Sorry I've been away so long! My new job is very demanding.
First, I want to say that T is not like other men. He's the most selfless person I've ever met. He always puts my needs first. He does all of the cooking, even though he's a grad student, and keeps up with his share of the laundry and dishes. Last week I left some papers I needed for work at home, and he went a half-hour out of his way to deliver them to me, making him late for school! He has also heard that couples grow apart when the woman changes her life for a new baby and sees her husband doing nothing differently. He really wants to be involved with childrearing, so we can experience it together.
So here's where I am now: 35 is the limit for me. I just don't want to risk anything after that age. Even miscarriage and birth defects aside, a healthy pregnancy is harder on your body. Childbirth is longer, more painful, more difficult, and harder to recover from. (If you've already had children, subsequent births over age 35 may be easier, but I'm talking about having your first.)
The more I think about it, the more I want to go to grad school. It wasn't even on my radar until T started, and now I see that that's what I want to do. I have a great desk job now...but it's still a desk job. In any desk job you have to cut yourself off completely from your body and emotions, and then what - turn it back on at 5? I can't stand being a lifeless little brain in a box. I need to be fully alive. I'm not getting anywhere trying to act after the day job is done, except further down the fundraising career track. Success doesn't matter to me, as long as I'm acting. Even teaching would be better than this.
Anyway - I've missed deadlines for next fall. I can apply next year, go the following fall at age 29, and graduate with an MFA at the age of 31. If I got pregnant right away, that would give me my first child at 32. That would, of course, disrupt any momentum I'd have coming out of grad school, so waiting even longer might be better. I also don't want to change more than one pair of diapers at a time, so I'd wait until a few years for the next one, getting me closer to, or past, 35. T and I want to have at least one together, but the kids after that can be adopted, so maybe we'd just have one and then start adopting. I would MUCH rather, though, start before 30. Ack.
There's another option. Crazy, but it gets me excited. I could get pregnant after the wedding at the end of the summer, have the baby in the spring, and start grad school the following fall. This way I wouldn't be pregnant during grad school (acting programs are extremely physically demanding). Of course, I'd have a small baby instead, which could be harder, but it's not as if staying home was ever going to be, or ever will be, an option. I'd be away all day regardless. Why not doing something I love? And T wants to be home as much as he can be to help out with kids whenever we have them. He's a pretty modern guy.
T says it's my decision and he'll do all he can to support me whatever I decide. As an acting grad student, though, he doesn't think it's a good idea. He's damn supportive, nonetheless. Where'd I find this guy? He's so awesome.
Am I crazy?
