Relationships Damaged by Pornography

Hi you all A G A I N!!! it SUCKS that i have to be on here again; after things were going so well lately. AAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!

I am so angry right now. This has just gone way to far now...here's the story. For those of you who don't know/remember (probably no one lol). I knew DH watched porn before we moved in together; basically I didn't tell him I wanted him to stop because I was pretty much trying my hardest to accept it & I was pretty much denying my feelings about it. So come to around June 2008 I actually completely started questioning myself & all the suppressed emotions came crashing down @ that point...& I asked him to stop; I was 7 months preggo right then.

And then yadda yadda I'm sure most of you know how it goes from there, a whole friggin year or so of going back & forth; first arguing about it for months; then finally saying he would stop, sneaking around, covering tracks; me installing keyloggers & crap & on & on & on. & I even once found him chatting up other chicks in chat rooms asking for photos & saying he was single.

Since November I have made several attempts to get him to go do the workshop at recoverynation.com to no avail

I myself am still working through the partners' workshop (since November!!) & have only been able to do 6 friggin lessons it's so painful for me but I'm working on it...

So. It seems so simple when you think about it; that if you are being hurt repeatedly you just leave cause it's not gonna change. But I dunno it's so hard to actually do it, for me. (a big factor being that I don't have money to go off by myself w/ the baby.) I keep setting myself up.

So the latest stupid thing I did was , I just put a friggin keylogger on the computer for good. Let him know that it was there. And then a couple weeks after I put on a different keylogger which he did not know about; and I left the other one in the visible mode so he would be able to open it & stop the monitoring& do what he pleased....with everything being recorded by my other secret keylogger. Duh he did exactly that & went to watch porn as soon as I went to work.

I don't really remember everything was a blur after that but somehow in the next week we made up & everything was going great because I kept leaving the logger open while the hidden one was running & didn't find a single trace of porn over the next couple weeks.

However JUST NOW about 15 minutes ago I checked my email

Lo and behold there is this email from REDBOX which by some miracle!! arrived , because I've never entered my email @ a redbox & if it was him who entered it yesterday then it must've been a moment of extreme stupidity I don't know. But , this email saying that I had returned my movie at 8:40 something today! guess which one it was CASINO JOB.

I looked it up and sure enough the first thing I see on the page I went to is tons of reviews saying it is basically a frikin soft porn movie...crap. So weird that this just turns up in my inbox. I actually had suspicions about that but was like nah. he wouldn't go to all that bother... lol what a joke this whole thing is.

But enough about HIM,

I've been having some problems of my own and LOVELY it's all stemming from this PORN problem of his. I just feel so numb lately with him. It has been just killing me. It's odd because lately like in the past 3 weeks he's been extremely romantic & attentive which, I have not seen that side of him since like 2 years ago. Yet, I just have been feeling totally turned off to him despite all of this. And I think it's cause of all this stupid sh** that he's put me through now my subconscious just won't let me feel anything for him so as not to be let down again.

So (this makes me feel so ashamed & embarrassed to admit it) I actually started um...really being attracted to one of my coworkers and flirting with him...and I even told DH that I was off work 2 hours later than I really was one night just so we could hang out...I started texting him too which I NEVER text other guys & I know it's a big no-no to DH. I started even fantasizing about this guy. And I actually started considering cheating.

I feel like such a DIRTBAG for all this!!! I mean yeah he looks @ naked women behind my back & I know it's a TOTAL FORM OF CHEATING!!! but it's still not the same as actually having contact w/ someone else...& here I am thinking about it? & beating myself up for having those thoughts.

& then I saw that stupid email.

I feel like I'm just giving him sooooo many chances...I feel that he feels soo terrible when I'm hurt and he basically understands everything now but he's just completely stuck!! in the addiction! I am S O Close! the final step is just for him to realize that he needs help.

But I know enough now to realize that the realization has to come to him, he has to want to get help...not just cause I want him to.. and i feel so helpless. There's nothing I can do to push him to that realization.

The reason I have such a problem with staying, and staying, and staying...is that I feel he is sincerely sorry for everything and 'gets' it and really wants to stop-- he just needs that final piece of the puzzle, the motivation to change, the realization that he's got to get help!

Wish I could just take off and live somewhere else for a few days just to show him how serious it is but I don't have anywhere to stay. Besides with family and I do not want any friggin drama if you know what I mean.

Idk what I'm gonna do now.

I don't think you should be so hard on yourself.  For a very long time now your husband has essentially been throwing it in your face that he can't stop looking at other naked women, and WORST of all, he actually chatted with some.  I would have gone BALLISTIC over that one.  These are my thoughts...

First, why would you leave the house?  NO.  Throw his stuff on the front porch and tell him to find another place if he can't give up whores.  Tell him to go get warm with one of his on line whores.  He really doesn't believe there will be any painful consequences for what he does so he continues...

Second, it is not illegal to put a keylogger on your own computer. Just on someone else's computer. Lots of companies have spy ware on their computers.  Mine at work does.  DON"T ever spill the beans that you have a second keylogger...

Perhaps you should pull some reverse psychology on him.  When he does this, say, well, I guess this gives me a few "get out of jail free cards"  too, huh?  I think maybe I'll text some guys who think I'm sexy too and chat them up.  Like them apples buddy?   Just some thoughts.  

omg...thanks 4 being so supportive...I swear I put off even looking at your reply for so long because I was afraid I was going to get attacked.

xvza, fyi it's not illegal like she said; because it's on MY computer.

I am glad I was able to give you some support in a bleak time.  Check out Marriage Builders.com.  I just found the site and there are some things I really liked. One was the one on husbands and porn, and basically if they are continually looking at porn and it upsets their wives, they are "putting their own pleasure above feelings of the wife and the relationship."  He also has an interesting section on "radical honesty" in marriage.  Anyway, check it out and see if it helps.

Don't let him "gas light" you.  Someone on another site told me that, and it is so enlightening.  Google that, and you will see what I mean.  Good luck.