Bio Moms

BD is really vexing me today.

He got his driver's license revoked and SM has been doing the transport for his EOW visits. This is not a problem. The problem is that my 11 year old asked me if everything was okay, because BD said he "can't drive" and he was afraid that meant sick or injured or something. I agreed to ask and BD told me the facts of the matter.

At that point I said, "Hmm. Well, I'll let you tell him that. I'll just tell him you aren't sick or anything." I figured he had a right to explain it his own way... So today, when I told kiddo that SM was picking him up a little later than normal he asked again, "why can't he drive?" I told him to ask BD and he responded that he had, twice in fact, a BD had refused to tell him.

I may not have done the right thing here, but I am not in the habit of hiding things from my kid when not absolutely necessary and certainly not just becaus BD is embarassed. I explained as non-judgementally as I could (Dumb mistake, not bad person, not even unsafe driver) and pointed out that if BD is feeling embarassed about this, it's probably polite to just remain quiet about it.

On the one hand, I wanted to let BD tell this. On the other, I was unwilling to be forced to avoid reasonable questions from my kid because he didn't. I feel bad for going ahead and telling kiddo, but I also resent that I was in that spot to begin with. I'm really mostly irritated that the whole thing didn't get addressed and laid to rest by the person whose indiscretion it was to begin with.

Feh! It's like whatever I did I was wrong to someone. I don't like that feeling.

Ugh!  Is he a problem drinker?

My Ex loses his license with some degree of regularity.  He is an alcoholic.  The most recent time, DD was old enough to be aware that he wasn't driving.  His cover story?  He was using his truck for storage. 
Of course, my DD is not actually an idiot and realized that story made no logical sense.  "But", Ex insisted, "I AM using my truck for storage."
Yeah, duh, because you are not allowed to drive it. 

I do worry about the effect these lies have on my child.  She KNOWS she is being lied to, but doesn't really even expect to be told the truth.
From my reading on children of alcoholics, the lies and cover-ups are actually more damaging than the drinking.  It is what makes kids wonder if they can trust their own perceptions.
I am not a good person to give advice since I haven't found the spine to tell my DD the truth, but I think you should tell him.  He knows he is being lied to, and it's a fair question.  A straight answer is not too much to expect, even when you are "just a kid".

"From my reading on children of alcoholics, the lies and cover-ups are actually more damaging than the drinking. It is what makes kids wonder if they can trust their own perceptions."

Welcome to my world. I was in my 30s before I learned that I could determine that the sky was blue all by myself. Even then, that history allowed my ex (BD) to mess with my head in all kinds of ways. He knew that all he had to do was make me question my own perceptions and then tell me what he needed me to believe. And most of the time it worked!

Tell the child the truth. Your ex can pound sand if he can't be bothered to handle the situation himself.

Follow me to Bio Moms!

Not a heavy drinker at ALL, just a dope.

Here's how it goes:

BD gets ticket. Maybe 2. Speeding, rolling through stop signs, "that light looked yellow"... not GOOD driving but not drunk or high speed chases or drag racing or anything.

BD is "broke" and does not pay ticket(s).

Time passes.

BD gets hit with extra fine he cannot afford.

Time passes.

DMV slaps on another set of fines which BD now really, really can't afford.

Time passes.

DMV has Had It With This Monkey Business and pulls his license.

BD saves up to buy back his license.

If there were any hint of DUIs I wouldn't allow my child in a car with him. He's not any worse than a lot of drivers I know, it's just that he doesn't pay his fines. This has happened at least 3 times that I know of in the 20 years he's been driving.

I just hate being in the position of having to tell his business in order to avoid lying to my kid. It's not my job to explain that and I get irritated when he dumps it in my lap.