Termination Due to Poor Prenatal Tests

I have never been through such a painful time in my life. I wanted to screem when they were wheeling me in to the o.r. to stop. But that would have made him suffer and would have probably torn my marraige apart.

I am consumed by guilt. I hate thinking that I'm hungry, can't find anything to wear that fits, would like to start to exercise again or even feel guilty about making plans with my other children for the summer. I'm dying of the guilt of deciding to end my son's life, even knowing he would have suffered so much after birth and probably died soon after, it was all in my hands.

We picked his ashes up from the funeral home on Saturday. I remember 2 years ago when my dad's ashes came back. I was thinking that this poor man who has suffered so long and languished in bed for 10 months had lost so much weight and yet the box I held of Wyatt's ashes seemed so light in comparison. It feels like a letter you would get in the mail. So light. It just sit's there right now. We have to decide on the proper charm/footprint or ash locket to get. I want to have a ceremony but we haven't been active in the church in so long that I feel like a hypocrite anyway. I can't fathom how God could ever forgive this sin. I can't fathom that I will ever forgive myself.

Does the pain ever go away?? I don't know that I'm really asking for a response, I guess I just need to get this off my chest. I bought a journal when I first learned he was so bad off. I started to document doctor's visits and started writing to him. My last entry he was still in my belly, kicking away and it hurts too much to open it and handwrite anything yet. I wanted to hold him so bad.

I shopped at Target today for my Goddaughter. She's turning 3 and my girls & I looked at clothes. I broke down in the infant/toddler clothing section. I'm not expecting it to go away so soon, but I have to go on. I guess having other little children who cannot care for themselves is the only thing that keeps me going.

I went for counselling on Friday & it was rediculous. They paired me up with a man who had obvious issues himself so he couldn't have possibly understood what I had been through. I couldn't talk to him about my feelings at all. He did his best to try to find me a support group to go to but nothing within 100 miles. Does anyone go to one or have you been to one. Was it helpful?

Thanks for listening.
Janine

Janine,

((((Hugs)))) to you during this difficult time! The pain never fully goes away but I can promise you that it will lessen as time goes by.

We lost our Jacob in May of 2004. My heart still aches. I still come here daily to read stories. It makes it a little easier knowing that I am not the only one suffering thru this nightmare.

I had an older child at the time we lost Jacob. He was three at the time. I don't know how I'd be today if I didn't have him to care for. I had to get out of bed for him. I would probably still be in bed to this day.

I am not a religous person but I believe that god will not give you more than you can handle. I think that what we have done is the most selfless thing a person can do. You saved Wyatt the pain and took it on yourself. Maybe god was testing you to see if you were strong enough to make that decision. I don't know. Maybe I think that way so I am able to live with the decision I made.

The one piece of advise I can give you is be careful who you tell about this. It's a very emotional topic. I am sure I have friends and family that would say I am going to hell if I chose to tell them about the decision we made. We told most that I miscarried at 23 weeks and that usually stops further questioning... People don't know how to respond to that.

Take care of yourself, let people that want to help help. I shut everyone out at first and that is not the best thing to do to yourself or your spouse. Lean on each other. He is going thru the pain just like you.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Erica

Alex 5/4/01
Jacob >i< 5/23/04