Relationships Damaged by Pornography

Hi everyone. I'm new here. I'd like to share my story and get some feedback and/or advice please. I've read many of your posts, and I feel like my story is strangely similar to some of yours.

A little over a week ago, my husband of 7 years told me that he's addicted to internet p and mb. Since then I feel like my whole world has been crashing down. I am seriously considering leaving him. At the advice of our marriage counselor, we are currently having an in-house separation for 30 days before any big decisions are made.

I have seen a million red flags in this marriage, and I realize now that I chose to ignore them. I wanted so badly to make the marriage work. My H comes from a very messed up, dysfunctional home. Everyone in his life has screwed him over at some point - except me. I wanted to be the one person he could rely on and trust. I might as well just admit it - I wanted to save him. He has some wonderful qualities: he's charming and intelligent, he works very hard, and we share the same beliefs about religion, politics, etc. That's what I fell in love with.

But even when our relationship first started, he had very little desire for sex. I've been around long enough to know that when a relationship starts, people usually can't keep their hands off each other. That was definitely not the case with him. As the months and years progressed, things got worse. I begged and pleaded with him on hundreds of occasions to tell me what was wrong. He made up any number of excuses, including excuses that indicated I was the reason for his lack of interest. I demanded we go to counseling. We've been in counseling for almost our entire marriage. We're on our third counselor now.

I thought that the "truth" would eventually come out in counseling. I thought maybe he had a secret to hide: sexual abuse, that he was really gay...something that he just couldn't face that was beyond his control. I knew he looked at "soft p" once in a while (like Maxim magazine), and that he mb'ed. But I just thought "boys will be boys" - I didn't realize that the behavior was waaaay more extensive than that, and that it was the cause of his lack of interest in me.

Turns out that he's been looking at very hard-core online p videos for a very, very long time....long before he met me. He not only lied to me about this, but he's lied to the marriage counselors. He also admitted to me that he often (read: usually) can't get an erection for me (on the rare occasions we do have sex) without thinking about p. That was hard to hear. Talk about a blow to your self-esteem. My own husband can't get aroused by me.

He claims the p does not involve anything sexually "deviant," but who knows..and I have no way of checking. He is a computer guru, so he'd find any tracking/recovery software I installed.

In any case, he lied to me about it for SEVEN years. He claims to have never actually interacted with a "real" person online (no chat rooms, emails, etc), but how and why should I believe him??? He has lied to me about other things - usually lies of omission (In his words: "I didn't lie. I just didn't tell you."), so my trust was already eroded. The past several days, now that I'm really facing this reality, I realize that I have come to accept that I can't ever really depend on a truthful answer from him on anything. How exactly did I get to this place? How did I allow myself to be treated like this?

I have cried and gone crazy, doubted my sanity, listened to excuses and lies, tried to be understanding and patient for seven years. I begged, sobbing, to know the truth more times than I can count. He knew all along what the problem was, and he just let me suffer. I'm starting to wonder if this man is not just a p addict, but if he's extraordinarily cruel, too. How could he do this to someone he supposedly loves? Someone who he claimed was his best friend in the world? Was it all just a scam? Do I even know him at all?

I'm terrified to move on. I'm 36 years old. We don't have children. We do have pets though, and the thought of trying to figure out who gets which pet just kills me. And the thought of trying to sell our home, finding a new place to live...it's just overwhelming. And then what? I'm an only child, and my parents are elderly. The fact that I might wind up completely alone someday is not far-fetched. My H has started going to SAA meetings once a week, but to be honest, I'm not sure I really care anymore. No matter what, I'll always wonder if what he says is truth or lies. He's lied about too much for too long.

Thanks for reading this. I'm glad I found this board. It helps me feel a little less alone.

Oh boy; are you ever not alone! I think that is an issue that haunts most women here. They feel isolated with their feelings but trust me you’re not alone.

I wanted to share some thing I’ve learnt over the past year in dealing with something similar with my fiancé. That his porn addiction and his inability to get aroused by you has absolutely NOTHING to do with how you look, feel or anything. It has nothing to do with you. Since he has done it for so long, he has sort of programmed himself to only be aroused by what he watches…..its kind of like people who like certain fetishes only get aroused by that (I mean comparing to yourself to feet is ridiculous, and wouldn’t cause you to have any self esteem blows) it kind of works the same way. I mean clearly he has been doing this since before you met, so it was a problem THEN when you weren’t even around, it has nothing to do with you!!!!!!!!!

I am at the end of my rope as well. I have caught my fiancé once again (it feels like for the 100th time) lying to me about his porn use. I’ve become so de-sensitized to it that I just don’t care anymore and lord knows I don’t believe a single word coming out of his mouth. I’m not sure what to do either, I’m at a sort of cross roads myself.

All I can say is that I think you need to do what is right for YOU. If leaving him feels like the right decision then DO IT. For your sanity. I’m not sure if you wanted to have children with this man, but I can honestly say if you ever wanted to I would put that on hold. Kids would make life and this issue much more difficult to deal with.

I feel Suzie is right on.  This really is NOT about you, it is how he has chosen to go into an "escape" to deal with anxiety, stress, or whatever.  This is a deeply ingrained brain pattern now established long before you were in the picture.

You are caught in the role of the codependent, probably from something about your growing up years.  I fought w/my husband over porn too, and went into therapy to work through some of these issues, and my past failed marriage.

This is what I have learned so far.  It would be very helpful for you to read some books on co dependency to see how you keep the circle going.  Second, we really, truly cannot "make" another person who is an adult "do" or "not do" anything.  Repeat...repeat.  This is what you will read about in co dependency.  For example, it is fruitless for the wife of an alchoholic to pour out booze she finds stashed in secret places.

I don't like to use the addiction excuse for many reasons, because it seems to give the person an excuse, but I do think your SO is addicted.  His porn usage is destroying his real life relationship.  You need to just set firm boundaries, tell him calmly how you feel, and go on  at the business of "taking care of YOU".  We co dependents use taking care of others as our excuse for not taking care of ourselves.  Go out with girlfriends, take up dance lessions, further your education, start exercising, just examples of how you need to give him the message YOU are moving on to take care of yourself, and if he chooses to stay locked up in a dark room pathetically whacking off to pictures,  then he will be left in the dust....and ALONE