Stepmoms / Bio Moms Debate

The "bordering on ridiculous" thread touched on this area.  It just seems that different BMs and SMs have a different line where that "overstep" is perceived.  I do not have the same "overstep" line as my skids BM has, apparently, as I brought her dd with all of the bridesmaids to get her nails done for my wedding, and she perceived that as an overstep.  I, on the other hand, would expect for my dd to be treated like the other bridesmaids if she were in her dad's wedding.  I told my dh that I am clearly not going to be able to guess what is an overstep because I simply do not think like BM.

I am pretty open with my kids, but I am the CP, and I am not too worried about the influence of a woman who rarely sees my children.

Does your "overstepping" line change if your child is with the SM EOW in contrast to living with SM most of the time?

Possible areas mentioned--homework, how much discipline (can SM enforce house rules), driving to appointments, teacher meetings, etc.

I think the point you're missing is the fact that it's an unreasonable expectation for you to decide what is comfortable and acceptable for another human being.  Your skid's Mom is entitled to decide her own comfort level and to determine her own boundaries as regards her children and other people.  You can determine your own boundaries for you as regards BM, too.  She can't tell you, for example, that you should not feel threatened if she calls up your husband 10X each day to chat about the kids.

Does your "overstepping" line change if your child is with the SM EOW in contrast to living with SM most of the time?

I don't know for sure seeing how my kids have always lived with me most of the time. 

I think that there are just some things that should be a parents responsibility, regardless of which parent (mom or dad) has custody.  I don't see why a Cdad can't find a way to get his kids to their doctor or dentist appointments when a custodial mom (at least the ones I know) can do it while working full time (and one goes to school as well... she just doesn't sleep, I think :)...

For me: I realize that SM is there and in my kids lives.  I still don't feel she should do anything for them that I've have under control...hair cuts, doctors, school, homework.. .and I'm iffy on the discipline issue because she sees them appr. 2-4 days a month and I think dad should be doing it (not that I could do anything if SM was doing it, I just think she would be doing the kids and dad a disservice by not letting him handle his children the little he sees them).   My biggest issue with the SM I deal with is that she still occasionally likes to tell my kids they don't have to "listen" to me because I'm not there.  Some  may say "no big deal" and I believe that teaches the kids they can do whatever, whenever I'm not around... (I'm actually happy my kids let me know if this is said (not often, just has been lately) because that shows me that they know better)...

I think things are just easier when the parents handle most of the things that pertain to the kids and get occasional help when needed and not rely on their new spouse to do the majority of the work for them, be it mom or dad.

"I think the point you're missing is the fact that it's an unreasonable expectation for you to decide what is comfortable and acceptable for another human being.  Your skid's Mom is entitled to decide her own comfort level and to determine her own boundaries as regards her children and other people.  You can determine your own boundaries for you as regards BM, too.  She can't tell you, for example, that you should not feel threatened if she calls up your husband 10X each day to chat about the kids."

LOL...I am not easily threatened anyway.  In my situation, she can be as uncomfortable as she wants because I am simply not going to be able to guess when she thinks I may be overstepping, and it probably will not make much change in how things operate in our home.  I am choosing my behavior based on what is comfortable with the skids and my dh, not her.  My point in asking this question is to simply find out where other people's comfort line is. 

I think it would be informative because we all keep using these terms that every person has their own definition of (such as what is overstepping and what is parenting), and we act like they are universal and understood, when really they aren't.  I mean, we are posting "they can't be parenting my kid," and every person interprets that differently and responds based on their individual definitions.

That was the sole purpose of my question.  It wasn't really about my situation--I know and feel comfortable with my choices at this point.