Termination Due to Poor Prenatal Tests

I tried going out for the first time today. My mom went to Walmart with me so I could pick up a few things I needed. As soon as I got back in the car I started uncontolably sobbing. For the last five months everything I have done I have done pregnant and up until the last three weeks I was so excited and happy. Now when I do the things I use to do or think about them they just make me want to cry. My holidays I rented a cottage in a place that I have been going to since I was a child and normally when I am upset or sad it is a place I can go to in my mind and get a sense of calmness. Now I just remember being in the early stages of my prenancy and so happy and optimistic but still very cautious because I had lost a previous prenancy at 8 weeks almost a year ago to the date of losing Liam. Now it is so hard to think about all the positive things about the pregnancy without sadness in my heart, it all just seems so unfare.

I want to be pregnant again so bad it hurts sometimes. I do want to try again in the new year but I am also very scarred. In my conversation with my best friend last night she is very concerned about me and worried about what it will do to me if I can't get pregnant again. I told her I just couldn't think like that right now and I have to try and be positive because believing that I can get pregnant and have a full term healthy pregnancy is what is helping me get through this. I went to bed last night feeling pretty good but woke up this morning with all the fears and what ifs running through my mind. The fact that I just turned 40 two weeks ago doesn't help. I know I can't focus on my fears right now but dammit they are there.

Work has requested more information from my Doctor for my absence that has added to my stress. Today when I spoke with my councillor from the hospital she said she would be taking a family leave in the next few months every other week because her mother is terminally ill and her and her sister want to be there to take care of her. I feel so bad for her but also frustrated because now she has to pass me on to someone else and I haven't even had one appointment with her yet accept for talking on the phone. And she has been great and will talk to me for as long as I need just not very accessable. As you can tell I really need someone to talk to. I just feel so lost and don't know where to start. I know alot of it is just time but I was hoping a councillor could help me put some things into perspective and maybe help me set some goals even if they are just little ones.
Being able to write it all down and share it with others that have gone through the same thing and hearing back has also been extremely helpful. Hearing others stories help, I don't feel so alone and it helps me to think there is a light at the end of the tunnel even if I can't see it right now.

It's is awful feeling this way, you don't want to constantly burden other but sometimes the only thing that helps is talking and crying about it.

Thanks for being there,

Katie

Katie,

I am so so sorry that you are here. So sorry that you lost your precious Liam. No one should have to go thru something like this. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy!! We lost our precious Jacob at 23 weeks in May of 2004. I thought I would never stop sobbing. I remember those first few weeks were the worst. Between the guilt and other people's comments I thought I would never be able to get thru it. If I heard one more person tell me that it was for the best I thought I would clock them! When I did venture out in public it seemed that every woman I saw was pregnant. Babies didn't bother me, but seeing a pregnant woman was like having a dagger shoved thru my heart...

The pain lessens with each passing day, it never completely goes away but it subsides a little. Remember that your hormones are raging right now and not helping your emotional state. How much time are you taking off of work? I had a 4 year old to take care of so that kept my mind off of losing Jacob. Nights were the worst. I remember not sleeping well for quite sometime after. It helps to try and keep yourself busy, at least it helped me.

I still deal with the fears. I have day's when I want to start TTC again but most days I am terrified. I think that I have one child, am I just being selfish to want another when so many can't even have one. Age comes into play alot as my DH is 40 and I am 35. I wanted to be done w/ having children by the time I was 35. I am still quite bitter about things not following MY plan.

Sounds like you have a good support system and seeing a counselor is a good thing. Continue to come here even if it's just to read other's stories. It helps tremendously. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care,
Erica
Mom to 4 yr old Alex, Jacob >i< 5/23/04

Katie,

I am sorry that it is such a difficult time.   All of us on this board remember how hard the first days and weeks are after losing our babies are.   You're on the right track of writing down your thoughts and feelings.   I used to write letters to my daughter or just put my thoughts down when I was feeling really sad into a journal.   It can help so much.  

If you can get in to see a private grief counsellor that would also be really helpful.   It's nice to have someone to talk to and just run your thoughts and feelings by.   Try to find a counsellor that you feel relaxed around and can easily talk to.

If you already tried to get out of the house at this stage, you are doing really well Katie!   I remember wanting to hide under the bed covers forever.   I know this sounds strange, but I hope you feel Liam's presence around you.   He is right there beside you.   I have heard that our babies never go far from us, they are always near us and looking out for us.

As far as getting pregnant again, wait and see what has caused Liam's problems.   Sometimes, the mother's or the father's karyotype (chromosome analysis) can have something that can be transferred to a baby and cause problems, even though both parents are normal.    Liam's problem's might have been just a flukey thing that happened out of the blue.  Wait and see what the doctor's say and take it from there.   I had three kids, and then 2 m/c's and then lost my daughter all in a row.   Three losses in a row that were caused by "bad luck".   I didn't even get a period after I lost my daughter and my 4th child, a healthy son arrived 9-1/2 months later.    So, don't listen to your pessimistict (sp?) friend.  I know she's trying to protect you,  but always believe that you can have a healthy child, Ok?!  Some of us just get burned by those "odds".

Don't worry about burdening others.   There are times in our lives when we can freely give to others and there are times in our lives when we need to take from others.   This is a time when you need to take.  People right now are concerned about you and it's good for you to talk about all this.   Just put on a pot of coffee and invite a friend over who will listen.   Talking and writing will help you work through all this pain.  

 I know nothing I say is going to make you feel better, but I want you to know that I'm thinking of you and baby Liam.

Hugs,

Mary Ellen

Erica,

I understand what you mean about seeing pregnant women and babies. They seem to be everywhere on tv shows, advertisements and then when you go out. When I went out today I just swallowed my tears and kept trying to look the other way and not notice the babies and little kids and pregnant moms. As soon as I got to the car where it was private I couldn't control myself anymore.

The councillors have suggested I stay off for 4 weeks to begin with and maybe gradually go back to work and just see where I am after the 4 weeks before I rush into it. They say that losing a baby at this stage has all the same emotional effects as if you had at full term. She also feels that because I am a single mom and the struggle I have had trying to get pregnant will have a huge effect on my recovery although my support system is very good I don't have a spouse to get the support from or to even think about trying again with. The people from the fertility program have also been very supportive for all my attempts and are still very supportive now and I can call them any time. They are all very happy I want to try again, they know I am not ready yet but when I am they will all be there for me.

Your right about the hormones, my milk is coming in and when I get upset sometimes I leek. And when my emotions are at there worst it's almost as if I know it's the hormones because they are so uncontrolable.

Your very lucky to be a mom, children are a special gift. If your dream is to have more children it doesn't mean that you are selfish. You just know that you have that much more love to give and share with another child or children. Never feel selfish for wanting a child I think it is the most unselfish decision that a parent can make to have one or to try because you have to give so much of yourself.

Thanks for sharing, it really helps.

Katie

Mary Ellen,

The writing does help alot. Writing to the board, in a ledger and sometimes just to remember my concentration level is rather poor right now. There are also things I don't want to ever forget and writing them down means I can go back later and maybe get some comfort for doing it.

It doesn't sound strange to believe that Liam presence is right hear beside me. There are moments when I feel very close to him. I like to think that they never go very far from us and that they are looking out for us it is very comforting.

The Genetics councilors and Doctors have already told me that Liam's problem was just a fluke and that if I get pregnant again they is no reason to believe that there will be any problem. There will always be a higher risk because of my age(40). I need to think positive though and I do believe that my dreams will come true.

Thanks again,

Katie