Stepfamilies & Divorce

Ohhh wow, what a rotten way to 'meet' your sep son!!!

Your right.. he was VERY most likely (999.99%) 'influenced' by his adult care giveers ( mom, grandpa etc) in how he felt about the situation.

ANY kid will have some issues ab out a parent moving on, but to flip out like that, and ESP with grandpas behavior, UM YEAH.

I too dealt with similar behaviours when my dh and I began dating. His ex was prepared to LOATHE me, and also informed her kids that it was 'ok to mouth off to Beck because she was a b****. ( this was repeated to dh and I by his then 4 year old dd)

for a long time I kept my yap shut, and dh coddled his kids, and I quietly steamed. THAT DID NOT WORK VERY WELL!!!!

Looking back, here is my advice, an part of it comes from what actualy WORKED better later on for us.

Suggest to your fiance that youd very much like to start family counseling so you can start learning how to be a good step mom. He can chose the therapist or you can. whichever you feel will work better. hopefuly it will be covered by insurance or maybe a minister will help if you attend church.

Second YES YES YES get his son on YOUR/dads TURF!!!! not just FUN GROUNDS either!! MAYBE the first time you all meet, go someplace fun, but it would be good to just have  him with you and dad. It's OKAY that dad has a fiance. ITS NOT A BAD THING and its WRONG for his son to be made to feel that way and get in that groove. It IS OKAY for him to feel unsure and upset about it because its different yes, but not because mom and grandpa are pissed off about it.

If you phrase putting of the wedding until you are secure in your role as a step mom, then it wont seem so much as an ultimatum. but I do agree that you need to know exactly what your getting into and how the dynamics of your relatonship will work with your fiance, you and your soon to be step son BEFORE you take that big step.

once my step kids and their mom realized I WASNT GOING ANYWHERE, ( and it took me sitting down face to face with the kids, and getting toe to toe with his ex) and SAYING it very calmly.. " I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE.. I LOVE CHRIS, AND I LOVE PAMEA AND CHASE!" everyone seemed to setttle down a little bit.

It's hardest to find where you stand with your fiance tho.. your not YET the wife, and he IS the father... so you feel like you dont yet have a role, or a 'say' in the mattters. but I finaly realized that by the time I DID have a 'say' in the matter, it woud be too late to put my foot down and say HEY I DONT LIKE HOW THINGS ARE GOING HERE!!!... I needed to say 'look if THIS is how things are going to be forever, I cant be a part of this family either I will have more respect and my hubby will demand his ex and his kids respect me and my position of his new wife or I just wont BE his wife."

My hubby was VERY quick in putting me first, and his kids first when THEY needed to be. His ex ceased to be in charge MOST of the time... although that is one thing we always have to work on as she is a dominating type of woman, and had a lot of control over him for many years. Ill never regret speaking up, although I was TERRIFIED of opening my mouth at the time!

gl!!

I think most of your suggestions are utterly reasonable. The one I'd caution you on is that you and your fiance have absolutely zero control over his ex-FIL. Not a blessed thing you or the courts or God on high can do about this man being nasty to the guy I am sure he feels hurt his baby girl. He's being juvenile and rude but what are you going to do? Get a court order directing BM to control her father? :) FI probably CAN get a CO directing that visitation happen in neutral territory rather than at the home of people who hate him.

It is probably time for FI to get a specific visitation order addressing some of these issues if he hasn't already or if the current one doesn't work. The kid is going to have to meet you sometime, however hesitant he is. I do understand and agree with your reluctance to proceed into marriage until this gets resolved. Hang in there!

Thanks SoldierMom and Elsa for the input!  It really helps to "talk" with others who have been there.  Now I have another thought... If I do not go with my fiance on the next couple of trips to his son's home town, will that send another message - i.e. the bad behavior "worked" last time and now she's not here.  Will that encourage more of the same influencing of step son and others?   It was really tough weekend last weekend for me.  I felt so bad just being "left behind".  It feels like there is a huge piece of my fiance's life I cannot be a part of.  I hope it's temporary, but without actually knowing his son (I've never laid eyes on him) or his mother and living a 800 miles away, it's really hard to know what to expect and how to react to it all.  I know it may be another tough, disappointing trip if I go, but I may make matters worse in the long run if I don't go.

Thanks again!

Oh I say definatly GO!

You, the boy and the dad NEED to spend some time together. and the boys mom needs to see that 1) you are going to be there. and 2) your not scared.

your fiance also SHOULD try to have the boy visit him in HIS area if possible. but if thats not in the custody arrangement, then its not viable. If it IS, then he needs to start enforching it. period. Ask him about that. Kids mimic what the adult in their life says.  so if the mom is flpping out about it he will. but once he gets to dads, and he spends a few visits there hell be ok. it might not even take a couple visits. It depends on the kid.

I totaly understand you not wanting to be left out. I wouldnt want to be either.  I CHOOSE to be that way now, because in MY situation its become EASIER when dh goes on a 20 hour round trip drive to pick up his kids. they dont 'travel well'.  My kids are much better 'travelers' and dh always goes with me when we drive the 11 hour round trip to get them ( IF he can take leave) If he didnt want to I'd totaly be ok with that.

a relationship or marriage with step kids is a very back and forth, give and take, fly by the seat of your pants, learn as you go life. What works for me may not for you, and what works for me this year may not next year.

but you are SO RIGHT that it DOES HELP to talk to other people about it. just knowing your not alone helps, and getting soem insight helps and sometimes you get good advice too. and sometimes you just need to vent.

were always here ; )