Stepmoms / Bio Moms Debate

Guys, I have a friend on another website who is going through an extremely difficult divorce. The ex is a narcissist, among other things, and her therapist mentioned that she's probably going to need the most detailed, specific settlement and CO. It's a bad situation but I don't want to go into detail because it's not my situation to discuss, y'know?

I know we've spoken on the topic of detailed COs before, but I think the posts are all over the board and I'm hoping to consolidate it here so she can refer to it in one place rather than try to just search all the topics on the board.

Any and all help you can offer will be a huge help. And if you don't want to reinvent the wheel and would rather provide links to other threads, that's cool, too. I just want the information accessible in one spot.

Thank you, thank you, thank you :)

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Kitty

The boys: Cyduck, Buster and Ricki

The girls: Solstice, Trini and Maisie

The either parent has a right to know, first and last name, who the children are around while with them (my ex told the custody evaluator that it was not my concern...he didn't want me to know because it was an invasion of HIS privacy.  Custody evaluator told him I did have that right, just like he did).

Joint legal with her having final decision making power if there is a disagreement (my ex tends to think with his wallet and doesn't use logic when it comes to decisions for the kids.  I have final decision making power, so it's all good, but it had to be put in the CO like that).

CO'd phone contact.  Make the times set if necessary.  Not that it will necessarily be upheld or anything, but it is something that makes some people more willing to let the OP speak to their children.

Detailed holiday schedule is a must.

Each parent is responsible for getting their own information from the school/doctor.  (This one made my life easier, no more trying to give him what he isn't interested in... I expect him to go to the school if he wants any information).

Who provides transportation should be in there.  Can it be a designated person or just the parents?  Is it only one parent or is it the receiving parent?

If planning to leave the area for any amount of time, notice must be given to the other parent. 

If the guy is that bad, email is the only form of communication to be used.

What the split of extra curriculars and extras will be. 

How payment of his/her portions of medical bills will be handled (mine is supposed to reimburse me, for example, instead of paying the office directly).

Have it ordered that CS be garnished from the check to make sure it is paid, in full and on time.  And to prevent any issues with handing a check over.

Puss, as you might remember, I have no parenting plan.

However, the most detailed plan I have ever read was on the S.P.A.R.C. (father's rights) website.  I just jumped over there and they now have several plans listed. 

I don't know if the plans are any good.  But they are certainly detailed.  Here's some references...

Puss these are great suggestions.

I'd add in for sure to have a ROFR clause for however CP wants to make sure the kids aren't left with someone else during the NCP's time.  But it will have to go both ways, so CP will have to be willing to comply with such a clause.  I have ROFR if my ex is gone overnight or more than 6 yours outside of work.

CO'd phone contact.  Make the times set if necessary.   I found out the hard way just how necessary this is, specifiy the # of times per week, days, whether child has access to a cell, etc.

As to the medical bills...I also have a specified # of days in which each parent is to submit copies for reimbursement and also have specifics about who is to carry the insurance policy and pay premiums, etc. and what to do in case the policy is lost.  I wish I had the presence of mind then to specifiy that only father or mother could take child to dr.

I couldn't get that CP has final say in disputes power--that's not legally enforceable here, but did put in a binding arbitration clause to cover such situations.  We determined that in case of stalemate, that the services of a pre-determined arbitrator would be used to settle disputes.  That can legally bind the couple to try to settle their disputes outside the courtroom.   IME, narcissists love the power of "going to court".

I think it's also important to have a "where the child will live and go to school" clause or "who gets to determine caregiver" clause too.  Whatever their circumstances are, you want to make sure neither parent changes the kid's school/daycare to something inappropriate.

I also wish I had known then that I would need a clause that neither parent can have a new spouse be called Mom or Dad and that only parents would be doing school communications.

Your friend may also need to specify about clothing/toys/supplies in each home, who buys what, does it go back and forth, etc.  What to do about lost items, etc.

I'ld take with a grain of salt any proposal from a fathers rights website.

1.    Medical expenses -- if your friend (YF) is going to be paying for 1/2 of out of pocket, but not insurance, but in something to adjust for any change to a high deductibel.   Possibly limit out of pocket to a $amount.   Dental (braces?).   What if disagreement as to whether braces needed. 

2,    College, graduate school.   If parents have a lot of money, no limit?   If not alot, consider limit to cost of instate state university.   Parents can always pay more if they want.    Camp, tutors, ECs. 

3.  Car and insurance

4.  Cost of wedding for kids.

5.   ROFR -- how it operates -- if a parent cant have the kids for how long, does he have to call other one.

6.   Third party PUs /Dropp offs -- love it the dads right group suggests only step parent or parent can pick up or drop off.   Puts steps in front of GPs, etc.  Mine says only parent.   Fact is, unless you limit, you may not know if NCP around.   You can always allow more if you want.

7.  If YF's X is well off, trust to insure kids inherit and not next Mrs. YF's X. 

I wouldnt even use the Dads right as a starting point -- you wont know if you miss a point.