I posted some of this on the stepmothers board, but I realized I also wanted a BM's perspective (I am both, but I don't think I think like most BMs...lol).
My dh and I have been married since August, and we are now expecting a honeymoon baby. He is the custodial parent as his wife left him with three preschoolers years ago (they are now in late elementary and middle school). I have two of my own kids (dds ages 11 and 6) so we have a pretty full household!
We hadn't met before but she has already had issues with me--like when I got her dd's nails done for our wedding and when I bought her some pads because she started spotting (mom wanted us to wait until the next day when she could drive into town and buy her some pads). I don't get how she thinks, and I don't think I ever will.
Today I went with dh to his son's soccer game. His ex was there with her husband (the man she left my dh and her kids for), the kids were sitting, and then my dh sat next to one of his kids. I sat next to him. Admittedly, my dh didn't introduce us, but it isn't like I didn't know who she was. It was awkward, but we really didn't talk. I spent most of the game trying to entertain my 6 year old.
Tonight she texted though--was upset he didn't introduce us--said I was being tacky by bragging about the new house--said she hopes he is happy with his new "status symbol", etc. etc. etc. Well, I didn't even remember talking about a new house until she explained the context to my dh. Apparently, when my dd had her happy meal toy out, dh was teasing her about it, and I told him that he was getting that for his bday because we would be so broke saving for the new house. I didn't realize that was bragging. Moreover, I wasn't even talking for her ears.
He agreed to introduce us properly next time...ugh. Now it will be even more awkward. Dh told me next time he will be rubbing my belly the whole time--LOL--she is upset we are pg, but I don't think we "bragged" about that during the game.
I hope the awkwardness dissipates--I am not threatened by her in the least, but obviously she is threatened by me. It isn't like I look like Christie Brinkley or something! Furthermore, her kids are usually on me like white on rice--during the game they completely ignored me. I think they feel the need to protect momma. It didn't really bother me this time, but it bothered my oldest dd.
When my ex had a gf, I made sure to tell my kids that I hoped that they liked her, and I didn't want them to feel guilty for thinking she was cool, and I did not want them to feel that they had to choose between me and her. I don't think this BM has given her kids the same permission because it is obvious they are torn.
I don't know if I should just wait for things to calm down or what (it is a new situation). I have had no direct communication with BM. She has wanted to communicate with me before to chew me out, but I refuse to get into a catfight with her (I would win, and the kids would lose). I have thought about writing her a letter, but I am worried that would make it worse, and my dh thinks it would just give her another avenue to be pushing herself into our family. Any ideas?
I don't think a letter is such a good idea. I'm a divorced Mom whose kids have a SM and I wouldn't take very kindly to receiving a letter from her telling me how to behave. But then I don't behave badly like that. I hope you can give her the benfit of the doubt; she's a Mom whose kids get to be looked after Daddy's new woman and she doesn't get to see her own kids very much anymore. (I know, I know, she's the one who left and all.) That must be a very bitter pill for her to swallow.
I do want to be the one to have all the "woman" discussions with my own kid, so SM doing it for me would not be nice. I can see her point in that.
And of course her children want to protect their momma's feelings, they should, they love her. When ya'll are all out together, you should expect them to ignore you. You're not their Mom and they hardly ever get to see her.
I think you should absolutely continue to ignore any attempts at direct communication between the two of you--direct any emails or phone messages to your husband for response. Polite chit-chat about inconsequential things at the next ballgame or recital is as far as I would go.
I frankly don't feel any responsibility on my part to encourage a relationship between my child and her father's wife, so you expecting your skids' Mom to do that is a bit unrealistic, imo. I think your skids' Mom is hoping for a SM who is more disengaged than you want to be. Disengaging might get you more peace.
So that's one Mom's perspective. Hope it doesn't go down the wrong way. Good luck.
Edited to add: I think it would be in very poor taste for your hubby to be rubbing your PG belly while he introduces you to his ex-wife...unless he wants to escalate the friction, that is.
