i wish my husband and i could have made that compermise a whole lot sooner... but we didnt.
I am sorry that Tristan is not in your arm, and sorry as well that you have to join this group, but happy that you found us. I understand your feeling completely. My husband was the same as your husband, at first he did not want to talk about Aidan. I guess he was trying to be strong for me, as we started going to support group, he opened up and now we do talk about him. I think us girls do like to talk and it is easier for us to express our feelings. Just know that your husband is grieving as well even though it is different then yours, when you feel comfortable you can ask him and see what he says about his feeling but give him time.
The ladies here are wonderful, I think this site was a lifesaver the weeks and months right after my Aidan was born still. I will keep you in my prayers. Please give your self time to grieve and everyone grieve differently. Come here often to vent, cry, yell we are here to listen.
Hi, Jennifer--I truly wish you didn't even know about us, that you were just blissfully still pregnant. But since you're here, I extend a warm welcome to you. I agree w/Nadia. Our sweet Andrew was stillborn on May 23, 2009 at 38 weeks due to an umbilical cord accident. My DH cried in the beginning, and then went into full work mode. The thing that helps us the most as a couple is our RL support group. There are two other men there who attend regularly w/their wives and it's been invaluable to my DH. DH still over-works (long hours at his job, volunteering for things at church, working on projects at home and barely sleeping--he's fallen asleep at the computer more times than I can count) but we're still making it. And over these past 5 months, it's slowly gotten better, like a fog is very slowly receding. And there's no one else I could imagine going through this nightmare with--we've been together 10 years, married for 7. We each came to the marriage w/a child (him, a boy, me, a girl). Our older kids are now 13 & 14, Andrew was our "together" child after my husband's vasectomy reversal. I pray daily for strength, guidance and another pregnancy. My advice to you would be to just be patient w/each other and remember that people grieve differently. I know my DH just wants to "fix" anything he can for me. He told me that when I went back to work he wanted to come to as my bodyguard to stop anyone from upsetting me. I kind of think that's the way most men are. Five months later I still cry unexpectedly and need to be held by DH. I wish you healing at this very difficult time, the two month mark is a hard one.
