I'm "out" to all the people in my life that really matter (immediate family on both sides and close freinds), have been since we started IVF, and it makes things much easier. It helps if you know and believe (2 different things sometimes) that the feelings you have about infertility are 100% normal and there is no reason to feel embarrassed or ashamed about them. It also helps if you can be assertive, as your freind ivorygirl suggests. It's OK to talk about what you want to, not talk about what you don't want to, and it's not only OK but very helpful to both of you to tell people when they say things that upset you...with kindness, tact and lack of blame of course. I think it also helps to rememeber that when people close to you say these things that upset, 95% of the time they just don't realize it is upsetting to to you...gentle education helps you both. It's not always easy to do at the time if you are upset, but you can always discuss it with them later. I can say without exception that whenever I have asked friends or family not to say certain things, or gently let them know what I want and need from them, that it has made things better.
For example, earlier on in my process I had told a friend we were trying and when I talked to her on the phone she asked if I was pregnant yet. I said that I know she means well and is just trying to show interest in my life, but that failed cycles are very disappointing and being reminded of it makes it worse, and I'd prefer if she not ask about it— that when I wanted to talk about it I would bring it up. I have also told others close to me just in general, that I don't want to be asked about IF- that if I wanted to talk about it I would bring it up. Sometimes I am feeling fragile or may be in a social situation where I have my defenses up and don't want to be reminded at that time...it can feel like an emotional assault to have those wounds prodded when you are not prepared. This has also been very helpful.
One thing I think is important is that if you are telling someone but don't want "the whole world" to know to make very clear that this is being told in confidence and that you expect them to respect the trust you put in them. If there are other people close to you that know that they know, it is helpful to tell them who it is OK to talk about with.
Having family and friends know what is going on with us has made it much easier to deal with life. I think it is important to my emotional health to avoid certain events, such as baby showers, baby namings...explaining why lets my loved ones know that it is not because I don't care about them, but emotional self-preservation. I've let my parents and in-laws know that I not only will I not attend these events, but to please leave me off email and picture lists for the events, which are also painful to see. After our losses, celebrating Mother's Day or Father's Day is out of the question for me. Not only do I not attend the family dinners for these, after we lost our boy at 16 weeks, I also asked that the words Mother's Day and Father's Day not even be mentioned in my presence. I do other things to let them know I care of course...while I couldn't bear the m-day and f-day holidays this year, I hosted a "Parent's Appreciation Dinner at our home for my parents and in-laws to let them know how much they were loved and valued. My MIL cried she was so touched...apparently none of her children had ever had them over for dinner at their house before. While I know my presence was missed at these events, I also know they understand at least well enough that it's OK and doesn't create resentment, and other ways of expressing appreciation and caring may end up be even more meaningful.
I do what I am able to do when I am ready to do it, and that is perfectly OK. For all of us.
It's good to have boundaries. It's good to ask to be treated how you want to be treated. It's good to be assertive, yet tactful. These things are good for you and for your relationships. But these things can only really be done if you communicate about what is going on.
IF is difficult, but I think keeping it all inside and having those you care about unintentionally and constantly rub salt in your wounds because they don't know any better makes it infinitely worse.
Ok, speaking of emotional self-care, I need to go to my Life After Loss support group now. Have a great evening, all.
- Jenna, 41, DH 38 TTC since September '06 with MFI. 3 failed unmedicated IUI's with DH sperm, 1 failed IUI with injects with DH sperm, IVF #1 BFN, FET BFP but M/c week 5, IVF#2 BFP m/c week 7, IUI with injects and donor sperm: probable chemical pg. 1 failed unmedicated DS/IUI. Started BCP's 7/30 for IVF #3, ER 9/10, ET 9/15, Beta 9/24 results 9/25. BFP, Twins. Lost 1st twin at 9-10 weeks, lost second twin at 16 weeks 12/17/08. Attempted IUI #4 converted to DS/DH IUI April 09 at my request, BFP and M/c. IVF #4 June 09 BFN. DS-IUI w/injects 7/6/09, BFN. Hysteroscopic myomectomy to remove fibroid 7/29/09. IUI 10/09, BFP and M/C.