"I do want to be the one to have all the "woman" discussions with my own kid, so SM doing it for me would not be nice. I can see her point in that."
As far as I know, she has already had the "woman" discussions with her dd. The only time they come up with me is when I have both her dd and mine--I can't really help that. I was just there to buy the pads!
"And of course her children want to protect their momma's feelings, they should, they love her. When ya'll are all out together, you should expect them to ignore you. You're not their Mom and they hardly ever get to see her."
" frankly don't feel any responsibility on my part to encourage a relationship between my child and her father's wife, so you expecting your skids' Mom to do that is a bit unrealistic, imo. I think your skids' Mom is hoping for a SM who is more disengaged than you want to be. Disengaging might get you more peace. "
Interesting perspective. I absolutely do not want my children to feel the need to protect my feelings--I want them to be children and let me take care of my own feelings. I don't want them to have to be the adult and filter what they say to me. I certainly don't expect my skids to hang out with me when their mom is there, though. Of course they need to spend time with her--I am fine with that motivation, just not the "protect momma" motivation.
If my ex remarries, I really hope that my kids feel free to tell me what they do with their new stepmother because I want to know about all of their life, not just what they do with me. It is not that I would feel the need to encourage a relationship--it is just that I would feel the need to make my children be comfortable with themselves that they had a relationship with their stepmom, and that is ok with me. I don't want them to feel badly or guilty for it. That is not fair to them, IMO, to make them feel torn like that, and it is unnecessary.
My friend IS a BM whose girls called her the other day to go on and on about their trip to the American Girl store with their stepmom--my friend was excited to hear about the trip, even though it was not with her but with their stepmom. Her son called his bio dad on the way home from a flyfishing trip with his stepdad to tell him about what he learned and the fish he caught. Those are the kinds of relationships I want with my kids.
Even if the kids were not products of divorce, they would be doing things without us there. I mean, when their BM was upset with me for taking her dd to get her nails done for our wedding, I realized that the FIRST time my dd got her nails done was with a friend of mine--not me. I did not get bent out of shape over that.
I wasn't planning on writing her to tell her how to behave, but rather to reassure her that I am not trying to take her place nor do I expect I ever will. I can't really disengage when I am with the kids most of the time, and she lives out of town, but I make sure that the level of involvement I have with her kids are driven by them, not by me or their mom.
"Edited to add: I think it would be in very poor taste for your hubby to be rubbing your PG belly while he introduces you to his ex-wife...unless he wants to escalate the friction, that is
That was said tongue-in-cheek. I think my dh's point was we ticked her off by not being obnoxious so we might as well be obnoxious because it doesn't really matter what we do. I kind of feel that way right now--it doesn't matter what I do, she will find something to complain about. I think that is sad for her kids who do not need to feel like they have to pick sides. I never say anything negative about her, but if she is saying negative things to them about me, she is doing some damage, and I hate seeing kids go through that kind of crap.
<< I don't think this BM has given her kids the same permission because it is obvious they are torn. >>
Hi. :) I'm a BM and SM too. Regarding this statement above, I don't think you can assume that the BM is doing something wrong (like not encouraging the kids to like you) just because the kids feel torn. First, I don't think it's the BM's job to encourage the kids to like you, she should just not encourage them to dislike you (I hope that makes sense). Second, it's a new situation and an adjustment for all, so the kids are likely still figuring out how they want to act around everyone involved. Third, the kids may feel how they feel simply because of who they are, not because of anything the BM is (or isn't) doing. For example, my DS is a very sensitive person and was always careful to protect my feelings when his SM and I were in the same space, even though I was completely fine with their relationship. That was just how he was (I say "was" because his BD has since passed away so DS and SM don't see each other very often anymore, but still occasionally).
Anyway, I just wanted to comment on that. As far as writing a letter is concerned, I would suggest that you not do that (it could really makes things worse). I think, yes, you should wait for things to calm down. Ignore the petty complaints and my guess is that things will calm down eventually.
