**** M/C MENTIONED *****
Apologies in advance for how long this is. It's par for the course for me to be wordy (I try to be pithy and brief and it never works!) + it's been a while since I posted. I just wanted to start off by saying thank you so much to all the great ladies on this board. Though my grief didn't allow proper etiquette to respond to everyone's kind words after I lost Peanut, I read every single one several times. The first day after the loss, I couldn't read the responses without sobbing, they were so sweet and supportive and I felt like I didn't deserve them and just wanted to be miserable for a while. Now I go back and read them sometimes and take comfort in the fact that DH and I are not the only ones who "knew" Peanut for a brief time and were not the only ones to feel sad he is gone.
It's been 5 weeks since I found out that Peanut had no h/b and in some ways it seems like it just happened yesterday and in others seems like 5 years ago. This loss was so much harder than my first - not only was I further along but I was foolish enough to start feeling really hopeful about this pregnancy after several great betas and a perfect 8-week u/s. Emotionally and physically, the two weeks after the loss were pretty brutal. I was a weeping mess and an utter hermit, I didn't want to see anyone but DH. We cancelled plans, I felt my hormones going bonkers, I cried every time I spotted a neighbor child outside my window. Thank goodness the weather is getting colder in Boston now and the tykes have fled indoors for the most part, though I'm doing better now.
The time right after the loss was exacerbated by the fact that I had surgery planned, that excisional breast biopsy to remove an area of "concern". It was initially scheduled for October 5th, just after I should have entered the 2T. After the m/c, I moved it up to the earliest the surgeon could get me in -- I wanted it over with and whatever these cells were out of me. I had that surgery on Sept 24th, just 2 weeks after Peanut's loss. I'm glad I got it over with, but it was a very tough time. Peanut + having this other boob issue right on top of each other had me very much throwing myself a pity party of one (or maybe two, when I could drag DH down with me). It was a rip-roaring soiree, filled with wine, tears and bitterness, but we got through it.
In a bit of good news, I got the results of the biopsy a week after the surgery and for once, I got off the phone with a doctor feeling happy. They saw nothing bad on the more in-depth biopsy, not even the atypical cells they had seen initially. We're hoping the other cells were a fluke and something my body was in the process of eliminating itself. I'll have 6-month follow-up tests to confirm everything still looks good, but for now we can shelve that issue.
I had my STBY appt with my RE this past Friday morning and he was awesome, as always. He was genuinely heartbroken for us, despite the fact that the pregnancy was natural and not something for which he could take credit. He was so nice and sympathetic that I got choked up a few times while he talked about how bad things happen to good people and it's not fair but I should still have alot of hope, etc. Kind of the usual but he was so earnest about it that I just melted.
One thing he was furious about on our behalf: the mishandling of Peanut's chromosomal karyotype by my OBGYN's hospital. It came back as inconclusive, about which I was very disappointed not to have answers, but figured it happens. My RE said it was inexcusable not to have had a proper sample from a 10-week sample. He said that when he does a D&E that he spends alot of time afterwards analyzing the sample to pick a good sample. I kind of assumed they packed up and sent everything over to the lab, but he said that it's just a small sample, which should be chosen carefully. He said he'never had a failure to analyze, even on samples as small as those from a 6-week pregnancy, and that's he's never heard of something as large as a 10-week not being able to get a proper sample. Awesome, yay me, breaking records wherever I go. It was truly disappointing to hear this because I LOVE my OBGYN and trust her completely. I'm on the fence about whether to call her to speak about this, how do you tell a doctor that another doctor says they screwed up?
As far as where I am right now, I had b/w done on Friday. It shows I still have a bit of HCG in my system, coming back at 18.5. I'd like to have a saline sonogram done before any treatments but they need to wait until my HCG is negative. I'm concerned about the timing because it looks my first post-m/c AF is happening now (started on Friday) and they won't do the sonogram except in the first week after AF when your lining is thin. I'm going in for another check today and we'll see if I can get the SS later in the week or early next.
I wasn't ready to TTC again for 4 months after the first loss, and I guess I'm ready to dive in much sooner this time. But I'm not second-guessing how I feel -- bottom line, I want a baby. Initially, I had little desire to try again ever with my own eggs, but when you have full-coverage insurance and a bizarrely optimistic RE, things can get persuasive. In a perfect world (i.e. one where I was 25 with perfect ovarian function), I'd take off some more time and learn to quilt, take some zoomba classes and make homemade granola to heal my soul. But I don't have that luxury and, actually, right now I want to dive in and move on. I think it's mostly that I want to put this chapter of my life behind me, and I just want to check my own eggs off the checklist and go 100% committed into DE next spring.
I'm very, very scared to get pregnant with my own eggs, which is a pretty crappy way to enter into IVF, but there you have it. It's become apparent that I can get pregnant, just not with a healthy egg. I don't have much hope for a healthy bean out of these upcoming IVFs, I just want to rule out a couple of cycles and be able to move on to DE without wondering if I gave my own eggs enough of a shot. Hopefully I can stay kind of zen during the IVF cycles, since I'm telling myself it's just an exercise, but we all know you get sucked in during all the test and procedures.
Even thought I haven't been commenting, I've been reading the boards occasionally and rooting all of you guys on from the sidelines. I can't say I'm happy to be here again but at least if I have to be, it means I get to hang out with some rockin' ladies again.
| My blog: http://peanutnoodle.blogspot.com |
| Age: 38, DH: 39 |
| TTC since January 2007 |
| DX in 2003 with Graves disease, RAI treatment 7/03, now managed hypothyroid. |
| DX with Stage IV endo in 12/07, laprascopy 2/08. |
| IUI #1 (Clomid) 9/08 - BFP. Lost at 6w3d, D&E in 12/08. |
| Hysteroscopy in 2/09 to remove polyps. |
| IUI #2 (Injectables) 3/09 - BFN |
| IUI #3 (Injectables) 4/09 - BFN |
| IUI #3 (Injectables) 5/09 - BFN |
| IVF #1 (EPP Antagonist Protocol) 6/09. 15 days of high stimming, just one follie. Egg retrieved, beautiful HIP 8-cell, grade 1 embie at 3-day transfer. BFN |
| BFP July 2009 - a shocker of a natural pregnancy. Great betas, perfect 8-week u/s. At first OB appt on 9/9/09, found out there was no longer a h/b. D&E on 9/11/09. Chromosomal analysis inconclusive, assuming chromosomal issues again. |
| Excisional breast biopsy for atypical hyperplastic cells found on earlier biopsy - 9/24/09. Results negative (the good kind of negative). |
| Next up: |
| Post-m/c Saline Sonogram. |
| November 2009 IVF #2 - EPP Protocol again, swapping 450 Gonal-f/150 Menopur for 300/300, along with requisite Ganirelix. |
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