Stillborn

I don't come to the board much anymore. I poke around and read what everyone is feeling, but sometimes I just can't do it so I stay away. It has been nearly 2 years since I lost Gracie but it seems like yesterday. So many bad and good things have happened to me and my family over the past 2 years.

I did not go back to work after loosing Gracie until about 6 months after the fact. I worked in a pediatric office as an Office Manager and when it was time to go back we had relocated miles away from the office. They felt it would be best for me to start fresh somewhere else with the relocation and my situation. That was a blessing and a knife in my heart all at the same time. I am not sure, at that time, how I would have ever been able to go back into a pediatric office again. Seeing all of the babies that did make it into the world alive, watching all of the happy mom's with their children, talking to the parents that had asked me only days before Gracie passed when she would be here and what my hopes and dreams were for my precious little one..A knife because how would I ever start over with all new people? Would I explain my situation or just pretend nothing ever happened? It is all so bittersweet..

Well I did start over and boy was that a roller coaster ride. Long story short I worked for the WORST non for profit organization in all of Kansas City. They treat their employees very poorly and I ended up leaving a year after the fact. Unless I would have shared the loss of Gracie with you, you would have NEVER known that I had been thru such a terrible tragedy..my boss was aware as I thought I needed to share a little bit with him and he ended up throwing her passing in my face on numerous occasions.

Now to my point... I started a new job 2 weeks ago. I am working in a local hospital and love it. A supervisor that I work closely with is pregnant and due any day.. a co-worker is pregnant and due in March, my sister in law is due with baby #2 since our loss in February (I don't have the heart to ask her when or what she will be having as this is Gracie's month),
and all I hear about is everyone's babies, grand kids and "wait until next year when your little one is here with you and gets to dress up for Halloween" (if they only knew babies die).. A co-worker brought in his child for a moment last week. A little girl, darling..about 2 or 2 1/2 years old.. she was sharing her barbie with us and was dressed up as a "dancing bumble bee" for Halloween. One of the others asked her what her name was.
I was doing okay up until this point.. she sweetly said "GRACIE"..
I lost it. I had to walk away. I know it is only a name, and a good one must I say.. but she was the same age, bouncing, beautiful, alive and NOT my Gracie. I just don't know how a little name could get you from smiles to tears in 10 seconds flat. What makes it worse is I can't tell any of them because I don't want to scare the pregnant ones and I don't want to give anyone an excuse to think I am letting my personal life affect my professional side as I know how to seperate the two. OUCH.. it just hurts.

I miss Gracie so much everyday. Babies die.. it isn't fair.. I am just so sad over something so silly as a name. I know that Gracie is with me each and every day, but it isn't the same since she is in Heaven.. I want her here with me..it is just a name but it was my babies name.

Thanks for letting me vent my sadness..

I am glad your new job is better.  It is never fun to have to work in a job you can't stand.

I know when I hear the name Grant it takes my breath away.  It isn't a very common name but lately it seems to pop up everywhere.  It was on a sitcom the other day.  In a movie, at the mall, it seems everywhere.  All the reminders of our sweet angels. 

Sharing your sadness today,

Paula

 

Mom to Addison Paige born 11-28-2006 and adopted into our family Dec 5, 2006 and our sweet angel Grant Andrew born sleeping 10-22-2008. 

I completely understand about the name thing. I never really heard the name Lucas that much until I lost MY Lucas. I used to watch the show Private Practice and stopped watching it about March/April as there was one episode where a lady went crazy after losing her baby. I was so freaked out that I would lose my son that I stopped watching. Well I still watch Grey's Anatomy ... which comes on right before it .... and there was a preview for Private Practice. The baby that one of the dr's had was named Lucas. I just started to cry. Of all the names in the world ....really, it had to be Lucas. There was another time when DH and I were out shopping and overheard someone talking to their baby .... adorable baby.....and guess what the name was .... Lucas. I hear it all the time now. If only people did realize that babies die and that for many of us a name is not just a name. It gives us something to hold onto. I chose Lucas because of the meaning ... it was one of the top 2 choices we had but fit him so perfectly since he was going to be an angel.

BIG HUGS!!!

The name thing is tripping me up a lot lately.  I teach (in the KC area) in a large elementary school and knew when I was pregnant that I have several Andrews (my Andrew is named after my brother).  The other morning one of my students named Andrew walked by and I wanted to say hello but his name was stuck in my throat and I just couldn't get it out.  I waved instead.

 

 

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I am in the KC area as well... where abouts are you? If you don't mind me asking. Which hospital did you deliver? How was your experience with your nurses and doctors?? I am just asking since we are in the same area..

The name thing will forever be difficult for me, I think. I wish it wasn't a big deal but the lump in the throat just does it right after I hear the name..