I am so sorry for your loss of Timothy. YES, you are normal. You will go through many stages of the process and maybe for many years.. There are no rules to this game or journey we call "grief". IT SUCKS.
Let yourself go through the motions of what you are feeling. Sadness, anger, emptiness and even laughter..it is all so normal. They don't make a book or tell us how we are to feel. You are numb, lost, sad, mad.. all at the same time. This is such a terrible thing. Babies die, but not many OB's discuss that with you when you see them each month or week.. maybe they are afraid and unsure what to say.. they need to talk about the reality of our babies passing and being born still. i wish I would have known just how common this was before it happened to me. It wouldn't have changed anything, but maybe I would have written down the first of everything that Gracie did so I had memories of her today. I have a hard time looking at pregnant woman, hearing the name "Gracie" or seeing 2 year old girls. Some days are better then others. The Holiday's, anniversaries, the first of everything we will miss out on with our babies and due dates are very difficult. It is difficult when family and friends lives move on and we are still missing and longing for our babies.. it is even more difficult when they don't get why we are still sad. They forget that we lost our children and had to say goodbye. Or if they think we should move on and we haven't. People say stupid things.. they are scared to talk to us as if we have a disease. I try to remember I was once one of "those people". Unsure what to say to a family when something so terrible happened.
I lost my daughter at 40 weeks and 4 days. I was to be induced early and my doctor kept changing what she said from the visit before and next thing I know Gracie was dead. I had 2 other normal, healthy pregnancies and a miscarriage before Gracie. I was promised that if I made it to hear a heartbeat and past 12 weeks all would be great and I would have a perfect baby. Now I have a perfectly dead baby.. It was a cord accident. The cord wrapped around Gracie's ankles and she was gone.. they said it was a rare thing.. now I learn that more babies are born still then babies who die of SIDS. I DON"T GET IT. Am I mad?? HELL yes I am mad.. Do I live in anger?? NO.. it would only hurt me. Gracie wouldn't want me to be angry and sad everyday. I sure miss her every day though.
I try every day to live the best way I know how. Some days are easy, some days are hard. I try to love my son who is here with me each day and say a prayer for Gracie so she knows she is here with me too. I know that something good has to come out of this terrible loss. I just don't always know what that good is. I know that someday I will be with my daughter again..It is a roller coaster ride.
The one suggestion that I can make is surround yourself with good, loving people. Maybe seek out an organization of other families who have lost a child or baby who can relate to you and your loss. I joined a group "Compassionate Friends" and that has helped me a lot. To know that I have something in common with other people and that I am not alone. Sometimes you have to reach out for others and not depend on spouses or family to help.. it may or may not help you. You may or may not be ready for this. It really helped me.
I will keep you and Timothy in my thoughts.. again, I am so sorry that you have joined our group, but am very happy that you found us.
Susan
