Stepfamilies & Divorce

dealing with a new  girlfriend/boyfriend is always a really difficult thing for the kids.

USUALY its worse for the GIRLS dealing with DADS new girlfriend!! Kudos to you for getting your son into counseling. I really think thats the first important step!!!  When my dh and I first moved in together,  all of our kids had issues  about the ' changes' and acted out about it in different ways... refusing to go to sleep, claiming I or Chris was 'mean' or 'crazy' or if we drank a glass of wine they exxagerated it to be that we got DRUUUNNNKK etc.

we tried but failed to get on the same page with our ex's ( we dont have good exs like you seem to have lol) so if you DO try to work with him and his new gf!!! work on a LOCKED DOOR POLICY and a new word.. PRICAVYCY!! daddy gives ds his bath and ds has private parts and daddy and gf have private times and this will be time to talk and have quiet alone time when ds goes to sleep. If he needs daddy all he has to do is knock or call out and daddy will say " what do you need?" and go from there. ( we had to have a lesson in the boy who c ried wolf.... and a lesson in a closed door has a reaon.... if YOU are naked in the  bathroom, you dont want gf opening the door right? we will also respect a closed door by knocking first, asking ' WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE? then comming in. ps a kid doesnt get the right to lock a door. soo soorryyy charlie lol.

if you and your ex have open discussions IN FRONT OF DS at the end of each visit... sort of a kid swap convo... "hey we had dinner, and joh got mad at me because I  kissed april during dessert, then he hit me and got put in time out for hitting." then you sort of know what to expect from your son on the ride home... HIS story may have been.... DAD IGNORED ME AND MADE OUT WITH HIS GF ALL NNIGHT THEN PUT ME IN TIMEOOUT WHEN I ASKED HIM TO WATCH A MOVIE WITH ME!!

It can open a lot of good conversation tho... "I bet you were upset to watch your dad kissing somone else instead of mom huh?"  or 'did it hurt your feelings that dad paid attention to april instead of you?   dont you think that talking to dad instead of hitting hm was a betteer choice?'

I DO think that making your son CONTINUE to see his dad at his dads house is a good idea if you honestly believe his dad is a good influence and the relationship youhave with dad is a good one.  Be supportive of his anger, understanding of it, but tell him that his visits to his dad are part of HIS RELATIONSHIP with  his dad. and just like when you and dad divorced, THAT isnt changing just like now that dad has a GIRLFRIEND... his relationship with his dad IS NOT CHANGING and he shoudnt allow his anger make him stay away. and you need to make him go. just like he has to go to school even when he doesnt want to.

Kids ALWAYS try to control their surroundings when they are upset, because thats the only way they have to behave when they are upset. If you allow him to run away from the situation, hes not DEALING with it, and that may not be too healthy.  what happens if YOU move a serious man in or get married? then hes learned that he can just not live there when things change. what if he then decides hey im gona go live with DAD now that mom has a new husband/fiiance/live-in boyfriend?  dad and 'april' have  been together for a few years, so Im ok with her. nowww... see where Im going with this?

I really do hope Ive helped you some!!

What does your son's counselor suggest with respect to your son continuing to see his dad in his dad's home? He or she may have some excellent suggestions that will help smooth things along.

Do you have the power to decide unilaterally to limit your son's time with his father to whenever you think best, and wherever? That's a strange custody arrangement when dad has been as involved as your ex has been with your son.

I think exposing kids to boyfriends/girlfriends of their divorced parents cannot go too slow. Literally months should go by before exposing kids to the bf/gf.  No child needs to see their parents with revolving doors of men or women. The relationships should be long term and stable before kids are introduced. If you find out the relationship won't work for whatever reason, your children will not have had the chance to become attached to another adult that is in and out of their lives.

I think the counselor is the key. Go with their recommendation. Good luck with this. I don't think it bodes well for your son's relationship with his father. What a sad and confused little boy.

Cat 

Mom to 5: DS-16, DD-15, DD-10, DD-8, DS-6

  

I agree Cat.  It's always best to keep the counselor informed, and go with his/her advice.

Its never easy on a child when a new bf/gf enters the parents life.