Hello! I'm new to this particular message board, but I could not pass through your post without offering you my sincere help. Please understand that what I'm about to say is not my "opinion" or what I think could happen, it's fact and 99% WILL happen exactly as I state it below.
I 100% fully, completely understand where you're coming from and I feel your pain so much, I can't even put it into words. My daughters are now 10 and 11 yrs old and I've been dealing with this since they were 1 and 2 yrs old. Please trust me that I know what I'm talking about and I mean NO personal attack on you.
The courts view child support and child visitation as TWO SEPARATE issues. They absolutely, positively DO NOT decide visitation based on whether he's paid support or not. **OPINION** If they DID do that, maybe there would be 100 times fewer deadbeat dads (or moms) and alot fewer screwed up kids caught in the middle. Back to fact: I don't know what CSE means, but I'm assuming it's a child support services center through the court that works to garnish money for you. Been there, done that.
You should know... you are a needle in a haystack. I dealt with them in California and here's how they work. Every now and then they try to track down where he works, garnish, collect, etc. If he quits his job, it takes them about 3-4 months to find him again. He has to not pay for at least 3 months before they will even entertain him being in contempt of non-payment of CS. After that 3 months is up, they'll send your case to their legal dept. for review and about 3 months later, you'll get a court date. At the court hearing, the judge will give him an opportunity to pay up. If he ends up pleading guilty, they will set another court date a month later for him to be sentenced. FACT: It will not get to that point.
If the guy even so much as pays $50 during the initial 3 months or anytime thereafter, all proceedings will stop as they will consider him "making an effort" to pay his support. The clock will then start all over again. So if he's smart and I guarantee you, he will soon catch on... he will discover that as long as he pays $50 to $100 bucks every 3 months or so, he keeps himself out of contempt and the clock starts over once again. He might even gets his license suspended, however if he even pays $1, they will release his license as him "making an effort". The courts believe that if they suspend the father's license, then he can't work, and if he can't work, then he can't pay support. They fail to however open their *bleeping* eyes to see that even WITH a license he is NOT paying his CS.
Please, please, please for your mental sake and well-being, do NOT put any, I mean ANY ounce of faith in your CS services or any private party that claims they can collect on your behalf. It won't happen.
My EX owed me almost $60,000 in arrearages, month after month after month of not paying a dime, job to job to job the minute they'd track him down and this *bleep* did not serve even one day in jail as punishment... not even to teach him a lesson. I just recently moved out of state and was somewhat forced to agree to waive all that money in exchange for me taking the kids with me.
Moving on to visitation.... he will continue to exercise his visitation. There may be times where he falls off the face of the Earth. But the minute he wants back in your child's life, you have to let him. There's nothing you can do about it. The courts also believe that the child will suffer permanent psychological damage if the BD is not involved in their lives. I literally heard this directly from a judge, sitting in his court room, listening to these words come out of his mouth. These judges (I'm convinced) have NEVER been in our situations to truly know what is in the best interest of the child. Why can I say that??? Because I'm currently dealing with an 11 yr old daughter who is so messed up in the head because of all the bologna (insert a different word here) that he's putting her through. Anyone care to take jabs at me, that I'm contributing to it? Go ahead cuz you do NOT know the beast I'm dealing with.
You cannot stand in his way of visitation because he will use it against you. The BIGGEST mistake you could ever make is to go before the visitation judge and tell him that you are withholding visitation until he starts paying. You will be condemned by the judge. Even if he hasn't paid you a dime in 6 months, you have to continue to let your child go, weekend after weekend after weekend. You have to deal with the Disneyland dad constantly trying to outdo you, turn your child against you, yet when it comes to CS, he's nowhere to be found. You'll also have to deal with him threaten to hold you in contempt of court if you fail to let him visit with the kids, even though he hasn't paid a dime. You will constantly have to deal with people attacking you that all you care about is money, whenever you try to pursue what you rightfully deserve in order to provide for your child.
You will wonder why it is that you can't quit your job, that you can't tell your kid there's no food on the table, no roof over your head, no clothes on his back because you don't have money to support him, yet his Disneyland dad can do that month after month that he fails to pay CS. You'll wonder all of this as a judge repeatedly continues your case to a future date, when the CS dept. becomes laxidaisy in handling your collection, when you realize that you're just a number. You cannot let one day go by without supporting your child and you'll soon wonder why the courts allow these deadbeat dads to.
This is going to be the hardest, most emotionally draining, exhausting journey you will have ever gone through. I can't give you any positive advice because the court systems are NOT on our side. I don't care what anyone says. I have and am currently living at the mercy of these *bleep* court systems. What keeps me going is that I have and have always had full custody of my girls, I see them everyday, I'm involved in every aspect of their life and he is not.
I'm praying that soon, they will have a voice in court and they will soon be making their own decisions. This post is NOT directed to the picture perfect stepfamilies that have wonderful working relationships with their exes. This is a guide to help you on what to expect in your future when dealing with a nasty, lowlife, piece of you know what sperm donor like mine, which it sounds like you have.
Lastly.... what the heck do you have him and/or his new wife/girlfriend whatever on your facebook for??? Take them off immediately. If they are anything like what I'm dealing with....IMMEDIATELY, and I mean IMMEDIATELY cease all avenues for them to gain access to your personal life. Please trust me!! They will try to get anything and everything, any piece of information to use against you. IE: If you posted that you had a great time last night, awesome party, what a breath of fresh air to get out of the house (for example)... you are now a party girl, unfit mother, alcoholic, drunken lush who can't take care of her kids.
If there's anything else I can answer for you, please let me know. Trust me, I've been through SOOOOOOOOO much in the last 10yrs give or take, that I'm seriously contemplating writing a book to help other young moms.
