Relationships Damaged by Pornography

Hey! My heart goes out to you , I can definitely see the pain you're feeling . It's really crappy of him to keep on blaming you for all the problems. He knows deep down that he is wrong but is in denial about it. I have been in that situation myself; my DH however has finally in the past 6 months; realized that he is causing most of our problems and realized how devastating it was for me. He still won't stop though; he still does it and covers up.

For me this whole thing has played out over about 2 years; in my case I am not really able to leave at this point in time because I don't have the means to support myself & my baby. I will tell you straight off the bat EVEN with him accepting that he's wrong and not fighting about the porn anymore--I will NEVER be happy just accepting this. I will NEVER have a whole marriage if the porn is still there. Even if it was only once or twice a month...how do I know that??? constantly wondering about it.

However, you should realize; that he can't just stop. I think it is obvious that he IS an addict. Now all addictions generally are just symptoms of bigger problems; namely inability to manage emotions being the biggest problem. So basically even if he stops looking at porn at this point most likely he would move on and find something else to fill the void, maybe visiting singles chat rooms, maybe an affair, maybe fantasizing , voyeurism etc. BECAUSE the original problems that caused the porn viewing are still there.... so really for him to be free of his sexual addiction, he most likely will need some type of therapy since he does not have the tools to manage his emotions without his porn use.

Recoverynation.com is an absolutely wonderful website and I would mention it to him were I you; also if I were you I would go there myself & do the partners' workshop.

& answering your other q. The biggest thing DH could do in helping me recover & repair the relationship would be accepting that he's wrong; and making a sincere effort at fixing the problem. But, their role in our recovery should be a minor one generally since they don't understand jack about either their addiction or the effects it has on us, & don't know the first thing about moving on to health. again I recommend recoverynation.com for you.

Good Luck & I hope you are feeling OK :)

I have read your message and know totally how you are feeling.  Having just posted my experience, and still uncertain on what I am going to do, I do not have any advice to give you, but wanted you to know you are not alone.  Do not let him win.  Do not let him beat you down.  My DH told me when confronted that he is not lying, not cheating, it is my insecurity that I have to deal with and he will do whatever he wants and it is none of my business.  Then he pouts and blames me for not trusting him and accusing him of being unfaithful. 

I am just sick in my heart that the men we should depend on are the ones that cause us the most pain, and do it with no regard whatsoever for us.

May your faith give you strength.

This is such an emotionally charged hotbutton.  I think it is important not to get sucked into being the co dependent spouse to someone with an addictive process. This is very hard because I think we all take it more personally than if someone chose a booze bottle.

I am ok if my husband watches porn with me but I get really ticked if he then watches is on the side without me.  I mean, jeez, isn't it enough with me, you have to look at it even more? 

The other thing that really gets me going is the "sneaky, going behind my back" thing.  I told my husband, I would be more comfortable if he did it, if he would leave it on the computer history, rather than sneakily deleting the history.

But then I am a person who always would want the truth, rather than be deceived, not matter how bad the truth is. For me, it's better to know.