Okay <sigh> My DS is 12 until his bday in May - unless someone strangles him sooner LOL!!! JUST KIDDING
He has ADHD (mega doses of multiple meds), 'mild' sleep apnea (pretty much untreated), and a gifted IQ (which means nothing if he doesn't function right in life) with LD in written language (poorly handled at school IMHO) and lots of 'executive disfunction' issues (the stuff of insanity!)
So, all these labels are a problem I think because every person stirring the pot has a personal opinion about how to attribute behaviors (or lack thereof) which effects the 'motivation' behind them and therefore effects the way to 'treat/modify/consequence/punish' these behaviors.
I wanna know where the line is between being a boy with ""a gifted IQ, which I'm told naturally means poor handwriting and less attention to 'tasky' details"", and ADHD/LD issues which also have characteristics like that. The problem comes up several times each week for us because if teachers think it's the former, then he's 'not bothering to try hard enough' and gets negative consequences.
The ones who think it's the later get frustrated with the vast difference between one subject's/day's work and another and start to take it personally if he is inconsistent (isn't that one of the ADHD hallmarks?).
Either way, most of the time my DS winds up frustrated/angry and having to try to find some way to 'prove' that he is actually doing his best. (BTW, if anyone has found a way to measure and prove whether someone is 'self-motivated' and putting forth their 'best effort' LET ME IN ON THE SECRET!)
I never know anymore which camp to join. There are times when I feel strongly that he's actually having a good couple weeks and then I find out he's lied to me about something that occured or 'why' he's done/not done something a certain way. At that point I generally lose it because I HATE to be lied to and I view dishonesty as a conscious decision. BUT a couple people have pointed out to me that what I view as 'lies' is often more of an 'impulsive' grab at any response in the face of a stressful situation. - another ADHD thing? GRRRRRR
I don't want to be a mean mom but I also don't want to be an enabling or helicopter mom. Overall, I feel like his crap (sorry for lack of a better all-inclusive term) pretty much drives the tone of everyday and moment of our lives and I'm sick of it. I have no clue how to split the 'school' issues from the 'home' issues because often they overlap so much. "Not finding/doing/or turning in homework" equates to "not keeping stuff in place at home/not remembering to do chores at home". (YES, even with multiple methods of reminders for homework and chores he still leaves things undone and claims he 'forgot or ran out of time'. How do you forget something that you've been told to do? When you know you are forgetful, either you go do it right then or you're choosing not to do or to wait till later it and deciding to risk 'forgetting' - THAT's a choice isn't it?
So, I have no idea anymore how to address anything. Some teachers are comfortable saying they want him off his IEP because they see no difference between him and any other 'highly gifted boy' so he no longer qualifies for the 'educational need' part of the three year re-eval. (His IEP is based on the written language LD and according to them he can't have an OHI for the degree of ADHD stuff so the only other choice is a 504 for the ADHD) Other's (myself included) know that he hasn't had a single composition assignment that wasn't 'reader response' yet this year and that those assignments are when his LD type of 'discrepencies' really come into play in a major way.
When I'm not mad at him, I see someone who generally does the best he can to be organized, but resents that it requires so much extra effort 24/7/365 then it seems to for others. (Honestly, it's like watching someone who's constantly dieting and trying to follow a strict plan who gets tired/frustrated of trying to keep with the system, has small oops's that add up, feels like a failure, says 'what's the use anyway', and lets it fall all apart - or something like that.) I see someone who has drastic likes and dislikes and allows that to color his response to situations (supposedly the 'tempermental expremes' part of ADHD?). I see someone who feels stupid much of the time because he can't/doesn't (not sure which) make his finished school products match the level that he sees in his head and level the teachers expect from someone with his skills/abilities. (THat runs the range from -Writing compositions from scratch to he still doesn't color neatly enough for them - in 7th accelerated science class they're coloring in very detailed pictures of organelles and he's spending hours/has a cramped hand/gotten very frustrated etc and already feels like it will get the "messy" label written on it. Or... does he just 'hate' the assignment so he's being difficult about it?)
See, I don't know which way is up anymore. ANY ideas on how to straighten any of this out?
