Hi everyone. I'm new here. Haven't been on ivillage for years but thought of this first when I was at my wits end. I don't want to talk to anyone I know because I want completely objective opinions.
My BF and I are both divorced. I have older kids who share time between their father and I(18,17 and 15). My BF has shared custody of his 4 year old and 8 year old, having them every other week.
We have moved very slowly in this relationship, trying to introduce things to the kids at a pace comfortable for them - we spent time together as friends, very slowly introduced the affection into our time together and slept apart even when on vacation with them. We agreed on the pace and made it through what seemed like some very long roads to get to a comfortable place for all of us. If we did have sleepovers the kids initiated it and I "camped out" in the living room with them.
That was just a little history on how we have handled things up til this last month. There were some parenting things I disagreed with but as they are his kids I rarely spoke up. If I did speak up, I gently presented my opinion and it usually ended with BF saying "Don't worry about it. They're my kids and I'll handle it".
This is now becoming a problem. About a month ago the kids started asking me to stay all night, every night. They seem to be comfortable with this and even got hurt feelings the one night I said I was going to stay at my house to do some chores. We are, I guess, unofficially living together at this point. Now, for the problems with this. One , his four year old refuses to go to bed or stay in her own bed. BF goes to bed with her and stays there until she is sound asleep. Sometimes this is an hour and sometimes it is most of the night as he will fall asleep too. When he does come to bed his 4 yr old always ends up waking us up to get in bed with us. I should probably point out this isn't a reaction to me being there. This has been happening for a long, long time. She says she is scared so I gave her some "monster away"(water in a bottle) to protect her and help her feel empowered. She liked this idea, but it didn't keep her in her own bed. My biggest problem with this is she doesn't need to go to bed alone or stay there because her Dad doesn't even try to make her.
That falls in line with the crux of the problem. He says the kids come first period, always, 24/7. What we eat, where we go, what we do with our time - all dictated by the kids. He says his kids will be happy every moment he has anything to say about it. Now, I want the kids to be happy and there are times I am ok with saying "what did you want to do?" and giving them some say. However, this is extreme. The kids run the house and control their father. He says he is just being a good Dad and makes me feel guilty if I try to discuss any of this.
Another quick example and please forgive the length of this. I have been holding this in for a long time. BF wants me to be open and honest with him about the good and the bad - if I'm upset, he wants me to talk to him. Had a situation where because he had the kids I stayed home and didn't take my bad mood or need to talk to him. He got upset and said that offended him and I need to know he is always there for me.
So, my teen daughter has me beside myself and in tears. I calm the tears but decide venting to him for a few minutes may help. Went to his house, visited with the kids about their day and asked him if we could go outside and talk for a few. He caught my mood and said yes. 8 yr old asked to go out and I asked if it was ok if dad and I had a few minutes together? He pouted but said ok. Not three minutes into the talk my BF started to go in the house. I asked why and he said "To get my son. He is put out that he can't be out here too and I'm not having that."
Am I selfish to believe that it is acceptable, even with children, to sometimes have 5 or 10 minutes to yourself? Is it selfish to think it is wrong that the children dictate every moment and are always allowed to be by our side even if we would like 5 minutes to talk?
what you are describing is a 'dinsey dad' somone who doesnt get to be a full time parent so he feels guilty, and tries to make up for it by being what he consideres to be the best he can be 24/7.
but its really NOT. Its making his kids into BRATS... when they are teeagers.. oohhhh...
ask me how I know.
GIVE ME MONEY! IS THAT ALL I GOT FOR CHRISTMAS? YOU DONT LOVE ME! I WANT CHICKEN FOR DINNER !! TAKE ME TO THE MALLNOWWWWW SO WHAT IF YOU JUST GOT OFF A 13 HOURSHIFT OF WORK! I DONT CAAARRE THAT ITS HER BIRTHDAY I DONT WANT TO GO TO RED LOBSTER I WANT TO GO TO PIZZA HUT!
My step kids did the SAME THING with the co sleeping, waking all night, etc. it was a POWER TRIP!! and dad thought he was being a great parent by doing it!! His dd LOVED ruiining our time together! shed ruin any special plans she COULD!
well when it started stalling our sex life totaly.... he started THINKING ABOUT IT MORE
its still an issue but COUNSELING WAS THE ANSWER.
no its NOT healthy for KIDS to control everything. you give kids 2 options for dinner when YOU choose to ALLOW kids to have the choice to pick..... etc. You say hey. this weekend you guys get to decide where we will go... the park or the movies!!! Its bed time GET IN YOUR BED PERIOD!!! daddy will tuck you in and youll be fine. ni night
it may be a good time for suggesting counseling and saying that 'our parenting techniqus are very different and maybe we need to look into a way to mmix them so we dont run into issues that can hurt our kids later on down the road... I think a professinal would be the best way to help us do this... an outside opinion. no right or wrong way...my way or your way. ok??
Oh my I am SOOO glad I saw this posting! I too am feeling the same way.
First my background. BF and I been together just short of 2 yrs, living together for 9 months. I have two children (ages 13 and 17) who are with us about 75% of the time and he has a younger son (age 7) with us every other weekend and a few nights during the week here and there.
