Bio Moms

I'm new here and was going to post this on the SM/BM debate board, as it seems to get more traffic, but I'm 1) kind of hiding as I have an active current case and 2) don't want a bunch of nasty SM's telling me they have "rights".

I saw in a few postings that people have said that if SM came to a parent-teacher conference, they would have a problem with it.  SM already came to the PT conference -- she doesn't really give a darn about the kids but does it kind of as a p*ssing contest to show me she has "rights".  I nipped that in the bud -- I scheduled a separate PT-conference for just myself (my dh is involved but works and couldn't come) -- the teacher was totally OK with it -- and my ex and his wife had their own PT conference where SM had NO audience in which to act like she had all these rights, because I was not there! 

Problem is -- my daughter now has an IEP coming up.  SM came last year and it was really irritating.  She isn't loud and doesn't say much but I don't really see why she needs to, or has the right to, be there.  I have been a VERY involved mom for the kids' entire life (active as a previous room mom, volunteer in the classes, on the PTA board) -- I am also a child specialist and I am the one who figured out our daughter had problems in the first place.  BD scoffed at me for a long time until the schools and specialists agreed that yes, she had problems.  BD was peripherally involved -- he would show up for the IEP's and PT conferences, but has  never volunteered in class or driven on field trips.  The occupational therapist used to laugh because she would say hi to him and he wouldn't know who she was!  This year, I am seeking more custody, so BD is now acting like he is OH-so-involved.  SM is new in his life -- just within the past 2 years.  This woman has no children and is dumber than dirt.  She has trouble with 2nd grade math. 

OK -- maybe I'm being cruel -- SM wants to be involved and gee, the more the merrier in helping with our daughter?  Perhaps, but she is very into territory claiming and demands to be at everything.  I know she is entitled to be at graduations etc, but she is NOT my kid's mother and has no rights!  Is there a way I can say she cannot be at the IEP?  Why can't BD fill her in on what happened -- she is mostly there to irritate me and not really there because she cares so much about my daughter.

We have joint physical and legal custody. 

Frankly, I personally, would fight hard to keep SM out of an IEP conference or even a PT conference.  Can you speak to the specialists and teachers and ask that only parents be there?

I think you have a right to be irritated.  And the SM's married to the custodial dads are the worst! 

I think the specialists throw up their hands and pretty much say they need a court order to keep her out.  I haven't tried to prevent her yet, because then I'll be accused of being the evil mom who has a vendetta against SM.  I wonder if they have run into this before -- not being in special ed I'm not sure.  If I were a stranger and happened to step into someone's IEP, I'd be kicked out -- and SM is a legal stranger so it is disgusting that the system pretty much gives a stepparent these "rights" unless there is a restraining order : / 

She very much oversteps -- sends me e-mails that I ignore when dad has fingers and supposedly a brain, and is perfectly capable of e-mailing me about issues as the kids' parent.  She insists on being the contact person for Girl Scouts if it falls on "his" days, etc. -- I wish I could get a restraining order to say she is harrassing me, but I don't think that will ever happen. 

My kid's SM used to sign her name as Mom on anything she could, team rosters, school stuff, etc  Even signed up as the Softball team mom when several of the other mothers were willing.  Ugh.  She was taking kid (by herself when I didn't even know kid was sick) to dr.'s office, etc. 

Keep challenging, I say.  I did that and it was effective.  People around saw how stupid it was.  My friends laughed about the school overstepping stuff, I didn't have to say a word for her to look stupid there.  Eventually, she did drastically disengage.  So don't give up.

Wow -- disengage.  I love that word.  Yeah I hope eventually she will give up and realize I am NOT going away anytime soon and everything will be a battle that I will NOT give up.  It is reassuring to know that in your case, even with a very pushy SM, you were eventually able to get her to step back. 

She has signed as "mom" on homework pages but nothing else, so far.  As far as taking them to doc appts, I am thinking of putting something in their charts that says only parents can take the kids -- if SM wants to take the kids, she'll have to drag along her husband.  As it is, I think she is going to try to stick her nose in at doc appts - if I let BD know in advance about them, both of them will be there which will be very counterproductive. 

Luckily, people at school know that both dad and SM are nuts -- and they look stupid with their behavior.  I am thankful for that as it is good to know that sometimes people *can* see through the BS. 

It is good that eventually kids turn 18 and can then tell these stepparents to go pound sand, but until then we are stuck with them acting as if they have rights that they do not.