No *brilliant* ideas, sorry, because I know what you mean about the whole what-causes-what stuff. I guess my feeling is, it doesn't really matter what the causes are, it matters more what works to fix the issue (and, yes, clearly knowing the cause first would make that simpler, wouldn't it?).
I do agree that the lying can be a quick-bad-reaction thing (impulsiveness with ADHD). I've seen it occasionally.
What works *for us* on remembering everything: Every school day, he has to make a list of all the homework & things he has to do. This includes instrument practice, it includes chores if he has to get them done that day, *EVERYTHING*. I make him look at his agenda to know he has everything from that, at least, and yes, I do double check on occasion (when we started this, one of us *always* double-checked). He then crosses things off as he is done. This has taken a bunch of the nagging parts away from us, thank goodness, and allows HIM to see what all he needs to do.
Your bit about "do it now, or risk forgetting" is good, but why are those the only choices? Why isn't "write myself a reminder" one? I mean, if I had to do everything at my work on the "do it now, or risk forgetting" basis, I'd never, ever succeed. So, I figure, teach them the organizational skills needed. My kid is getting organizational techniques & stuff like that that my spouse & I did when we were in college, but why not? He does LOTS more than we ever did in 7th grade.
I'd keep arguing the IEP, especially if they simply haven't gotten to those assignments yet. Though 504's can be powerful. I'd get something written in there about the coloring assignments--can't those be modified? Ooooo...have a scanner? Can you scan 'em in & he can color in on the computer or something? Our color-for-science doesn't seem to take my kid that long, but I'll tell you, if my kid were working *that* long on something like that, I'd be asking for modifications.
Wish I had some perfect advice, I struggle with the same thing, when do you make changes/fight for changes, vs. when do you need to change the kid? When it gets too friction-y, I try to change the parameters--find the "other" choice, that kind of thing.
The problem with your whole discussion is that you believe your child is CHOOSING to be disorganized, forgetful and impulsive. Your child HAS ADHD, LD's and Executive Dysfunctions. These are not choices, these are disabilities. Saying <<How do you forget something that you've been told to do?>> to someone with ADHD and Executive Dysfunction, is the equivalent of saying why doesn't Stephen Hawking sit up straight and quit mumbling. HE CAN'T. Equally, the reason your son forgets what he has been told to do and the reason that he doesn't do it right then, is because HE CAN'T.
He is missing a neurotransmitter. He has a short circuit in his brain. HE CAN'T.
This dysfunction stems from an INABILITY to inhibit behavior so that demands for the future can be met. The ability to inhibit (“putting on the brakes”) is central to effective executive function. Successful execution of a plan largely involves putting brakes on distracting activities. These brakes--courtesy of our pre-frontal inhibitory centers--allow us the luxury of time during which we can consider our options before reacting.
This lack of inhibition is a double problem for people with ADHD. First, without these brakes, they are unable to adequately inhibit distractions, inhibit impulsive reactions, or inhibit physically acting upon these stimuli (hyperactivity). Second, patients with ADHD do not inhibit their behavior long enough for the other executive functions--below--to adequately develop either. --(Self-talk, Working memory, Foresight, Sense of time, Transitioning--i.e. pulling yourself out of one activity and switching to another, & Separating emotion from fact)--
ADHD behaviors make sense once we realize that they are based on reactions taking only the present moment into account. It is not that Johnny doesn’t care about the future; it is that the future and the past don’t even exist. Such is the nature of the disability. By way of analogy, imagine riding down a river with a leaking canoe. You would be so overwhelmed by the need to bail out water that you would not see the upcoming cliff. It's not that you don't "care" about falling over a cliff--it's that you don't even get to consider it. If you want to make sense out of inexplicable behaviors by someone with ADHD, just ask yourself: “What behavior makes sense if you only had 4 seconds left to live?” For example, if you only had 4 seconds to live, it would make sense to lie in order to expediently get out of a problem. After all, who cares about a future reputation when there is no future?!”
In order for your son to handle his disability, he must learn coping mechanisms, and he must receive medical and physical help. It did not matter how smart Christy Brown was; until he learned how to type with his LEFT FOOT, he didn't get any homework done!