My issue sounds quite a bit like yours. I and my ex have always had pretty strict rules with my kids. We decide what is going to happen, when and that's that. They are the children and they go along with it or else. None of this "what do YOU want"? all the time. Of course there are appropriate times like birthday gifts, treats etc where you get their input but not every single life decision decided by the child.
Now when my BF's son comes over he reigns...over the course of a weekend I get SOOOO sick of hearing him ask "what do you want?" or telling him "whatever you want". UGH makes me crazy. My kids notice it and get po'd at me because his son will eat whatever, do whatever and basically rule while I'm making them follow the rules. Understandably he 7 and mine are much older but you have to instill rules at 7 not tell them they can have/do whatever they want just because maybe he's feeling divorced dad guilt.
Then (Sorry I think I am venting now too) when his son is here the tone of my relationship with BF becomes strained and awful. Partly because I guess I get jealous or resentful of all this junk and react. AND he definitely acts different when his son is around. Normally he's very loving, sweet, attentive. When his son is around I can't get the time of day out of him. I just chalk it up to he's using all his energy catering to his kid that he doens't have any energy left for me. BUT that too get me mad and makes me resentful that as soon as his kid leaves Monday morning he's loving and sweet to me again.
I have tried lovingly pointing out some of this to BF. He acknowledges some of what he does but he doesn't change (or at least for very long). I love him and want this to work but I don't know how to make it work if he can't see that soem of what he does is stupid and some is hurtful.
Would love some advice ladies who are living this same situation. THis weekend the son will be here and I just want to get through it without pulling my hair out.
this 'blending' of families is REALLY the hardest thing Ive EVER DONE! Ive been married for 7 years now, and this sort of thing still happens, and I'm probably guilty of it too at times, even tho I try not to.
I'd like to say I DON'T because I am the 'strict' parent, and I say 'no' a lot more than dh does. But I'm sure I probably do my share of wrong as a step parent as well.
dh also goes WAYYY overboard when his kids come to visit, and he also seem to not be able to dicipline them at all. He sure can find it in himself to make MINE follow the 'house rules' though! but I think thats because I back him up and his ex will always pitch a fit, stir up a ruckus, and scream at him if her kids call home ( and they do) to bawl that they got put in time out, got grounded, etc for misbehaving.
I just got SO SICK of feeling all that stress whenever my step kids came to visit, so sick of my kids getting angry saying 'OOHH IF WEEE DID THAT WE'D BE IN TROUUBBLLE!!' ( and they were right) sick of arguing over dh letting his kids break the house rules we'd discussed YET AGAIN before they arrived, ( hed bennnnnd the rules or he'd claim it was a 'grey' area... or say he was sorry, it wouldnt happen again...)
so Id spend a huge amt of time AWAY during the s-kids visits, Id spend a lot of time in my bedroom, watching tv, Id spend quality time alone with my kids etc. If his kids would ask me if they could have something id say "go ask your dad'. if theyd come tattle .Id say "I dont care. go tell your dad". if they got hurt fighting. Id say i dont want to hear it go tell your dad. i wouldnt even do their laundry. I dont go with dh on the 20 hour round trip drive to pick them up either.
Im not as angry about it anymore. I just came to the realization that this is just how my husband IS. hes a different kind of PARENT and his kids have been RAISED to act this way, and they LIVE with a mother who ALLOWS thm to go hog bleep wild 300 days a year. I also had to accept that IM NOT their parent, and the kids and their mother dont want me to act as one either. Ive been in their lives since they were 3 and 5 so Im a big part of them, but im not RAISING them.
If I were, they'd be very different kiddos. I just don't want them to cause issues in a good marriage. Its very hard not to let it happen, and so far this is what is working best for US. It may not work for everyone and it may only work for a while for us. ; )
I haven't read any other responses, but first NO you are not being selfish. Second, the children shoud NOT run the show. Third, I'm a firm believer that the relationship comes first (not at the expense of the kids, but I do believe you have to start at the top as to have a strong, stable, and loving home), Fourth, it won't change and it will only get worse as these kids get older, Fifth, this is where you might (maybe lower) fall in importance if you stay in this relationship and/or BF doesn't see the light.
I've been there...one BF was like yours....it didn't last. My DH WAS like that but realized that he needed to be a parent not a friend and that he wanted a long term relationship. I have a friend, like you, with older children dating a man with a much younger one. SAME THING. She makes every excuse in the world for why he's doing right now what he is doing (child is 5) and thinks it will change. She's not happy with the situation but 'is in love".
What we eat, where we go, what we do with our time - all dictated by the kids. He says his kids will be happy every moment he has anything to say about it. Now, I want the kids to be happy and there are times I am ok with saying "what did you want to do?" and giving them some say. However, this is extreme. The kids run the house and control their father. He says he is just being a good Dad and makes me feel guilty if I try to discuss any of this.
If this man wants to raise his kids this way, it is his business. However, if he wants to build a relationship as well, he needs to learn that that takes priority at times as well. I suggest you reevaluate if this is how you want to live...if not, move on...don't let yourself be made to feel guilty because you don't believe in the same parenting style as this man and want someone to have a REAL relationship with.
