Stepmoms / Bio Moms Debate

Ok so this is my first time posting here. But I've been reading the debates and really wanted to get some different point of views. Here is a bit of my background. I will be getting married to DH in just a few weeks now. We have been living together for over a year. We have full custody of SS5 and SS2. BM gets visitation once a week for a few hours. In the divorce papers she is supposed to have them every weekend and every holiday. However my DH made sure that in his divorce decree it stated that if he found the conditions in which the boys would be staying unsatisfactory it was his right to with hold visitation. It doesn't give terms for unsatisfactory so pretty much he can with hold visitation whenever he sees it could cause a problem. Now before every BM in the room starts cussing me up one way and down another please don't think that DH is a callous man bent on making his ex's life a living hell. It wasn't a bad divorce. It was very amicable and she signed it. She had a week to read it and never did until a year after it finalized. The reason he put this in there was for the safety of the boys. When SS5 was 18 months old a neighbor found him in the middle of the street. BM had gotten high and fallen asleep. This was the worst of it but let's just say that her behavior has warranted much concern. She doesn't like the situation that she is in but she understands it and agrees that until she gets on her feet it is what is best for the boys. She has no job, is pregnant by baby daddy number 3(she got pregnant by another man when married to my DH, baby daddy #2 was in jail by the time SS2 was born and DH decided to raise him as his own) is smoking pot, has no phone and just now got her car running.

We do everything we can to involve her in the boys' lives. We went over so she could give them candy for Halloween and yesterday she had a b-day party for SS5. Now today is actually his birthday. She wants to come over tonight to spend it with him even though she had his birthday party last night. I understand she wants to see them as much as possible but we are trying to give them some stability and does BM have the right to decide that she gets to come into our home whenever she decides it's ok to come. She didn't ask she told us. DH isn't going to allow her to come over. But I wanted an all around point of view.

Should BM be allowed in our home whenever she chooses to come?
Do we get any time to celebrate SS5 birthday as a family?

I know that it's probably not what a lot of BMs want to hear but we (Myself DH SS5 and SS2) are a family.

Should BM be allowed in our home whenever she chooses to come?
Do we get any time to celebrate SS5 birthday as a family?

No, no one gets to say when they can come in and out of your home - BUT, since it's her child's birthday, I'd let her either come over, meet her for dinner or something like that. After all, it is her child's birthday too. I don't see any harm in letting her see her child for his birthday, on his birthday.

 

"People pay for what they do, and still more, for what they have allowed themselves to become. And they pay for it simply: by the lives they lead"

 

Should BM be allowed in our home whenever she chooses to come?
Do we get any time to celebrate SS5 birthday as a family?>>

Of course not! But I would certainly allow her over if I possibly could, for the good of the children. Especially in this difficult situation. She knows she can't care properly for her children, but seems she is most interested in being involved with them. You have SS a large percentage of his life, is it such a big deal to share his birthday with her?

Should BM be allowed in our home whenever she chooses to come?

Oh yeah, of course BM should be allowed in your home whenever she wants.  In fact, you should have a key made for her in case you aren't there. 

Do we get any time to celebrate SS5 birthday as a family?

No, definitely not.  Or if you insist, you should wait until it's convenient for BM to not be around.  Although, if you give her a key, she just might move in, and then you'll really be limited, but hey, that's life. 

ETA:  Would it really kill you to allow BM over for a few hours to celebrate SS's bday?  I mean, celebrating it "as a family"... do you mean YOUR family, or SS's? Because it IS SS's day, after all.

This is not a support board.   There's one called blended family support--they like to pat the custodial stepmothers on the back over there.  They'll likely give you what you seek.

That's a crappy custody order, imo.  Family law judges in my state can and do order parents into rehabs.  A CP having that much power to withhold visitaiton is a war in the making.

You're posting in a debate forum, so contradicting yourself in your question is not really gonna get you far.  These statements of yours contradict:   

We do everything we can to involve her in the boys' lives.  AND  I understand she wants to see them as much as possible but we are trying to give them some stability.

No, you don't have to let her into your home, ever.   Are you absolutely sure you want to marry into this kind of a mess?