Stepfamilies & Divorce

I haven't read any other responses, but first NO you are not being selfish.  Second, the children shoud NOT run the show.  Third, I'm a firm believer that the relationship comes first (not at the expense of the kids, but I do believe you have to start at the top as to have a strong, stable, and loving home), Fourth, it won't change and it will only get worse as these kids get older, Fifth, this is where you might (maybe lower) fall in importance if you stay in this relationship and/or BF doesn't see the light.

I've been there...one BF was like yours....it didn't last.  My DH WAS like that but realized that he needed to be a parent not a friend and that he wanted a long term relationship.  I have a friend, like you, with older children dating a man with a much younger one.  SAME THING.  She makes every excuse in the world for why he's doing right now what he is doing (child is 5) and thinks it will change.  She's not happy with the situation but 'is in love". 

What we eat, where we go, what we do with our time - all dictated by the kids.  He says his kids will be happy every moment he has anything to say about it.  Now, I want the kids to be happy and there are times I am ok with saying "what did you want to do?" and giving them some say.  However, this is extreme.  The kids run the house and control their father.  He says he is just being a good Dad and makes me feel guilty if I try to discuss any of this.

If this man wants to raise his kids this way, it is his business.  However, if he wants to build a relationship as well, he needs to learn that that takes priority at times as well.  I suggest you reevaluate if this is how you want to live...if not, move on...don't let yourself be made to feel guilty because you don't believe in the same parenting style as this man and want someone to have a REAL relationship with.

Hello ladies.  I haven't had an opportunity to respond since my original post but I do appreciate all of your responses.  It helped knowing this is not an abnormal situation, even though it sure isn't a healthy one.  Now, i'll try to respond to a few things...the responses are to various posts above.

Re: Counseling - Won't happen.  He says they are his kids and there is no need for me to worry about it - we don't need to agree because  it will be his way

Re:  May need to consider moving on - unfortunately, much as I do love this man and can see why he is in this place with his kids right now, it just may come to that

A bit of an update.  We have had two conversations that are taking away my hope for being able to make this work.  I tried to talk to him about being in the home full time but having no voice or say in anything.  His response?  You are coming into a ready made home and family and it's up to you to adapt - I don't see what the problem is anyway.

Conversation in regards to the kids - he noticed my reaction on a couple of things that happened so I told him when he brought it up that he needed to actually parent the kids.  That it wasn't healthy for them to have no boundaries and one day there would likely be real trouble - as in, if this is still happening when they are teens, watch out!  His response?  Two part - First, a simple "I will not be a dictator to my kids!"  I pursued that a bit and his bottom line?  So what, if there are problems later I'll deal with them  but my kids will be happy now. 

I love him and want this to work, especially when I think about the kids.  We actually had a couple days when I was upset about these issues that we didn't speak.  He got the kids back during that time and when they asked when they could see me he told them we weren't getting along and it broke their hearts!  First off, I told him I would see the kids whether we're together or not unless he objects to that which he didn't(of course, whatever the kids want).  Second, this told me that regardless of the problems and some obvious jealousy issues, they do like me in their lives and I really don't want to be the one responsible for bringing another loss into their world.  Sometimes I almost think BF realizes this and knows it gives him more control???  I don't know....I just know this stinks and I'm sorry for all who are going or have gone through it!!!

It makes it hard for you to be put in the place of being the one to have to make the decision to 'make it or break it'. And I think BF knows that.

Maybe the easier way would be to  take the relationship 'down a notch' and either take a break from it for a certain period of time to 're-evaluate' the priorities in both of your lives....

or only see each other when it is just the 2 of you, and include the kids maybe once a month for a 'family date'

Then if bf makes plans with you and breaks them or stands you up more than 3 times in the first month ( or however many times you decide is enough for you... decide AHEAD of time what you are worth...) then it's over.

Sometimes getting a little more breathing space makes the relationship more valuable to both of you and puts priories in their place.

bf might realize that his kids will be JUST FINE being told "NO tonight is daddys night to go on a date. Nextweekend is YOUR weekend.

Or he may be totaly fine always standing you up because the kids suddenly decide they want to go to a movie instead.

and only YOU can decide if thats what you deserve for the rest of your life...

shaving your legs for THAT.

Best of luck hun.

This man is confused about what "putting the kids first" really means.

Sometimes putting them first means letting them learn that they don't die of the hurt fee-fees when someone else need's dad's attention. Sometimes it means letting them learn that we take turns choosing what's for dinner. Sometimes it means showing them that having a partner means taking care of that partner and that relationship so that they can grow up to have healthy, happy relationships of their own someday.

This man is not ready to make you a priority in his life. I'm not saying you should outrank the kids, just that if he wants kids AND a girlfriend, there have to be moments that the girlfriend's needs come before the kid's WANTS. A sulky 8 year old who doesn't want to be inside is not having a need neglected. He's being taught that his whims are not always paramount. Your BF is hurting his kids with this behavior, not helping.

DH and I sometimes go to the store/to our room/outside and exclude my son so we can have some private time to talk. I learned this behavior from my parents who are celebrating 40 years of happy marriage this Spring. That's a good enough recommendation for me.