Stepmoms / Bio Moms Debate

Now the son has significant learning disabilities but, he's not stupid or helpless at all. I mention this because Bm had to fight hard for him during his school years. I think that carried over into Bm fighting all of his battles for him. Which is so wrong. So anyway the son isn't able to get much info from Sm about his dad. Her story keeps changing and his dad is not able to come to the phone.  Sm's sister,  leaves two messages on his wifes cell phone that he needs to come over and see his dad before it's too late. Meanwhile Sm has been telling him that everything  will be fine and he shouldn't come.  The son and his wife think that Sm is witholding info. So, the ex wife calls Sm, several times. She asked a lot of questions about his condition, care, how he can be reached, things like that. I know she was doing this because her son is devaststated and she thought she might be able to get some info out of Sm that he wasn't able to. But I don't agree with that. Their son together is a grown man. If Sm is jerking him around this is HIS battle to fight.  Any thoughts?

----from another website

Some questions that came to me after seeing the responses were: which is the primary relationship to BF while the children are grown, it is the spouse or the grown child? Does SM have an obligation to even speak to the child ? The BM?

Discuss.

<<<which is the primary relationship to BF while the children are grown, it is the spouse or the grown child?>>>

Once a child is an adult the responsibility to "be there" for the child, and have a relationship with the child ends. The vast majority of parents will continue to have a relationship with their grown kids and will want to help them from time to time, but the actual obligation to do so has ended.

My mother doesn't reach out to communicate with me unless she wants something. It sucks, but we're both adults and that is her prerogative. There is, of course, a consequence for her lack of interest in that I may not be there when she wants something or if she decides that she now wants more of a relationship with me (or my sister...we're both equally ignored by mom).

<<<Does SM have an obligation to even speak to the child ? The BM?>>>

No and no.

I'm not sure there's a "right" answer to this question.  I know what I would do in this situation, but then, I have a good relationship with ex and his wife.  I think a lot depends on that relationship.

I would have no problem picking up the phone and calling.  If I saw my DS was distraught and bewildered and couldn't seem to get a straight answer (not necessarily his fault, either), then I would try to help get answers. 

If he were older, say, 32, I might have a different answer, but at college age, they're still not quiiiiiiiiiiiiiite there, so I'd be inclined to help.